It's CPAC time again!

Yes, it's time once again for C-Pac, the annual gathering of right-wing lunatics that's like a conservative political version of Dragon*Con if the folks at Dragon*Con didn't know that their stuff was make-believe.



And were worse at making costumes.


I've seen a few quotes coming out of the cesspool to which ideas go to die, let's look at a few:

There was this gem from Mitch McConnell -
"Conservatives were never meant to be part of the crybaby caucus.”

Seriously? Have you ever seen a bigger bunch of crybabies that today's conservatives? Waah, the evil libr'rul media is against us! Waaaah, the mean gay people are trying to steal marriage! It never stops with these sniveling babies! Down the hall, they held a panel on "liberal bullying" in which they whined about how if you support voter ID laws, they call you a racist, and if you support traditional marriage, they label you a bigot, and oh, it's just so unfair, they're making it harder to be a raging cockhole all the time!

Oh, speaking of marriage equality and raging cockholes, Senator Rob Portman has had a change of heart on the issue. (The marriage issue, not the cockhole one)

 

 



"The overriding message of love and compassion that I take from the Bible, and certainly the Golden Rule, and the fact that I believe we are all created by our maker, that has all influenced me in terms of my change on this issue," Portman said, adding that he feels that "in a way, this strengthens the institution of marriage."

Wow, well that's terrific. What exactly led to all this soul-searching? Just wake up one morning and decide that maybe you should be less of a cockhole?

No, of course not. His gay son came out. Seriously. He changed his mind once the issue affected him personally. Now that there's a gay in my family, suddenly I'm a bit reluctant to persecute the gays so much. Mighty big of you, Senator!

Don't get me wrong, this is actually a positive reaction the Senator has had. Maybe not particularly sincere, but a hell of a lot better than the Alan Keyes "get your filthy gay butt out of my hose" approach to conservative parenting.

He said his decision to announce his new stance was not motivated by its potential political impact, and he was not sure what the fallout would be.

"Although, I can read the polls," he did not add.
Marriage equality is pretty popular and getting more so all the time, so a politician with his eye on the White House, might suddenly find it expedient to come out in favor of equality TWO YEARS after his son comes out. So, can we expect Sen. Portman to lead the charge for equality in DC?

Portman, who backed the 1996 Defense of Marriage Act now under review by the U.S. Supreme Court, said he now thinks parts of that bill should be repealed, though he hasn't considered introducing such legislation himself because economic policy issues are his specialty.

Oh, right. Because economic policy. . . um. . .does that seriously make sense to you? Gosh, I would love to introduce a bill to take my son out of second-class citizen status, but golly, I don't think I have the right form for social policy legislation. I suppose I could cross out here where it says "economic" and write in "basic human decency," but I don't know, it's not really my area of expertise.

Cockhole!


Texas crackpot Louie Gohmert weighed in with this bit of historical wishful thinking:

 "Vietnam was winnable, but people in Washington decided we would not win it!"

(Artist's depiction)

Well, if by "winnable" you mean that we could potentially have turned the entire nation of Vietnam into a smoking, rubble-strewn post-apocalyptic nightmarescape a'la the Road Warrior, then sure. We probably could have done that. We probably could have killed every man, woman and child in the region then declared that region safe for democracy, so if that's what you mean, then sure!

And what would a wingnut conclave be without Donald Trump? 

I'm not even going to look up a quote from this gasbag buffoon, just look at this picture of his speech and feel slightly better about the world:



And most of those losers are probably on his payroll!



Marco Rubio said something that was probably even true:




“just because I believe states should have the right to define marriage in a traditional way does not make me a bigot.”

I believe you are right. It was probably tour upbringing that made you a bigot.

Opposing marriage equality doesn't make you a bigot. Being a bigot makes you oppose marriage equality.

Shouldn't There Be Some Sort of Basic Civics Test For Office-Holders?

Remember a while ago when Rand Paul* said something to the effect of "just because 9 guys in robes say something is constitutional doesn't mean it is?"  Because obviously a self-certified opthamologist who can't discern between a hairpiece and a dead possum is a far better judge of Constitutional law than the members of the UNITED STATES SUPREME COURT?



*I think it was Rand Paul, I'm too sick to bother researching it.

 Well, now some idiot back-bencher from Oklahoma is saying roughly the same thing.

 

Rep. Bridenstine on Obamacare: ‘Just because the Supreme Court rules on something doesn’t necessarily mean that that’s constitutional’ [VIDEO]

Well, I'm sure representative Brindenstine probably has an extensive legal background. Let's just look at his campaign website to see where his law degree is from:

Education
Jenks High School – Distinguished Graduate, Oklahoma Swimmer of the Year
Rice University - Triple Major - Economics, Psychology, Business
Cornell University - Masters of Business Administration

Oh.

Still, though, swimmer of the year! That's gotta count for something, right?

I'm sure though, that a highly educated man (no sarcasm, his college resume is darn impressive) must have some insightful legal analysis behind his claim that the Supreme Court is not the boss of him.


(via the horrible Daily Caller, no link)
Bridenstine says Obamacare “is a government takeover” and says Chief Justice John Roberts is “incorrect” on the Affordable Care Act being a tax. He says he wants “Congress to take back its constitutional authority.”
“Just because the Supreme Court rules on something doesn’t necessarily mean that that’s constitutional,” he said.

I see. So your paranoid assumption that "Obamacare" is a "government takeover" and that Roberts is a stinky dummyhead informs your decision that the Supreme Court can, in the immortal words of Abe Fortas, "suck it?"

Did I mention that I'm sick?

BRIDENSTINE: Just because the Supreme Court rules on something doesn’t necessarily mean that that’s constitutional. What that means is that that’s what they decided on that particular day given the makeup of the Court on that particular day.

Yes, I'm sure if you ask them tomorrow they'll probably be in a better mood and will rule completely differently! It's just like Judge Judy, if your case comes up before lunchtime, you damn well better mind your p's and q's, 'cuz Judge J will be cranky! After lunch, she's much more reasonable. I'm sure the Supreme Court works the same way!

Tell me again about the rabbits, George!

 

And the left in this country has done an extraordinary job of stacking the courts in their favor.

 

 

 

 

God, it's like a Weather Underground reunion!

 



 So what we have to do as a body of Congress is say, “look, just because the courts” – and I hear this all the time from Republicans – they say that the court is the arbitrator and after the arbitration is done, that’s the rules we have to live under and we can go forth and make legislation given those rules. That’s not the case.

 

 

And I know, because I've been a Congressman for like 7 weeks!

 

Seriously, when the senior members of your party take you aside and tell you "hey, rookie, the Supreme Court is the final arbiter of Constitutionality," believe them. They may be lunatics in a lot of ways, they may be unscrupulous assholes, but they've been around a while and they know how things work.

 

 

 

They aren't going to tell you how to fly a plane, don't tell them how the Constitution works.

 

I mean, somebody has to, just not you.

 

 







Lindsey Graham's Expected Primary Challenge Comes From an Unexpected Place

Well, despite his best efforts to seem all butch and tough and wingnutty as possible, Lindsey Graham knew it was inevitable that he was going to get primaried by someone more extreme/crazier. He was expecting that. He probably wasn't expecting this:

Bruce Carroll Resigns From Gay Republican Group GOProud To Explore Lindsey Graham Challenge

The Huffington Post  |  By Nick Wing Posted: 03/11/2013 1:08 pm EDT

 

Yes, Bruce Carroll, one of the leaders of the ironically-named "GOProud," the group that split off from the Log Cabin Republicans because they just weren't self-loathing enough, is going to challenge Lindsey Graham for the job of Senator. From South Carolina. Because where else would the first openly-gay Senator come from than South Carolina?

No, I said "openly"

(how much does Graham have to hate himself to do this photo-op?)

He made his announcement on a website called "The Gay Patriot" or "Gaytriot" for short.






Here, in my opinion, is the highlight:

In the spirit of transparency and honesty, I informed my fellow GOProud board members that I could not dedicate the time to the organization while I seriously considered the effort it will take to challenge Senator Graham in the 2014 Primary.

Because you can't expect the man to hold down a full-time job AND consider something at the same time! Not if you want him to "seriously consider" it. Hmm, I wonder if he'll still be drawing a salary while he considers how best to rake in those sweet, sweet, untraceable campaign contributions?

Oh, and this was good, too:

I felt it best to resign from GOProud in advance of the CPAC conference this week so that my position in GOProud would not be a distraction from my serious deliberations regarding my potential future plans in South Carolina public service.

Because GOProud has very conspicuously NOT been invited to CPAC? Because if there's one thing the Republican base hates more than Lindsey Graham's occasional flirtations with sanity, it's gay people? So maybe if you resign from GOProud, they might not notice that you're actually a gay person yourself and might consider voting for you? The CPAC base doesn't even want you in the building. lest your gay cooties infect their perfectly hetero wieners.

According to NBC:

GOProud, a Republican gay-rights group, is still not officially invited to attend CPAC, next week's conservative conference in the D.C. area -- but it will be on site.

Jimmy LaSalvia, GOProud's co-founder and executive director, will be participating in a panel happening at the same time as CPAC, in the same building as CPAC. . . LaSalvia is excited to participate, and says his understanding is that CPAC is unhappy with the additions.

They hate you, Bruce. Almost as much as you apparently hate yourself. There aren't enough self-loathing closet queens in the state of South Carolina who feel strongly enough about fiscal conservatism or whatever to risk being seen as someone who might consider voting for you. You have no chance. But please, don't let reality dissuade you from running. I need the material.

Good Job, Women!

In honor of International Womens' Day:

By All Means, Let's Investigate!

Death of lion lover spurs state, federal scrutiny

DUNLAP, Calif. (AP) — A 24-year-old intern who was described by her father as a "fearless" lover of big cats ventured into a lion enclosure at a privately owned zoo and was mauled to death, prompting investigations by several government agencies that want to know how the accident happened.

Yes, let's launch an investigation into how it was that someone who "ventured into a lion enclosure" ended up getting mauled by lions.



Yep, that's a real head-scratcher!
Also, it doesn't really sound like an "accident." I don't think the young lady "accidentally" wandered into the lion pen, and I doubt that the lion "accidentally" mauled her.

 

Oops!

 

Dianna Hanson, whose Facebook page is plastered with photos of her petting tigers and other big cats, was frustrated that the exotic cat zoo in California where she had worked since January did not allow direct contact with animals, her father told The Associated Press.

"She was disappointed because she said they wouldn't let her into the cages with the lion and tiger there,"

Dang it, why won't they let me go into the lion cage. . . oh, now I get it!


Whether Hanson ignored orders or was performing a function that placed her in danger is being investigated by Cal-OSHA, which also is trying to determine if employees were properly instructed about potential danger, as required.
"There should have been procedures that very clearly stated what the employees were required to do in order to not get killed," said agency spokesman Peter Melton

 

I know, I know! Stay out of the fucking lion enclosure?

 

 

Look, I'm actually a big fan of OSHA. I think workplace safety requirements are absolutely necessary and proper, but come on! All you really should need is a sign reading "here there be lions," and anyone who's not a lunatic will know to stay out. I think we can let this one go and just chalk it up to thinning the herd. Literally.