The 2019 Conservative Olympics.

It's that time of year again. Time for CPAC, the right-wing Olympics, in which conservative shitheads compete in events like Who Can Tell The Stupidest Lie and Who Can Be The Most Offensive.


In the normal person Olympics, there are categories like Track and Field, Aquatics, or Cycling. In the shitlympics of CPAC, most events are organized into 4 major categories: Dishonesty, Insanity, Stupidity, and Shamelessness.


It's early in the competition yet, but let's check in with some of our contestants.

One of the first notable participants was the "My Pillow" guy, Mike Lindell.



Until recently, Lindell was known only for making a pillow that is pretty much the same a s any standard pillow you'd find in any Target or Wal-Mart and somehow convincing people to pay 50 bucks for them. So he's definitely got shamelessness going for him. Let's see his floor routine.

Mike Lindell, a conservative Christian and owner of My Pillow, asserted on Thursday that President Donald Trump has been “chosen by God.”

Now ordinarily, a move like this would be considered to have a high degree of difficulty, but this is CPAC, where everyone ptetty much already believes that, so he's going to have to add a new wrinkle if he wants to pull down a high score.

During Thursday’s Conservative Political Action Conference (CPAC), Lindell told the audience that Jesus had saved him from alcoholism and crack addiction.

Ooh, and he's veering a bit off-topic, this might not play well with the judges. They do love a good Jesus story, but acknowledging that white people get hooked on crack? They may deduct a full point for that. We'll have to wait and see.

“I woke up from years of addiction, and I was oblivious as to what was going on in our country,” he explained. “What I saw before me were friends unemployed, terrible political correctness, people saying happy holidays instead of merry Christmas

Oh, wow! Nicely played! The very thought that the biggest problems our country faced were unemployment and the fact that it wasn't really cool to say racist shit? They're gonna love that at CPAC. And the cherry on top: the fantasy of people afraid to say the words "merry" and "Christmas" even though everyone says those words all the time the entire month of December, that's a sure crowd-pleaser!

“Donald Trump invited me to the meet him at Trump Tower in New York City,” Lindell said. “I walked into his office with high hopes on August 15th, 2016. I walked out of that office after meeting with him and I knew God had chosen him for such a time as this.”

And he sticks the landing!

But, as we said earlier, the low degree of difficulty may cost him here. It's been widely accepted on the right for years that the President of the United States is chosen specifically by God himself to lead the free world unless he's a Democrat. He's really not pulling out anything the judges haven't seen a thousand times before.

Lindell added: “God answered our prayers, our millions of prayers and gave us grace, and a miracle happened on November 8th, 2016. We were given a second chance and time granted to get our country back on track with our conservative values and getting people saved in Jesus name.”

I would say he's beating a dead horse at this point, but to be fair, this is CPAC, where dead horses are beaten like rented mules and these folks eat that shit up.


Now let's head over to the main stage where former governor Scott Walker is preparing to compete in Most oOtrageous Lie:

Holy shit -- here's @ScottWalker suggesting some people "take the baby home and kill the baby at home."

"By the way, it's not live-birth abortion. It's not infanticide. It is murder if you take the baby home and kill the baby at home, it's murder."

Nobody disagrees with that! pic.twitter.com/w6Q8B6wDrA

— Aaron Rupar (@atrupar) February 28, 2019

Wow! A very strong opening round from Walker! That lie is going to be hard to beat. The combination of the audacity, the brazen untruthfulness, and the repulsive quality - - well, that's just not something you see every day.

Now our forst international competitor, Sebastion Gorka from God knows what country - FakeAccentistan? Gorka is an experienced veteran in the sport of outrageous lying and is also a Nazi.

Former Trump White House official Sebastian Gorka: "They want to take away your hamburgers. This is what Stalin dreamt about but never achieved."

😂😭😂😭🤦‍♂️ pic.twitter.com/t5amL02ABm

— Aaron Rupar (@atrupar) February 28, 2019

Oooh. That came up a bit short. I mean, it's completely absurd of course, absurdity has always been Gorka's strong suit, but I don't think we're really seeing the offensiveness that it would take to hang in there with Walker. Gorka's lie is laughable, but not in a way that you would feel guilty about laughing. No mention of dead babies, no accusations of infanticide. . . just not his best work. And the judges agree.

It's going to be tough for Gorka to medal this year.

And I'm getting word now that another former governor, Maine's Paul LePage, has entered the competition offsite.

That's right, Perfessor. LePage is not even at CPAC, but this entry could earn him at least a silver in Blatant Racism.

Speaking to the hosts of the WVOM morning show this week, former Governor Paul LePage lambasted a bill being considered by Maine’s legislature to join with other states to essentially bypass the Electoral College and ensure that the President is elected by the national popular vote.
“Actually what would happen if they do what they say they’re gonna do is white people will not have anything to say. It’s only going to be the minorities that would elect. It would be California, Texas, Florida,” said LePage.

Oh, and that's a stunningly racist statement from LePage! Very few contestants are able to avoid the "sugarcoating" trap and just pour out straight 100-proof vintage racism like that. We haven't seen a racist this strong since the days of Strom Thurmond and Lester Maddox! I gotta say, this makes him the man to beat in this event.


Well, that's all the time we have tonight. Tune in tomorrow for more coverage of the 2019 Shitllympics. Brought to you by overpriced mediocre pillows!

Screwy Louie is Really Screwy

This is actually worth watching. Pour yourself a couple fingers of good Kentucky bourbon and revel in this.  Just marvel at the fact that this is a grown man with an education and this is actually what he thinks.





So, first of all he refers to a man who "doesn't know which he is" by which I assume he means a transgendered man. I really am shocked that in 2016 anyone is still going with the "oh, he's just confused" approach to LGBT folks.
And where in the Hell does Screwy Louie come up with the idea that throughout our history, trans men have been "loved and encouraged?"

 Even in our supposedly enlightened age, I'm pretty sure that LGBT people still face a sickening amount of  undeserved opprobrium, mockery, and violence. What time in our history is Gomer referring to when the dominant cis/het culture looked at their LGBT brethren and sistren with love and understanding, taking pity upon them while trying to help them find their way out of their confusion? Up until very recently, one could be jailed for being homosexual or transgendered. I mean, one still could in a lot of horrible places, but a generation ago, one could in civilized countries like England.  (Sexual Offences Act 1967)

 Then he rues the fact that "we now have a government that says 'forget what the Bible says., forget what Moses says.'" Well good! That's what they're supposed to do. This is not a theocracy. We don't stone disobedient children or make rape victims marry their attackers anymore either. (well, most of us don't)

And as far as Jesus saying "what God has joined together let no man put asunder," that's an argument against divorce. It has nothing to do with gay marriage, or transgendered people or whatever the hell he's on about.

Oh, but we haven't even gotten to the really stupid part yet.

First he claims that the founders believed that Jesus was part of the Holy Trinity. Honestly, this is an argument we need to stop having. Because, if you want to believe that the Founding Fathers were devout Christians, you can find plenty of examples of Founding Fathers who were devout Christians. If you want to believe that the Founding fathers were deist intellectuals, you can find plenty of examples of Founding fathers who were Deist intellectuals. The Founding Fathers couldn't agree on much, that's why the Constitution is littered with things known as the "Great Compromise," the "three-fifths compromise," etc. They were not a monolithic group. It's stupid to say that the founders believed something or didn't believe it. Because on pretty much any subject, some believed it and some didn't. Hell, these bastards couldn't even agree on whether black people should be counted as human beings.

Also, in the time of the Founding Fathers, people believed that the best cure for any ailment was to open up a vein and drain out some of that faulty blood. Would you like to resume that practice, or do you enjoy having modern medicine?

Then he makes the weird argument that if you don't believe in God, you should be worried about what will happen when you meet God. Which is something like Woody Allen saying that he is an atheist but is afraid that God is going to punish him for it. Only not clever. Just weird.

But that's still not the really stupid part.


At about the 2:00 mark, Screwy Louie starts talking about what if an asteroid was coming to destroy earth like it did to the dinosaurs which, I guess I have to give him credit for realizing that dinosaurs were real and didn't die off in the Flood. But what if we had to go to Mars like Matt Damon?

Okay, first of all, if there was a humanity-destroying-sized asteroid headed toward Earth, instead of sending Matt Damon to go colonize Mars, why not just send Bruce Willis and Ben Affleck to blow it up?






And if you could put 40 people on a spaceship, how many would be same-sex couples? Really?
Okay, number one, I wouldn't put any couples on that spaceship. Because if the goal is to perpetuate the species (and honestly, what have we ever done as a species to deserve to be perpetualted?) but if the goal is to populate Mars, you're going to want a whole lot more women than men. because if watching Judge Judy has taught us nothing else, it's that one man can easily impregnate multiple women. So I'm thinking maybe like 25 women and 15 men? So basically, I want Mormons.

 

I'd send everyone in this picture to outer space right now, asteroid or no asteroid.

Also, I'm pretty sure if the survival of humanity depended upon it, gay men and lesbians could spend the occasional evening together for reproductive purposes. Most of the gay folks I know have had hetero relationships at some point and I'm pretty sure that human life wasn't hanging in the balance. Hell, I know one gay man who fathered 2 wonderful children before he finally couldn't take living that lie anymore. So if he could do it, I'm pretty sure gay astronauts could close their eyes and picture Brad Pitt for the few minutes it would take to save the human race. Hell, if you strand two straight guys on a desert island with no women, they'll be banging each other by sundown. Pretty sure it could work the other way 'round, too.

Then he seems to think that someone has "abolished" the first words of the First Amendment, and I'm not even sure how that would work, but the first words of the First Amendment are: Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion. 
Now, Louie was just saying, like a minute ago, that our government is ignoring the words of God and Moses and Jesus which is exactly what the government must do in order to fulfill the words of the First Amendment, so I'm really getting confused now. 







Also, no one is prohibiting the free exercise of religion. It's not even worth going into, but in the USofA, you can practice whatever religion you want. You know this, you lightbulb-headed old hick.


Oh, and the US was founded by the grace of God? As an instrument to bless the world?  I gotta think the Almighty must have regretted that move once he saw what we did to the Native Americans and people we kidnapped from Africa.




We've had enough blessings, thank you.

And he ends with the best closing line ever. "This nation. . . is still a fact!"
Yes, Gomer. It is. This nation really is still a fact. Now maybe go have a lie down?

Can we just have this guy committed already?

I don't know how crazy Ron Paul actually is. I suspect some of  the insanity might be an act to appeal to a certain demographic that can easily be convinced to buy gold because FEMA is gonna put you in a camp and force-feed you flouride!!1!

But either way, if he's going to keep playing the part of a bug-eyed lunatic, can't we just fit him for a straightjacket and toss him into a padded cell?

Ron Paul Says U.S. 'Likely Hiding Truth' About MH17 Crash

The Huffington Post  | By Dominique Mosbergen

 

Because of course they are, just like they've been hiding the truth about Area 51 for all these years.

"The U.S. government has grown strangely quite on the accusation that it was Russia or her allies that brought down the Malaysian airliner with a buck anti-aircraft missile [sic]," the former GOP presidential candidate wrote. "The little that we have heard from U.S. intelligence is that it has no evidence that Russia was involved. Yet the war propaganda were successful in convincing the American public that it was all Russia’s fault."

I've read that paragraph like 10 times now, and I'm still not sure what point he's making about whose propaganda, other than maybe  "YOUR GOVERNMENT IS LYING TO YOU! WAKE UP, SHEEPLE!!!"




Also, "strangely silent?' The administration has not really been all that silent about pinning at least some of the blame on Russia:

Do a quick Google search for "Obama + Russia + Flight 17" and see what pops up:

US Sees Evidence of Russian Links to Jet's Downing - The ...

www.nytimes.com/.../malaysia-airlines-plane-ukraine....

The New York Times

Jul 17, 2014 - President Obama pointed to the Kremlin's role in arming rebels in the area of the attack and ...

'Culpable' in Malaysia Airlines Flight 17 Downing - Wall ...

online.wsj.com/.../pentagon-russia-sending-heavier-...

The Wall Street Journal

Jul 25, 2014 - White House Says Putin 'Culpable' in Malaysia Airlines Flight 17 Downing

Obama blames Russia, Putin for flight MH17 shooting - The ...

timesofindia.indiatimes.com › World

The Times of India

Jul 18, 2014 - WASHINGTON: US President Barack Obama on Friday squarely blamed Russia and its President Putin for the outrageous shooting down of ..

So I don't really get what "strange silence" he's referring to.

"It’s hard to believe that the U.S., with all of its spy satellites available for monitoring everything in Ukraine that precise proof of who did what and when is not available," he added. 

Really? Hard to believe, is it?  Hard to believe that the US Intelligence community might have missed something? You know, the crack group that didn't foresee the fall of the Berlin Wall?  The guys who took decades to figure out that maybe Aldrich Ames was up to something fishy? Those guys?

I will never understand why people who hold as a fundamental belief that government is inherently incompetent and can do nothing right also somehow believe that the CIA/NSA/etc are omniscient, omnipotent entities capable of pulling off the wildest of conspiracies.

"Questions do remain regarding the serious international incident," Paul wrote last week of the MH17 crash. "Too bad we can’t count on our government to just tell us the truth and show us the evidence. I’m convinced that it knows a lot more than it’s telling us."

 Seriously, can we just have this guy committed already?

Ted Cruz is at it again!

Hey, everybody. Pay attention, now. Totally not-delusional weirdo Ted Cruz has issued a very super-important report that is totally serious, you guys. Seriously, for real!

And you can see how important it is because he went with this cover:




instead of his first choice:

 

  Anyway, it is entitled:

THE LEGAL LIMIT: THE OBAMA ADMINISTRATION’S ATTEMPTS TO EXPAND FEDERAL POWER

Because apparently it can be expanded beyond what Bush expanded it to? (but that didn't count because "keeping us safe" and "war on terror" and "fredommmmm!!!!")


And after a long, self-important introduction, which I will spare you. . . oh, hell, I had to read it, so do you! Here's just a little taste.

Of all the troubling aspects of the Obama presidency, none is more dangerous than the President's persistent pattern of lawlessness, his willingness to disregard the written law and instead enforce his own policies via executive fiat.

In the more than two centuries of our nation’s history, there is simply no precedent for the White House wantonly ignoring federal law and asking others to do the same.

Except for that one guy who decided habeus corpus was optional and that warantless wiretapping was only illegal  unless he really really wanted to, and that torture was perfectly fine as long as you didn't call it torture. . .




"Enhanced Fondling." Perfectly legal!


anyway, then he lists the various categories of supposed misdeeds:

Governing by Executive Fiat
National Security
Obamacare
Economy
Executive Nominees and Personel
Free Speech and Privacy
Other Lawless Acts
Other Abuses of Power

Let's have a look at a few of these totally illegal lawbreakings, shall we?

1. Disregarded 1996 welfare reform law in granting broad work waivers for work requirements of Temporary Assistance for Needy Families (TANF).

Wow, right out of the gate! That's a lie. Or Mr. Cruz is stunningly misinformed, either way it is just not true. And this is the Very first misdeed on the misdeed list! You'd think you'd begin with actual wrongdoings before you have to resort to blatant falsehoods to pad out the list.

5. Extended federal marriage benefits by recognizing, under federal law, same-sex marriages created in a state that allows same-sex marriage even if the couple is living in a state that doesn’t recognize same-sex marriage.

Um, okay, at least that one is true, but how is it an "abuse of power" or "lawlessness" or whatever? It has always been the case that a marriage that is legal in Michigan is legal in Mississippi is legal in Maryland. The fact that some fucktard bass-ackwatrds states choose not to recognize valid legal marriages from other more enlightened states doesn't change that. If the President has decided to honor the principle of equal protection under the law, I don't see how you can say he's doing anything wrong. He's just doing something you don't like.

 NATIONAL SECURITY

1. Falsely portrayed the Benghazi terrorist attack as a spontaneous protest against an anti-Muslim YouTube video, and then lied about the White House’s involvement

Wow, I can't believe he waited this long to go to the #Benghazi, Behghazi, Benghazi!!!

#Benghazi    #tcot

I'm pretty sure that it is not a crime for the intelligence community to say "let's not let the terrorists know that we know it's them, because strategy."  Also, the huge demonstrations which the terrorists used to aid their attack absolutely were spontaneous protests against an anti-Muslim video. Also, fuck you, Ted Cruz. Never heard a peep out of you when Dubya was lying about WMDs. Those lies cost thousands of American lives. "Lying" about Benghazi, and there's no real reason to think that these were even lies, cost exactly zero. But which one are you assholes holding hearing after hearing about, hmm?

4.  Killed four Americans overseas in counterterrorism operations without judicial process.

Oh my God, how are you not leading with this? How is it that on your list of misdeeds, killing 4 Americans without due process is NUMBER FOUR in SECTION TWO? Where are your priorities? This is the only one that seems like an actual crime. (And if it isn't, it should be.) But to you, it's apparently an afterthought, tucked in between "Failed to enforce the Magnitsky Act" and "Continued to give Egypt aid" You have some seriously fucked-up priorities, Cruz.

Then we get in to what is really the most super-illegal impeach-now category of high crimes:

OBAMACARE
2. Delayed the individual mandate for two years.

So, he did what the Republicans had begged/demanded that he do?  Impeach!!!

Also, I'm not sure if you're aware of this, but in our system (not the Canadian system with which you're familiar) the Executive Branch is in charge of implementing laws. If the executive decides that a delay ion implementation is necessary, that's his perogative. He has to administer the laws, hence the phrase "Obama Administration) 

4. Extended the deadline to enroll in Obamacare.

See above.

Also, you are really getting desperate if extending a dealine is one of your "abuses of power!"

 I mean, you could hardly get more ridiculous than that!

 9. Illegally required people to violate their faith via the Obamacare contraception mandate.

 Oh, I stand corrected.

Enforcing the law of the land is illegal now? It's illegal if some uptight Bible-thumpers are uncomfortable with aspects of the law? What about the law that says that Rastafarians are not allowed to smoke pot even though it is part of their religion? What about the law that says you can't be a bigamist even if your brand of Mormonism is totally okay with that? What about fuck you, you don't get to impose your religious beliefs on your employees?

 

10. As of May 2011, over 50% of Obamacare waiver beneficiaries were union members (who account for less than 12% of the American work force).

Um, that is a statistic. Not a scandal. 

I don't know whether it's true, and since the source you cite for this claim is the Washington Times, I doubt that it is, but either way, a statistic is not a crime.

FREE SPEECH AND PRIVACY    
1. Illegally targeted conservative groups for heightened IRS scrutiny. 

Jeezus, how many times does that need to be debunked? 

OTHER LAWLESS ACTS

1. Aided drug cartels instead of enforcing immigration laws—as found by a federal judge. Border Patrol agents, multiple times, knowingly helped smuggle illegal immigrant children into the U.S.

  

What? The border patrol helping drug cartels? And helping the drug cartels by smuggling children. . . what? Where the fuck would you even come up with so insane an idea?

 
Stephen Dinan,

 Border Patrol helps smuggle illegal immigrant children into the United States  Wash. Times, Dec. 19, 2013.

 

Oh, of course.
You do know that the Moonie Times is not a reliable source of. . . oh, never mind. Of course you don't.

2. Illegally sold thousands of guns to criminals, in the operation known as Fast and Furiousand then refused to comply with congressional subpoenas about the operation

How many times does THAT need to be debunked? Seriously, that is NOT what happened. And F&F wasa program initiated by the Bush Administration. And the drug dealers were able to buy weapons of war in Arizona because gun nuts like you have eviscerated Arizona's gun laws to the point that pretty much anyone can buy an assault weapon there.
  

3. Dismissed charges filed by Bush Administration against New Black Panther Party members who were videotaped intimidating voters at a Philadelphia polling station during the 2008 election.

True. Of course, that had a lot to do with the fact that there was no complaining witness. No one reported being intimidated by the Panthers who were legally observing the polling station. But other than that, yeah. Scandal!

 

4. Argued for expansive federal powers in the Supreme Court, which has rejected the Administration’s arguments unanimously 9 times since January 2012

  How is that a "Lawless Act," exactly?
Pleading your case in court? That's lawless now? Better go arrest every lawyer in America!

 

5. Sued Louisiana to stop school vouchers and keep low-income minorities trapped in failing schools.

 

It's unlawful to file a lawsuit? I mean, shit, it has the word "law" right in it! Right before "suit!" How can that be lawless? 

Any way, there are so many more, but who has the strength? The point is, Ted Cruz is a nutty, stupid piece of shit with no soul, no conscience, and very little grasp of reality.

Insane Laws Interspersed With Adorable Kittens

It's possible that some state Republicans are seeing the writing on the wall, realizing that they are fast becoming a permanent minority party and there's only so long you can keep Gerrymandering your way out of irrelevance. So, while they still have power, they're pulling out all the stops and putting the pedal to the metal towards Crazytown while they still have the chance. Here are a few of their more insane recent proposals, interspersed with adorable kittens to keep your heads from exploding.

 

You're welcome, humans!

First up, Montana crazy person Gary Marbut has proposed a "Sheriffs First" bill that would, in defiance of the Constitution, years of legal precedent and common sense, give local Sheriffs supremacy over Federal Law enforcement officers. Not only would FBI, ATF or Federal Marshalls have to get permission from the local yokel sheriff before arresting anyone, if they failed to do so the ensuing arrest would be considered kidnapping and the Federal agent could be arrested and charged.

Hey, who do you trust more?

Montana Bill Would Let Sheriffs Arrest FBI Agents for Arresting People

If Montana voters approve Gary Marbut's referendum in November 2014, any FBI agent who tries to arrest a Montanan for a federal crime could be arrested—and charged with kidnapping.

Marbut's "Sheriffs First" bill, which cleared a Montana state Senate committee last week, makes it a crime for a federal agent to take any law-enforcement steps without first getting permission from the county sheriff.

This might sound like the sort of whack-a-doo idea that would have no chance of passing, but. . .

The proposal already passed both houses of the Legislature once, in 2011, but was vetoed by then-Gov. Brian Schweitzer, a Democrat.

In Missouri, nutbag legislator Mike Leara has proposed a law which would make proposing a law against the law. Sounds complicated, but it isn't. In fact, the entire bill is only one sentence:

578.460. Any member of the general assembly who proposes a piece of legislation that further restricts the right of an individual to bear arms, as set forth under the second amendment of the Constitution of the United States, shall be guilty of a class D felony.

So if any member of the Missouri legislature were to propose, say, limiting magazine size or keeping assault weapons out of the hands of criminals, that legislator would himself become a criminal, but would probably still be able to own a small arsenal, because FREEDOMMMMMMMM!!!!!

I'm not sure what the legal theory is behind this, what interpretation of what law makes this lunatic think this law would stand up to the slightest legal scrutiny, but I think it's probably based on the legal precedent of Because I Want To v. Fuck You.




Not to be outdone, ironically named South Carolina State Senator Lee Bright has proposed a bill that would have high schools teach classes about guns.

I'm pretty sure this is not him, but Google image search seems to think she is.

 



Bright says he got the idea after hearing from older constituents who “remembered the days” when students could join a rifle team or learn about shooting during a school day. “We’ve got football, we’ve got basketball, and we’ve got baseball,” says Bright. “I think if they had a hunting team, it would be a great idea.

If there's any substantive difference between a basketball and a loaded rifle, I have yet to see it!












And then, of course, there's Kansas.

Kansas, where they want to pass a law requiring teachers to lie to their students.

Bill asks teachers to question climate change in class

HB2306 calls climate change 'scientific controversy'

House Bill 2306, introduced last week, says science classes must “provide information to students of scientific evidence which both supports and counters a scientific theory or hypothesis.”

Like gravity, or the Earth being round.

The bill says instruction about “scientific controversies” should be objective and include “both the strengths and weaknesses of such scientific theory or hypothesis.” The only controversy identified in the bill is “climate science.”

Because only 97% of scientist agree about global warming. That's hardly a consensus! Obviously both sides should get their viewpoints aired. Both the scientists funded by Exxon-Mobil and those funded by the Koch Brothers!





Well, that's enough for one night. I'm sure there are many more CRAAAAAAAZY laws being proposed by Republicans throughout this great land. There are damn sure more adorable kittens!

Yesterday's Aborted Santorum Post

Rick Santorum is fucking crazy.



But you already knew that.
The only reason I mention this is because it has been brought to my attention that this blog is the number one result for the search term "Rick Santorum is Fucking Crazy."

Check it out: Rick Santorum is Fucking Crazy

Anyway, as we all know, being fucking insane is the least of Rick Santorum's Google-related problems.

Santorum asks Google to clean up search results for his name

September 21, 2011|By John D. Sutter, CNN

On Tuesday, the socially conservative politician lashed out at Google, saying the company could get rid of the sexual references to his name on the search results if it wanted to -- and perhaps would do so if he were a Democrat.

Yeah, maybe they could but maybe it's just too damn funny!

 Also, Google is a business. They are in the search business to make a profit. Do you think that they should lie to their customers? When someone searches for Santorum, their job is not to promote your campaign or spare your feelings, their job is to present the most popular results in order of popularity. If they eliminated the results that are gross, they would be lying to their customers. It would be like presenting the baseball standings and just leaving off the Yankees because Red Sox fans might be offended. You can't say that what you're presenting is an accurate list of the baseball standings.

"I suspect if something was up there like that about Joe Biden, they'd get rid of it," he told Politico. "If you're a responsible business, you don't let things like that happen in your business that have an impact on the country."

God, you're such a Republican! Do they automatically give you lessons on playing the victim when you sign up with the GOP?
First off, really? You really think they would delete something offensive about Biden? They don't even remove the racist shit people post about President Obama.

It took me like 5 seconds to find these.

Second, there isn't anything like that about Joe Biden because he's never said anything as vile and despicable as your gay-bashing rants.

Third, "an impact on the country?" "An impact on the country?" How do you figure this has any impact on the country? Do you think that this is why you're losing? You think you'd be leading the primaries if not for this? Do you think people are saying "Say, I like that Santorum fella, I believe I'll Google him to learn more about his policy positions. . . Oh my God! Here I thought that Santorum was a right-wing religious nut former senator, but now I come to learn that he is actually a frothy mix of lube and fecal matter that is sometimes the byproduct of anal sex! Well, I agree with his domestic policy positions, but I just can't bring myself to vote for a  frothy mix of lube and fecal matter that is sometimes the byproduct of anal sex. That just wouldn't be right!"

Do you think that's why you're not winning? Take a look at the guy who is leading:

He has basically the same positions as you on pretty much everything, from hating the gays to hating the government to loving the fetuses, but he looks like this:



Whereas you, with the identical platform, look like this:




Imagine you're a voter. Imagine that you were given a choice between two ideologically identical candidates, one who looks like this:



and one who looks like this:



Who are you going to choose? Be honest, now.

Of course you choose Governor Handsome. Why wouldn't you?

 

Please stop saying things. Please God, make my daddy stop saying things!

I'm pretty sure the original post was way funnier, this was the best i could do from memory.