Friday, January 22, 2010

What the Hell is a "Snooki"?

As of today, January 22, 2010, I have officially given up all hope for our Nation's future.

And not just because gloating over the demise of healthcare is apparently a tenable political position.

And not just because the Supreme Court has apparently decided "democracy, schmocracy, let government go to the highest bidder."

No, it's mainly because of this:

Lehigh Valley’s Star Pre-Owned will host Reality TV star, Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi at their Easton, PA store on Saturday, January 23rd to raise funds for Haitian earthquake relief.

‘Snooki’ will be signing autographs
and taking pictures with fans during this time in an attempt to help the dealership raise funds for Haitian relief efforts.

Yes, allegedly, people in Pennsylvania will be lining up for the autograph of something called "Snooki."

Apparently, this so-called "Snooki" is one of the "stars" of some wretched MTV show called "Jersey Shore" (because "Animal Planet" was already taken) which features a group of drunken spray-tanned meatheads making asses of themselves in various ways.

And people want the autograph of one of these nitwits?

Jersey Shore Cast. by turizzz.

I swear, you could stop the next person you see on the street and ask for her autograph because I guarantee she'll have a more impressive list of accomplishments than "Snooki."
Honestly, if your resume' contains anything more impressive than "portray buffoonish vulgarian on third-rate basic cable show," you've got her beat.

I once pulled down 10 rebounds in a junior-varsity basketball game. Compared to Snooki, I'm a candidate for "Who's Who."

And the worst thing is, these fake celebrities aren't even the least bit interesting. When Paris Hilton became famous for being famous, the process itself was kind of fascinating. But now it's just been done to death. And it's become just sad and formulaic.

Step one: Have wealthy, over-indulgent, overly-permissive parents.

Two: have a drinking problem, but in the early stages where it still makes you seem "fun."!

Never tire of displaying your probably-fake-but-if-not-admittedly-impressive bosoms? and Check!

"Accidentally" "forget" that you're not wearing undies?


Portray self as an unfettered libertine?!

And by the way, Snooki, if that is your real name, two girls kissing might have seemed shocking or provocative a few years ago, before they started running "Girls Gone Wild" ads during "The Daily Show," but now it's just a cliche. It's just what you expect drunk, trashy girls to do when there's a camera around. No one's impressed.

So the next few steps are fairly predictable. First, the inevitable sex tape. (And you know there is one. There's no way these self-impressed, self-absorbed, self-indulgent oafs are not taping themselves doing it.) Then being stunt-cast in some straight-to-video schlock, then Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew! Then, I'm going to say Playboy? Maybe Penthouse, I don't know, I'm not psychic. Then redemption on the cover of People Magazine, maybe finding religion, a pathetic stab at a singing career in there somewhere, and a little jail time.

The point is, if we truly are a society where people like this are admired, where people will actually seek them out and ask for autographs, then our society is doomed. There's no coming back from this.


jadedj said...

We are.
No, they are.
I am excluding you and me.

Kvatch said...

Then redemption on the cover of People Magazine, maybe finding religion, a pathetic stab at a singing career in there somewhere, and a little jail time.

...followed by a stint on 'Dancing With Stars'.

Professor Chaos said...

Dancing with the stars! How did I forget that one?

Also, probably some sort of "Shot of Love" / "Rock of Love" type creepy std-fest.

The Fifth Column said...

I've been saying this for a long time as well but not about Snooki (I just typed in on Google what that hell is a snooki?) It's about most if not all Celebrities especially one who have done nothing to deserve a Celebrity Status.

I mean if our nations (The General western/white nations)put hours and hours of our time on singers and whores who only really have the talent and skill of lots of other people but are slightly hotter then I just weep for humanity.

Anonymous said...

Thank you so much for your comments...It is a breath of fresh air. I was really beginning to think that common sense and intelligence were extinct qualities. Many may not think so but if things keep going this way we are truly doomed. All of these so call "celebrities" are nothing but trash the only thing keeping them from the gutter is money. It's totally disgusting.

Anonymous said...

She looks like a plain jane bimbo to me. Hey cheek bones are wierd and you can tell that she looks nasty under all of that make-up.She is much like paris hilton in that nobody knows what she does.

Anonymous said...

My sentiments exactly! HALLELU JA! Was Paris Hilton really the beginning of society's decline? If this is what we prefer, do we deserve to continue as a first-world nation?

SpatulasKill said...

Well said! A prost to you for being one of the rare intelligent people left in this world!

Someone came into the store I work at and asked for sunglasses in the style that "Snooki" wears. I was like, "Who the hell is that?", and she looked at me with shock and said "Snooki! You know, from Jersey Shore?".
I replied, "No...I actually don't. Is that a movie?"
She says, "No, it's a reality TV show."
"Oh, then it makes sense that I wouldn't know," I said, "I can't stand reality shows."
"Oh, I know," she says, "but, you know how it is."

...No, I don't. I see local degenerate trash making asses out of themselves everyday on the streets of my city. I do my best to tune them out with earphones, and wonder when natural selection will work its magic and put these worthless social parasites out of their misery. They have nothing interesting to say or contribute, they give me a headache, they aren't witty or remotely literate. Why the hell would I subject myself to watching them for the duration of a TV episode?! The people who watch these shows are just as bad for encouraging such a waste of film.

Anonymous said...

Honestly, I'm rather depressed that we're elevating people that want to be attention whores in every aspect of their lives to be in the public spotlight. No one knew these people even existed, I doubt any of them even spent a day in a college class and surely none of them actually have functional useful talents for our society.

Hey, that sounds perfect. Like Barbie, except less successful, less attractive, less well known, and with more STD's and a much bigger mouth. Now lets put it on TV and call it a hit show! Now we're thinking like television executives.

I am a grown man and sometimes I weep for what we have become. If this is what entertainment is now, then we'd better be prepared for what will come in ten years time.

Anonymous said...

Thank you! I'm not alone in my sanity and sense of reason. I have a more dire prediction than you, however, for the fate of our nation. We are continuing to dole out the greatest financial and psychological rewards for such drivel as the "snookies" of this country. Soon, there will be no incentive for students to labor to understand medicine, the English language, etc., because the greatest rewards are reserved for mindless drivel.

Anonymous said...

I completely agree with everything here, i am not an American but now here in UK we have become far to obsessed with people with no talent. Yet are willing to debase themselves weekly in front of a sadly willing audience.

People get stupid when they talk about these reality tv stars like they are saints, no wonder so many people think if there female they have to be a size 0 with huge fake tits orange skin and no talent and sleep with everything that moves. and if your a guy you have to be a douche have a six pack and give yourself a regarded nickname, what kind of douche calls himself the situation.(possibly open a failed gym or mma school)