People Who Will Never be President, chapter 2

Chapter 2: Ted Cruz.

First of all, the guy's fucking nuts.
Secondly, he's such a huuuuuge asshole that even his Republican colleagues despise him.
Third, he's creepy as Hell.

Ughhh. . . this is the face of a guy who's used to hearing "no, it's fine, I'll catch the next one!"

 




This video sums it all up pretty well:


First of all, there are what, maybe a dozen people there to listen to his ravings? And I'm assuming that all the folks standing along the wall are getting paid to be there. And most of the audience seems to be nodding off except the senile crackpot in the leprechaun hat.

Second, everything he says is just such obvious bullshit. "Oh, if we continue along this undefined path we're going to somehow lose this country in some non-specific way."
"Oh, the Obama economy is a disaster. I don't have any numbers to quote you to back that up, but trust me, even though it seems to be a big improvement over the flaming freefall he inherited, it's actually a disaster. You could look it up!  But don't! Because the reality might contradict my narrative."
"Oh, Obamacare is a trainwreck in some way that I'm not going to bother to articulate or back up in any way. And, sure it seems to be working as designed, getting millions of people covered and what-not, but in some undefinable way, it's a trainwreck."

Third, if you're going to preach doom and gloom, you might want to not sound quite so gleeful about it. When he shouts "Yes, your world is on fire," he displays an enthusiasm not heard since Russ Hodges in 1951.

And how, once you've told a little girl that her entire world is on fire (which is more obvious bullshit) do you come back with a promise to make it EVEN BETTER?

So, you're saying it could even get better than this?

Also, the guy is most famous for taking to the Senate floor to read a children's book and fundamentally misunderstanding the point of it.

 

Not actually that difficult, Harvard!

Also, his batshit religious fanatic father raised him with a Messiah complex and delusions of grandeur that would make a cartoon supervillain blush.

Also,  did I mention that everybody hates him?
Seriously, do a quick Google search for "people who hate Ted Cruz" You'll see lots of headlines like these:

Why Senate Republicans Hate Ted Cruz

There’s more than one reason they despise the junior senator from Texas.

Everybody hates Ted Cruz: The most unpopular man in Congress!

Everybody Hates Ted: The Republican Party Has Turned on Cruz

Ted Cruz So ‘Hated’ by Republicans That He’ll ‘Need a Food Taster’ at Senate Lunches

So, is Ted Cruz going to run? He hasn't announced anything, but yes.
Of course he will.
Because he believes that God has chosen him to be president or king of the world or whatever.
But don't worry, Ted Cruz will NEVER be President.

I haven't kept up with the news lately. . .

. . . has Barack Obama resigned yet?

I mean, I'm sure that by now there must be at least 10 or 20 million patriots swarming the Mall in DC demanding his ouster, and. . .

 

Oh. 

Oh, I see.

But surely there must be a bunch more in other parts of. . .

Oh.

So, which million of you guys are going to be the ones to stay for the long haul?

And the best part is, those people who did show up? They're surprised by the "dismal turnout!"

Jackie Milton, 61, who came all the way from Texas for the protest said he was disappointed with the numbers. “It’s a very dismal turnout,” Milton told The Washington Post. “It ain’t no million. And it ain’t looking like there’s going to be millions,” he said. 

So how does this happen? How do people really get their hopes up that millions and millions of people are really going to show up to demand the resignation of most pf the government? Granted, these are the same people who were completely stunned when Mitt Romney lost the election to Barack Obama even though ALL the polls predicted exactly that. But how does that happen?

I suppose  that's what happens when you live in the FOX News /AM talk radio bubble. Because in the bubble, everyone, absolutely everyone just hates hates HATES Barack Obama. And absolutely everyone knows that he is just constantly violating the Constitution on myriad uncountable and unexplainable ways. Everyone in the bubble knows that the future of the Republic is in danger if these darn liberals like Barack Obama and Mitch McConell aren't immediately removed from office. 

And if 100% of the folks in the bubble think this way, it's only reasonable to assume that something close to 100% of ALL people must think that way, it's just simple statistical analysis. So, let's say maybe 90% of 300 million people, and maybe only half are able to make it to DC, I suppose some folks can't afford cars because of Obama's job-killing policies, that means that. . . um, carry the one. . about . . . 135 million people who could be reasonably expected to show up.

Or maybe this many?

 

We need to start calling bullshit on these people.

Starting with bullshit like this:

There's Little We Can Do to Prevent Another Massacre

by Megan McArdle Dec 17, 2012 3:00 PM EST

That is a lie. There is a lot we could do. We could do what Australia did after the Port Arthur massacre. We could do what Britain does. There's lots we could do. There has just been very little that we have so far been willing to do.

And bullshit solutions, like the one that Ms McArdle suggests:

  I'd also like us to encourage people to gang rush shooters, rather than following their instincts to hide; if we drilled it into young people that the correct thing to do is for everyone to instantly run at the guy with the gun, these sorts of mass shootings would be less deadly, because even a guy with a very powerful weapon can be brought down by 8-12 unarmed bodies piling on him at once.

Holy shit! You want children rushing directly into the hail of gunfire? Because they're going to be able to somehow pile on top of him? Maybe this might work if he was firing some old-timey weapon that had to be  cocked and loaded between shots, but a Bushmaster AR-15 spits dozens of bullets in a matter of seconds. The kids would be mowed down like the beginning of Saving Private Ryan!

And we especially need to call bullshit on the NRA. And those politicians who support them. Like Joe Manchin:

Wed Dec 19, 2012 at 01:30 PM PST

Sen. Joe Manchin: 'I'm so proud of the NRA'

“These are my friends,” Manchin, who previously served as governor, said of the NRA. “They’re good people. They’re hurting. They’re in pain the same way as every American about what happened to these twenty little children. 

That is a lie. The NRA doesn't feel a goddamned thing about those dead children. If they did, they wouldn't have been fighting tirelessly to perpetuate the conditions that ensure that these sickening slaughters will happen again and again and again.

It's possible that the NRA may have at one time been a legitimate organization representing hunters and "sportsmen" who were concerned that guns might possibly be banned, but today they represent no one but weapons manufacturers and they care about nothing but those companies' profits.  They do not care how many innocents are killed. Check out this little chart from Think Progress. (link) Every time there's a gun massacre, the NRA responds by trying to increase the proliferation of guns.

You say they are "hurting?" Whenever there's a massacre like this, gun sales go through the roof. That's no coincidence. The NRA and their enablers exploit these tragedies to gin up more paranoia amongst the gun-toting community. Either you better get you some more guns so you can defend yourself against the maniacs, or you better get you some more guns before the evil guv'mint comes to take them away! Hurting? They're laughing all the way to the bank!

We need to stop pretending that the NRA is a legitimate advocacy group.  They don't even represent their own membership. About 3/4 of NRA members are in favor of closing the gun-show loophole, for instance. The NRA will fight tooth and nail to prevent this. Because all they care about is selling more guns. They Do Not Care how many people die as a result of their lunatic policies. They will turn this entire country into a Peckinpah film if it increases their profits.

We need to start treating NRA membership the same way we treat membership in the Klan. Any sane, decent person who is currently a member should be strongly encouraged to tear up their card, renounce their membership, and not give another red cent to these death mongers. We need to get to the point where NRA members are ashamed to admit it in decent company. We need to get to the point that an NRA bumper sticker is looked at with the same disgust and loathing as an Aryan Nations tattoo. We need to call bullshit on this entire gun culture. And it needs to start now.

Hey, Texas Republicans, You Said That Out Loud!

 

The Texas Republican Party recently released its 2012 platform. As one might expect, it oscillates back and forth between crazy and stupid. There's a few dumb things you might expect, like

We also urge the Texas Legislature and the U.S. Congress to enact legislation prohibiting any judicial jurisdiction from allowing any substitute or parallel system of Law, specifically foreign Law (including Sharia Law)

You know, just because legislation is spectacularly unneccessary is no reason NOT to pass it!

and

Unelected, Appointed Bureaucrats (Czars) - We decry the appointment of unelected bureaucrats, and we urge Congress to use their constitutional authority to defund and abolish these positions and return authority to duly elected officials, accountable to the electorate.

Sure, let's vote for every fucking bureaucrat. I want the assistant to the under-secretary of agriculture to be directly accountable to me, the voter.  I can't have the President just going around appointing middle-managers to oversee the study of interstate traffic patterns without the voters weighing in.

There's the wholly pointless stuff, like

Electoral College - We strongly support the Electoral College.

Really, that's the entire bullet point. "we strongly support the Electoral College." Maybe they had to meet some minimum number of words or something?

And there's the crazy stuff like

Emergency War Powers and Martial Law Declarations - We strongly urge Congress to repeal the War Powers Act and end our declared state of emergency. Any Declaration of Martial law should be approved by Congress.

Because the president could be declaring martial law any minute without that Congressional check.
Also, wouldn't it be better to say "No Martial Law?" Why say no martial law unless. . . ?

and

Transportation Corridors – We oppose the construction of transportation projects which surrender control or ownership to foreign interest. We oppose the use of eminent domain for construction of a “trans-Texas corridor” or similar project which would create a federal corridor through Texas.

Yeah! I am so sick of the feds building roads and then giving them to the Belgians!
Also, um, you do know Interstate 10 already runs through Texas, right? I-10 is a federal road. A federal road through Texas. So you've kind of already lost this battle. Sorry.

And the assholish stuff like

Natural resources and conservation easements; groundwater and/or mineral rights are a vested ownership. Conservation easements, involving watersheds, green areas and nationalization of lands should be resisted in the strongest manner applicable.

'Cuz don't tell me I can't dump my leftover meth chemicals in the drinking water!

 

 There's even some stuff that makes sense, like

Judicial Nominees - We urge Republican Senate leadership to ensure that a record vote is taken on every judicial nominee.

Wow! When even the Texas Republican Party is fed up with your constant filibustering, maybe it's time to knock it off!

But there are a couple of planks in this platform that are truly shocking, even by Texas Republican Standards. First, there's this:

Voter Rights Act – We urge that the Voter Rights Act of 1965 codified and updated in 1973 be repealed and not reauthorized.

Wow! Um, guys, you're supposed to pretend that you don't intend to engage in voter suppression.

Oh, but that's nothing compared to this:

Knowledge-Based Education – We oppose the teaching of Higher Order Thinking Skills (HOTS) (values clarification), critical thinking skills and similar programs that are simply a relabeling of Outcome-Based Education (OBE) (mastery learning) which focus on behavior modification and have the purpose of challenging the student’s fixed beliefs and undermining parental authority.

Holy schneikies!

 Isn't challenging the student's fixed beliefs the whole point of education?
Oh, no we can't have that.
Let's say a student has a fixed belief that an old man who lives at the North Pole brings all the children of the world toys once a year. Sure would hate to have him ever challenge that belief!
Or let's say a kid has a fixed belief that the sun rises every morning out of the Gulf of Mexico, flies across the sky every day, then sets down in the Sea of Cortez each evening, because that's sure what it looks like. Can't have that belief challenged!

I know Republicans don't really like people to use critical thinking skills, but holy shit! You're not supposed to say that out loud!

Did you see the Awards?

No, not the Oscars. Who cares about the Oscars? The important awards are the Rotten Banana Awards given out by Wing Nut Daily.

Why rotten banana? I guess because Rotten Tomatoes was already taken?

I'll let them explain:

“These rotten films have been chosen not necessarily because they have sex, violence, nudity, or profanity, but because they have a worldview antithetical to the biblical worldview. They communicate philosophies that, in the final analysis, are anti-human and anti-God and that can only lead to disaster.”

Anyway, the awards are given out in categories like:


The Vile, Vulgar, and Anti-Christian Award, which this year goes to Kevin Smith's Red State.

I have not seen this movie, nor was I aware of its existence, but if it's a Kevin Smith film, it's a pretty good bet that it's vulgar. Vile? Anti-Christian? I can't say, so I'll just go ahead and assume that they hit this one right on the head.

The Slimy Pornification Award, given to the movie with the "worst promotion of pornography." Now, I would have assumed that this onewould be a thousand-way tie between every pornographic film made this year, but in a stunning upset, the award goes to Bucky Larson: Born to be a Star.

Because nothing promotes pornography better than Nick Swardson acting like a retarded person!

The Lying About the Police Award goes to the Woody Harrelson vehicle Ramparts because the Ramparts scandal in the LAPD totally wasn't an actual historical event which really happened in the real world and the filmmakers just made up all this stuff about LA having some corrupt cops. Or, as WND puts it: "Worst politically correct police portrayal."

 

I'm not sure how portraying a corrupt violent cop is "politically correct." As I understand it, "Political correctness" is supposed to be the practice of avoiding offense, but whatever.

This year's Ludicrous Lying about Shakespeare and Queen Elizabeth Award, given to the film with the "Worst Artistic Revisionist History," goes to Anonymous. 

 

No?

I'm not sure what the lie is, but considering that no one knows anything about Shakespeare, including whether or not he was a real person or just someone's nom de plume, it would be pretty hard to prove that anything said about him was a lie. But why let that stop you, this is Wing Nut Daily, not the frickin' true things club.

     

Apparently, even though it is incredibly unlikely that some uneducated actor penned the greatest works of English Literature, it is "Anti-human and anti-God" to not pretend that he did?

The Left Wing Attack Award goes to J. Edgar, for its "Worst Scurrilous Portrayal of a Historical Figure." because apparently, there is a positive way in which to portray J. Edgar Hoover?  

Well, he did protect us from the threat of John Lennon!

Then there's the Satanic Witchcraft Enticement Award, given to Paranormal Activity 3.

 

Which won by being the "Worst Movie Leading Children to the Occult." Because what better way to get children interested in the Occult than by scaring them to death? By showing them scary occult stuff? It's foolproof!


And my favorite award, the Lewd Sendup of Heroic Fantasy Award, which was given to the film Your Highness.

Of course, it's not just the award itself that's so great, it's the reason for winning. Your Highness won the award, because it contains "the Worst Stoner Mockery of Quests."

Quests! You know, you can get away with mocking a lot of things. You can mock Uncle Sam, the Baby Jesus, True love, but I'll be goddamned if you're going to mock quests on my watch! Quests are sacred, you assholes!


See the full list of evil films here: http://www.wnd.com/2012/02/the-rotten-banana-award-goes-to/

I can't vouch for any of the awards, as I haven't seen any of these movies. I would bet money, though that they haven't seen them either. If for no other reason than that they couldn't possibly afford the ammount of money it would take to get someone to sit through Bucky Larson, Your Highness, and Happy Feet 2.

It is now officially OK to vote for Michele Bachmann. God said so.

From the geniuses at Wing Nut Daily:

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Michele Bachmann's 2nd surge

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With Herman Cain out of the race, is Michele Bachmann poised for a second surge? And is there a biblical precedent for electing a woman president? 

Well, since there are exactly zero elections in the Bible, I'm going to go out on a limb and guess that no, there is no biblical precedent for electing a woman president.

I know I didn't vote for him, did you?

Many people forget that Michele Bachman had a first surge that briefly made her the GOP presidential primary frontrunner. 

No, we haven't forgotten. Our sides still ache from laughing.

She appealed to secular conservatives due to positions espousing smaller government and low taxes. Evangelical Christians loved her unashamed positions on issues of faith. 

Ignoramuses loved her steadfast refusal to "know things."

But somewhere along the way, "buyer's remorse" set in. Some evangelicals questioned the biblical teachings on women submitting to their husbands, wondering if they might be sinning by supporting and voting for a woman president. 

Oh, that must be what scared people off of Bachmann. Not her insistence that the founding fathers had ended slavery or her desire to eliminate the minimum wage. No, it must be the boobs.

So, the question is: Is there a biblical precedent for a woman president?
Yes. In a word: Deborah. 

(Artist's Rendition)

Yes, anyone who has ever been to Sunday School remembers the stories of the Deborah Administration!

The book of Judges, in Chapters 4 and 5, explains an eerily similar pattern to today's political and economic state of America. Ancient Israel had fallen on tough times.

The only other time in history during which a country had ever fallen on hard times. Eerie!

They had rejected Yahweh God and embraced the ways of the world.

Just like America with our one atheist in the Congress. That's 1/135th of the House!

 

Pete Stark trivia: He was my Congressman when I lived in Northern California.

They were surrounded by their enemies,

Canada, Mexico, the  Pacific Ocean. . .

They were surrounded by their enemies, and their men didn't have the moral fortitude to do what was necessary to survive.

Um, most of us seem to be surviving somehow. But whatever, do go on!

Enter Deborah, a prophetess, a righteous judge and a "Mother in Israel" (read: Rep. Bachmann with five biological children and 23 foster kids).  

A mother in Israel, a foster mother in Minnesota. Tomato, tomahto.

 

 

We know how much respect you have for mothers!

A man named Barak – really, we're not making this stuff up – was supposed to lead the Israelites to fight evil Jabin's Canaanite army commander, Sisera. But Barak wimped out, refusing to go unless Deborah went with him.

It's not so much that he was "supposed to" lead the Israelites as Deborah seemed to pick him at random, but whatever. And since Deborah was the one that God supposedly spoke through, wouldn't it make sense that he would want her to come with? 

Ultimately Deborah's ally, Jael (another woman), killed cruel commander Sisera by hammering a tent peg through his temple, ushering in 40 years of peace for Israel.

Great. Except Jael was not Deborah's ally. See Judges 4: 17 - 

¹⁷ Sisera, meanwhile, fled on foot to the tent of Jael, the wife of Heber the Kenite, because there was an alliance between Jabin king of Hazor and the family of Heber the Kenite. 

The family of Heber the Kenite was allied with Jabin of Hazor, dummy. Everyone knows that! And Jabin King of Hazor was the enemy, the king for whom Sisera worked. 

 

Also, Jael wife of Heber was a fuckin bad-ass!

The conclusion: There is a biblical precedent set for God sending a woman to do a man's job when a man isn't willing to boldly step up to the plate to get the job done.

  

 Today, in our quest for a moral champion, we have witnessed a long line of conservative men who had their shot and failed. Rick Perry entered both barrels blazing, but floundered. 

(pictured: Both Barrels)

Herman Cain went from frontrunner to a perceived moral failure.

Perceived? A PERCEIVED moral failure?

While Ron Paul is a professing pro-life Christian, he refuses to end abortion, and being of the "libertarian" denomination, he leaves important moral matters like abortion and drug use to individual states to decide.

Conservatives hate states' rights!

Robotic Romney with never so much as a hair out of place, has double trouble being from two problematic denominations to Christians: 1) He's a Mormon and 2) he's a liberal.

 

Mormons are weird!

And with Cain quitting amidst suspicions of moral failure, how will Newt Gingrich survive the public scrutiny over cheating on his first wife and marrying his mistress, only to cheat on her and marry again? 

I don't know, but with Cain dropping out, Captain Adultery is now in first place. Surviving doesn't really seem to be a problem for him. Oh, by the way, I can never keep track, do we not hate Catholics anymore?

And alas, Huntsman is a younger version of Bob Dole. 

Oh, come on! That's it? That's like10 words! No respect!

That leaves Rick Santorum and Michele Bachmann. And while Santorum stands for the right issues, he has proven to be shaky in the heat of battle, inexplicably backing a string of liberals, including the infamous liberal Republican Arlen Specter in Pennsylvania instead of staunch conservative Pat Toomey.

 

Could you support this thing?

Bottom line: The only man left standing is a woman. Her name is Michele Bachman, and she's set for a second surge. 

So it's good to know that if you have absolutely exhausted all male possibilities, God will apparently forgive you, just this once, for voting for a lady-type person. Thanks, WND!