Thursday, April 21, 2016

Alabama Rep Proposes a Thing

So apparently, there is a thing called the "National Day of Prayer" here in the good ol' US of A. And apparently, every president since Truman has had to sign on to this observance every year while pretending that the separation of church and state is suspended one day a year.

This year, and maybe this is normal, I don't know, but this year the Alabama House of Representatives is issuing, or at least considering issuing a proclamation regarding the day of prayer. Written by Rep. Mack Butler (R-You Kidding Me), the text reads as follows:

WHEREAS, God has blessed America, where freedom exists for all, regardless of belief or creed; and

And also, no mosques!

WHEREAS, America’s heritage is a beacon to the world, a shining city on a hill; and

Wait, you can't just say that like it's a statement of fact. That's like saying "Whereas, the San Francisco Giants are the greatest baseball team known to mankind. . ." Well, bad example, that actually is true, but you get what I'm saying, right?

WHEREAS, America’s exceptionalism was not only on a thoroughfare for freedom beat, but a leader and protector of values and safety around the world; and

What? Did any of that make sense to anyone?
I think he's saying that America (by which he presumably means the United States of, not the two continents in the Western Hemisphere, but it's only an official government proclamation, so precise language isn't really that important)
Any way, I think he's saying that America somehow protects the nebulous concept of "values" and also makes the rest of the world safe? You know, like how the people of Chile felt so much safer after we installed Pinochet? Or how "shock and awe" made the people of Iraq feel all protected and secure?

WHEREAS, though American’s sovereignty did not and would not rule the world, rather than a colonial power, she shared her bounty; and

Oh my God, take a freshman composition class, please.

WHEREAS, America has turned from her values, she is engaged in practices antithetical to her heritage by not protecting the poor, defenseless, and unborn, and has permitted the law to discriminate pitting one’s rights against the rights of others; and

When did we ever protect the poor? I mean, FDR did and LBJ, but you guys all called that Communism and said it was bad and would destroy America.
Also, one person's rights are always pitted against the rights of others. For instance, my right to do what I want with my property is pitted against my neighbors' right to not have an In 'n' Out Burger on the front lawn next door to them. It's always about finding a balance. That doesn't mean that America "has allowed the law to discriminate."

I don't know for sure, but I assume you're referring to dickhead bakers having to bake wedding cakes with 2 brides or 2 grooms on top? Their rights to run their business as they see fit is pitted against the gay couples' right to not have service refused in a place of public accommodation. If the courts have ruled against the business owner's "right" to discriminate, that's not the same thing as the law discriminating.

WHEREAS, America now sits in her sanctuary while the rest of the world is falling into turmoil with genocide against Christians and radical Islamic terrorists wreaking havoc; and

Oh, thank God no radical Islamic terrorists have ever wreaked any of their patented havoc here in America! 

Well, most of us won't. 

WHEREAS, America’s Judeo-Christian tradition recognized a freedom of religion, the first freedom, that let all religions coexist; and 

 And just to reiterate: NO MOSQUES!

WHEREAS, traditional values have been removed from the public square where all values were once spoken; and  

Yes, remember those halcyon days when the public square was full of atheists, communists, free-thinkers and anarchists freely speaking about their values. Oh, those were wonderful times!

 WHEREAS, religious freedom is threatened and God is mocked; and

Um, pretty sure part of religious freedom would be the freedom to mock God if one so chooses.
Also, nobody is threatening the religious freedom of anybody in America! (Except Muslims)

WHEREAS, just as Jesus observed when he drew close to Jerusalem before His crucifixion and wept over the city that thought it knew of the things made for peace, it was now hidden from their eyes and just as high government officials often invoke the name of God, yet they tempt God by abandoning His truths; and


 WHEREAS, America must reaffirm her freedom and her faith; and 

Can't really do both. Can't reaffirm our commitment to freedom and also say we're endorsing a religion.

 Also, this is your last "Whereas." Don't put an "and" at the end. This is how it reads:

WHEREAS, America must reaffirm her freedom and her faith; and

Did you not take English classes in high school? (sorry, high school is a type of school that most states have kids attend after elementary and middle school. ZING!)
You should say ". . . her freedom and her faith. THEREFORE, be it resolved. . ." Saying "whereas. . .and be it resolved" is just,um, not good writing?

Okay, but anyway, we've gotten through all the "Whereases" and we finally get to the resolution. Ready?

BE IT RESOLVED BY THE LEGISLATURE OF ALABAMA, BOTH HOUSES THEREOF CONCURRING, That we urge America to reaffirm and protect its freedoms.

 That's it? That was a hell of a long way to go for that. You're in favor of freedom? Wow! Really going out on a limb, there!

 More? Okay, Popeil, hit me with it!

BE IT FURTHER RESOLVED, That the fifth day of May 24 2016 be set aside as a day of reflection by the citizens of the State of Alabama who will humble themselves and pray and seek God’s face and turn from their wicked ways so that God will hear from Heaven and will forgive their sins and heal their land.

 Heal the. . . ? Dude, it's Alabama! There's only so much I can do!

P.S. I apologize to the good people of Alabama. I've been living in Georgia for a while now, and I'm trying to fit in. I'm pretty sure I'm supposed to disparage neighboring states. Go Dawgs!

P. P.S. when searching for "drumroll, please" I stumbled onto this gif. Enjoy the awesomeness!