Wednesday, October 10, 2012

The problem is, We Just Aren't Killing Enough Children These Days

You know, sometimes, no matter how hard  you beat a child, that child just never learns to respect his beater. And when that happens, that child is a lost cause. The only thing left to do is kill him in as gruesome a way as possible, to serve as an example to the others.


Hi, I'm Republican legislative candidate Charlie Fuqua, and I'd like to speak to you parents about why it is that none of you seem to be stoning your kids to death.

As I've said in my book Kill 'Em All, Let God Sort 'Em Out, or whatever it's called,

The maintenance of civil order in society rests on the foundation of family discipline. Therefore, a child who disrespects his parents must be permanently removed from society in a way that gives an example to all other children of the importance of respect for parents. The death penalty for rebellioius children is not something to be taken lightly. The guidelines for administering the death penalty to rebellious children are given in Deut 21:18-21

Now for those not familiar with the Good Book, by which I mean the Bible, not my book, although mine's pretty good too! LOL! The passage reads as follows:

18 If a man have a stubborn and rebellious son, which will not obey the voice of his father, or the voice of his mother, and that, when they have chastened him, will not hearken unto them:

19 Then shall his father and his mother lay hold on him, and bring him out unto the elders of his city, and unto the gate of his place;

20 And they shall say unto the elders of his city, This our son is stubborn and rebellious, he will not obey our voice; he is a glutton, and a drunkard.

21 And all the men of his city shall stone him with stones, that he die: so shalt thou put evil away from among you; and all Israel shall hear, and fear.

Now, I know that some of you LIB'RULS out there might say that this is a pretty good example of why we shouldn't base our laws on the Old Testament, but I say fuck you, I want to kill some kids! I mean, that's what God commands.

This passage does not give parents blanket authority to kill their children. They must follow the proper procedure in order to have the death penalty executed against their children.
Am I not merciful?

 the Scripture provides a safe guard to protect children from parents who would wrongly exercise the death penalty against them. Parents are required to bring their children to the gate of the city. The gate of the city was the place where the elders of the city met and made judicial pronouncements. In other words, the parents were required to take their children to a court of law and lay out their case before the proper judicial authority, and let the judicial authority determine if the child should be put to death. 

Because you want to be sure that all of society shares in the responsibility for stoning a child to death. You can't just go around hucking rocks willy-nilly at every kid who looks at you sideways. It's not the wild west! Proper channels, people!

 Even though this procedure would rarely be used, if it were the law of land, it would give parents authority. Children would know that their parents had authority and it would be a tremendous incentive for children to give proper respect to their parents.

Because who is more respected than someone who threatens to kill a child with rocks?

Now, you may think that I'm some lone voice calling in the wilderness, that no one else is going to have the balls to stand up for the execution of sassy children, but you'd be surprised. My campaign has received financial support from  from the Arkansas Republican Party and U.S. Reps. Tim Griffin and Steve Womack, And, according to the Arkansas Times blog:

To date, Congressman Griffin and Republican Party Chair Doyle Webb have criticized some of the things Fuqua has said. Womack has said nothing. But no party official has demanded money back or urged Fuqua to withdraw from the race.

Hell, it's Arkansas! Down here, I'm considered a reasonable centrist. You should see the things that Loy Mauch  writes on a regular basis.  Heck, Jon Hubbard makes a habit of extolling the virtues of slavery, and no one says boo to him either! Welcome to Arkansas, mother fucker! Yee Haw!

I'm Charlie Fuqua and I approve this message.
Now go throw a rock at a child.