CPAC Crowd pretends Sarah Palin isn't a huge embarrassment

Sarah Palin was one of the stars of this year's CPAC, the only place in the world where she is considered relevant and Chris Christie is not. I don't know what the bulk of her speech was about, I'm going to go out on a limb and guess it was about the Real America? But I did see this clip, in which she acts like a snotty 12-year-old boy to wild applause from the troglodytes.


First she does what any 12-year-old whose dad lets him have a gun would do, makes sure everyone knows she has it. "Hey, did I ever mention that me and Tahd have guns, 'cuz we totally do. I totally bought him a gun for Christmas. He totally bought me a gun rack for all the guns I have, you guys. I'm kind of a gun expert!"

Then she makes a juvenile dick and boob joke "he has the 'gun', you guys! Get it? 'gun?' But I have the 'rack!' Ha ha, you get it? 'rack?' Hmm? You know, 'rack?' like boobs?" Ugh! painful.

Then she acts like she's some kind of defiant rebel by sipping from a Big Gulp. In Washington, DC. Where there are ZERO restrictions on sizes of soda, so wow! You're really flaunting your bad-girl street cred, there. For the record, I agree that mayor Bloomberg's soda rule is a stupid rule. And it has already been tossed out by the courts. But you're not in New York. You're not exactly stickin' it to the man, there. It would be like me flying to Las Vegas and playing a slot machine and bragging about how I'm a total bad-ass because gambling is illegal in Georgia. Then I fly back to Atlanta and brag to everyone about how I broke the law and totally got away with it because I'm a rebel and I'll never be any good. I'm a rebel and I never ever do what I should!

But of course the mouth breathers in the CPAC audience erupt into wild ovations like she was Spartacus, brazenly defying the Imperial might of Caesar! Oh, my God, what a hero!



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Picking up chicks at CPAC

One would think the mouth-breathers at CPAC would be busy discussing the super-important issues of these times like how to get the Marxist/Fascist/Islamist out of the White House, and whether to invade Iran or simply nuke them, but they were able to take a little time out of their super-important day to discuss another important topic.

Getting laid.

TPM2012

CPAC Wants To Help You Get A Hot Conservative Date

“‘I was thinking about how sexy it would be to kiss you,’” world renowned pickup artist Wayne Elise told a group of young Rick Santorum fans. “You can say that [to a girl], it’s cool.”

And totally not creepy or overly forward!

 

One tip, he noted, was to introduce sensuality into early conversations with girls — like the above quote — to keep from falling into the platonic zone with your target. 

 

Hmm, now that I know that he'd like to bang me, I'm moving him into the "maybe" zone!

“Most guys fall into the category of not being sexual enough, so that girls will easily see them as friend material and the guys have a hard time getting out of that,” he said. “I think one of my ideas that connects to conservatives is that it’s OK to wait but you definitely want to show the person you’re sexual and sensual.”

  

Be sure to tell 'em you've got genitalia! 

 

It's okay to wait? You mean like wait until your wife is bedridden

before you start poking around?

The breakout session, sponsored by TeaParty.net, was billed as an opportunity to “learn everything from how to avoid scaring away your own personal Dagny Taggart in the first five minutes of the conversation. . .

Because you'd hate to scare away one of the most unpleasant, whiny, nasty characters in all of American fiction. 

On dates, “try to outlaw questions,” Elise said, prompting some quizzical looks from participants. “Say ‘I’m not going to do any questions, I’m going to make statements.’ Why? Because statements say something about you.”

  

I love a man who expresses absolutely no interest in knowing anything about me!

Here’s a tip: “When you walk up and you’re talking to the cute girl in a group don’t just talk to the girl. Bring other people in.” In a related tactic, should you see a hot girl in a bar do not approach — instead befriend a less attractive group and then recruit them to help you seduce her. 

Excuse me, none of you are attractive enough for a hot stud like me, but I might be able to make use of you in seducing that attractive woman over there! Because family values!

Other hot pickup lines for young conservatives:

You're so hot, I'd like to knock you up and then deny you any choice in whether to have my baby!

"Hi, would you like to implement a little "trickle-down?"

You could be a great job-creator! Blow-job creator, that is!

Damn, I'd like to reform your tax code!

Let's sleep together. Fair warning, though, I don't believe in equality of outcome!

Just for tonight, let's be libertarians.

Do you believe in the right to bear arms? Because I'd like to bare your arms! (I mean boobs)

I'd like to get the government off your back, and get you on it. (on your back, I mean. I'd like to get you on your back. You know, for sex.)