The War on Thanksgiving.

About this time each year, the FOX crowd starts trotting out their "War on Christmas" bs machine.



 Oh, they will fight to the death to defend Christmas from the imagined "attacks" it faces from people who, um. . . are willing to acknowledge that some people celebrate other holidays?

Or folks who want to maintain the separation of Church and State?
Oh no,  wait, I mean INFIDELS!!!! AMERICA-HATING INFIDELS!!!!!


And every Spring they pretend there's a "War on Easter" to be fought.

Heck, they've even discovered a "War on Halloween"



Even though the only people who tend to object to Halloween are evangelical Christians who object to the holiday's pagan roots and scary "occultic" overtones. In other words, FOX news viewers.

But what about Thanksgiving?

Because Thanksgiving is actually under attack by the obscene spectacle known as "Black Friday." People are actually having their Thanksgivings taken away from them by stores who now not only insist that their employees be at work before the crack of dawn the day after, but now don't even close for Thanksgiving itself.

Where is the outrage on the right?

Why does the "pro-family" crowd raise no objection to people being deprived of family time in the service of feeding America's frenzy of acquisitiveness and materialism?

What's a bigger affront to holiday tradition, a cashier wishing you "Happy Holidays" or having a Thanksgiving that goes like this:  "Gee, Grandma, everything smells so good, you've really outdone yourself this year. . . well, got to go sell some cheap electronics or I'll be unemployed. See you at Christmas hopefully!"

 

See you later. Those robot dogs aren't going to sell themselves!

Every year it gets worse and worse. The entire concept of "Black Friday" is grotesque enough to begin with. Once the term "Black Friday" went from being backroom retailer jargon to part of the everyday lexicon of normal people, we lost a part of our national soul. Once flyers began proudly announcing "Black Friday Sales!" we as a society should have stood up and said "No! We will not create a holiday based on celebrating your corporate profitability!" But we didn't. We allowed this indignity to infect our culture and it quickly spread like a cancer.

First it spread to Midnight of Thanksgiving day. Which of course meant that store employees were forced to leave their families by 10 or 11 that evening.

Then the stores began opening earlier and earlier Thursday evening until they got to the point where many stay open the entire holiday. As if it were just another day to make sales.

So where are the FOX News special reports on the "War on Thanksgiving?" Why does the one holiday that is actually under attack not see the same umbrage raised  as those holidays whose attacks are pure fiction?

Could it be because this war is being waged by large powerful corporations in the interest of increased profits? Instead of by "secular humanists" or whichever right-wing bogeymen are launching the imaginary wars on other holidays? Nah. . . couldn't be.

Questionable Christmas Songs (2nd Annual)

1. The Little Drummer Boy.



Here's the problem with the Little Drummer Boy:  imagine your friend just had a baby. You go tot he maternity ward to visit. There's the new mother and the new father and the tiny little newborn baby, and you say "Gee, Bill and Susan, I didn't have enough money to get you a proper baby gift (I am a poor boy, too) but here is what I will do. I give you the gift of music." Then bang out a killer drum solo. How popular do you think you would be right then with Bill and Susan?
I don't claim to be any sort of baby expert, but here's what I do know about babies. They sleep. A lot. They really are just the laziest little people you'd ever want to meet. They sleep, they drink, and they pee themselves and cry. They're basically glorified winos. So the one thing that any parent of a newborn does not want is for someone to wake the baby. Because if he ain't sleeping, he's soiling himself and crying and no one wants that. Or he's reachin' for the boobies. Babies are freakin' obsessed with boobies! It's really just unseemly. Get over it babies, they're just boobies! Geez!
Anyway, if this kid came into the stable and started rum-a-tum-tumming on his little drum, Joseph would have thrown him out on his ear. And no way does the baby smile at him. I know he's Jesus, but still, he has his limits.

And baby Jesus is a way better drummer than you, anyway.

Here he is pounding out the solo from "Moby Dick"

2. Walking in a Winter Wonderland.

 

This is not, strictly speaking, a Christmas song at all. There is no mention of Christmas in the lyrics at all. (Why do they hate America?) But it is in heavy rotation around the Holidays, so I'm including it here. In the middle of the song there is this odd verse:

In the meadow we can build a snowman,
Then pretend that he is Parson Brown

He'll say: Are you married?
We'll say: No man,
But you can do the job
When you're in town.

Okay, first of all, what kind of dirty hippies address the parson as "Man?" When the parson asks you a question the answer is "yes, sir" or "No, Reverend"  you don't talk to a man of the cloth like he's one of your crazy beatnik friends. You show some goddamned respect!

Secondly, if you built a snowman and he asks you a question, I'm pretty sure that the proper response is "AIEEEE!!!! A Talking Snowman!!!!!" Then you run. Run like the wind and never look back. And don't stop running until you are home behind a locked door. And let's never speak of this to anyone.

 

3. Baby It's Cold Outside.

Again, not strictly speaking a Christmas song. But I include it here because I want to say something to the male singer in this duet. NO MEANS NO! 

Also, I think at one point, he slips her a mickey. 

The neighbors might think - Baby, it's bad out there
Say, what's in this drink?

That's pretty suspicious. Sounds to me like he might have roofied her. And that's not in keeping with the Holiday spirit. Actually, there isn't any time of year when that would be acceptable. What the hell? Why is there a Christmas song about date rape? That's really horrible.

And on that note,

HAPPY FESTIVUS!

Or Christmas

Or Channukah

Or whatever you  young people celebrate these days.

Damn kids!

 

Stand For Christmas! Or don't. Whatever.

So apparently, the war on the "war on Christmas" has begun! And the latest volley comes from a website called StandForChristmas.com

This site allows you, the shopper, to post reviews and comments about various stores and their level of pro-Christmasiness or anti-Christmasitude.

Seriously.
Here is a sample of some comments on the site, which I will try to translate
into sane English.

Comment Date: Dec 2 2009 8:22 AM
Rating: Christmas-Offensive
Comment: When did a Christmas tree become a 'Great tree'? When it appeared at Macy's. They won't get my patronage.

Translation: If you aren't using our Lord and Savior as a marketing tool to boost profits, you'll get none of my money!

Comment Date: Dec 1 2009 8:06 AM
Rating: Christmas-Offensive
Comment: Me and my family shop at Dadeland Macys in Miami Florida.The Salespersons are very friendly and Christmas Focus.I am a very Aggressive and Bold person for CHRIST any store that i spend my money in they better tell me Merry Christmas or a VOID will be following in seconds.

Translation: And the Lord said to his disciples: "Go ye into all the world and scream my name in the faces of retail clerks, lest thou have to void thy transaction."

(On a side note, I really don't get why this person rated Macy's as Christmas-Offensive when he says that the salespersons are "very friendly and Christmas focus."[sic])


Comment Date: Nov 24 2009 2:37 PM
Rating: Christmas-Friendly
Comment: Shopping CHRISTmas friendly stores is very important to me. I do not believe that CHRISTmas advertising should begin until after Thanksgiving. The day to celebrate the birth of Jesus has become far more too materialistic, and seems to become that way more each. year. Loacally the CHRISTmas decorations, songs, etc. began before holloween. Absurd and disgusting. Thank God for Focus on the Family and all you do. God Bless each and everyone at Focus. Myrna

Translation: Retailers MUST invoke the name of Christ in their marketing! But Goddamn it, don't you invoke his name before Thanksgiving. God hates it when you make too big a fuss over his birthday. It makes him feel all self-conscious and reminds him that he's another year older, and who likes that? In summary, I want to see CHRISTMAS plastered all over every store in the mall, but boy is it a shame how Christmas has gotten so commercialized!

Comment Date: Dec 1 2009 4:13 PM
Rating: Christmas-Offensive
Comment: I just watched the commercial for GAP, I was truly repulsed when they mentioned that we should liberate and how they put Christmas next to solstice. Pretty much what they said was we need to break free and do what we feel is right which goes against everything for this Christmas season. Please go to youtube and watch the commercial if you haven't already seen it. I will NEVER step foot into one of their stores or any store affiliated with them. They have completely lost my business and my families too.

(note: how many families do you have? And how did they all get lost?)

Translation: Christmas is about strict conformity! Liberation is the enemy! War is Peace! Freedom is Slavery!

Comment Date: Dec 1 2009 3:46 PM
Rating: Christmas-Offensive
Comment: Very offended by the recent advertisement. How dare they suggest we celebrate what we want? This is a Christian nation.

Translation: You will celebrate what you are told to celebrate, and goddamn it you will do it with a smile!

Comment Date: Dec 1 2009 12:29 PM
Rating: Christmas-Offensive
Comment: I will never buy anything with their name on it or wear it. They are truly offensive in their year round marketing that is corrupting our youth with the lack of modesty they sell.
(note: this comment refers to The GAP)

Translation: Why don't these perverts sell burkas? I mean seriously, just look at these whorish outfits: http://www.gap.com/browse/category.do?cid=34785
When I was a young lady, we wore nun's habits until our wedding night and that's the way we liked it!

Comment Date: Nov 30 2009 11:57 AM
Rating: Christmas-Offensive
Comment: Happy Solstice? Since when is Wicca an equal of christianity or judaism?

Translation: How can you compare some Stone-Age Celtic mythology to our glorious Bronze-Age Israeli mythology?

Comment Date: Nov 30 2009 4:03 PM
Rating: Christmas-Friendly
Comment: I was very pleased to find 2 tables of Christmas books displayed. I would like to see this closer to the front door but at least there were the tables set aside. Thank you.

Translation: No matter what you do, I'm going to find some way to feel slighted.

Comment Date: Nov 29 2009 8:11 PM
Rating: Christmas-Negligent
Comment: When I paid for my Christmas shopping, I said, "Thank you and have a Merry Christmas!" To which the cashier simply said you too.

Translation: No matter what you do, I'm going to find some way to feel slighted.

Comment Date: Nov 25 2009 12:41 PM
Rating: Christmas-Offensive
Comment: They sure do have a lot of titles with "Christmas" in them, but they are accompanied by cursing or other inappropriate words. Absent in the store in totality is any mention of Christmas. Lots of "Christmas alternative" holiday items also. Ugh.

Translation: They have lots of christmas stuff, but no Christmas stuff! Also, the Christmas stuff which they do have (yet also don't have) all have 4-letter words in the titles. "How the Fucking Grinch Stole Christmas," "Rudolph the red-dicked reindeer," "A Child's Christmas in that shit-hole Wales." etc. Also, they have Jewey Channukkah crap, which disgusts me.

Comment Date: Dec 1 2009 8:48 AM
Rating: Christmas-Friendly
Comment: Thank you, Home Depot for the big Merry Christmas greeting painted across your front entrance windows. We as Christians are only sharing our dollars at stores where the corporate executives recognize Christ as the reason for the holiday. Thank you again and may God continue to bless your business and your employees.

Translation: I have no idea that the founders of Home Depot, Bernie Marcus and Arthur Blank, are both Jewish.

Comment Date: Dec 1 2009 6:49 AM
Rating: Christmas-Friendly
Comment: had heard chrismas carols while shopping in the store

Translation: I don't know how to spell Christmas, nor do I realize that "Christmas" is a proper noun and, as such, should be capitalized.

Comment Date: Nov 30 2009 5:58 AM
Rating: Christmas-Friendly
Comment: I love the bags "make Christmas count." The Christmas advertising made me want to buy more at K-mart just because they aren't afraid to call it what it is! Great job K-mart!

Translation: I don't realize that I'm being played. I will give K-Mart even more of my money as long as they continue to manipulate my religious convictions!

Comment Date: Nov 29 2009 12:19 AM
Rating: Christmas-Friendly
Comment: The K-mart in Fairfield, Calif. has been playing Christmas Music, with the words of Christmas and even Glory in the Highest by Michael W. Smith. I hope that K-mart would tell those who would complain to go shop somewhere else or offer them earplugs,so those of us who truly treasure our Christmas are not deprived.

Translation: Fuck everyone else. These are the songs I like, and you can like it or lump it.

(note: No one complains about music being too Christmassey. And when people like this complain about things being less than sufficiently Christian/Christmassey, I would love it if someone offered them earplugs or invited them to pound sand.)

Comment Date: Nov 28 2009 11:39 PM
Rating: Christmas-Friendly
Comment: Love the Christmas carols celebrating the reason for our celebration as well as "Christmas" used throughout the store as well as employees who are friendly, attentive and not afraid to wish me "Merry Christmas". I tell EVERYONE to shop here! (K-Mart)

Translation: Friendly and attentive employees? I don't know where I was, but it sure as hell wasn't K-Mart!

Comment Date: Nov 29 2009 12:43 PM
Rating: Christmas-Negligent
Comment: 11/29 Ad: "Every Season starts at Dick's" That's all: no Holiday, no Christmas. no Dick's.

Translation: I find it hilarious that there is a store named Dick's!

Comment Date: Nov 25 2009 8:41 AM
Rating: Christmas-Negligent
Comment: Other stores are too commrcial as well. All are most interested in making money rather than the real meaning of Cristmas

Translation: I don't understand how capitalism works.
Do you mean to tell me that retail stores are in business to make money? Not to spread the Gospel? Well, I never!

Comment Date: Nov 30 2009 1:02 PM
Rating: Christmas-Friendly
Comment: I shopped at JCPenney on Black Friday after researching their use of Christmas. I was very pleased with their use of Christmas in their ads. I appreciate and am proud to shop at JCPenney!

Translation: JC Penney is still in business? Holy Crap!

Comment Date: Nov 30 2009 1:40 PM
Rating: Christmas-Friendly
Comment: As a platinum card holder, I received a gift in the mail from Dillard's wishing me a Merry Christmas. I almost fell over and I am thrilled to shop there this Christmas. I was more excited about them wishing me a Merry Christmas than the gift.

Translation: That's right, I said PLATINUM card holder! Platinum! That's better than gold! I'm so fucking awesome!

Comment Date: Dec 1 2009 7:46 AM
Rating: Christmas-Offensive
Comment: Last week, I read through a Crate and Barrel catalog to see what their stance was on Christmas. I was amazed that the catalog was chocked full of Christmas themed items with no mention of the word "Christmas". This was made more eery because they seemed to try not to use "Holiday" either. Very bizarre.

Translation: Everything frightens me!