Oh, dear Gawd!

Please, please, pleeeeeease let this be a bad Photoshop!

Controversy over new skinny pill -- Is it too strong for store shelves?...

Garcinia Cambogia Plus

Because otherwise, yes this pill should not be on store shelves. It should be on the Island of Dr Moreau .



No human torso looks like that!

News that sounds like the Onion but isn't

Fuckin' Texas, man!

State Reps. Dwayne Bohac and Richard Raymond Hold Press Conference to Raise Awareness for Texas’ Merry Christmas Law

Posted: December, 8, 2014

Really? A "Merry Christmas" Law?

What the hell is a "Merry Christmas" Law?

 AUSTIN, TX – Today, State Representatives Dwayne Bohac (R-Houston) and Richard Raymond (D-Laredo) hosted a press conference at the Texas Capitol to raise awareness for the State’s Merry Christmas Law (HB 308), passed in 2013, that allows parents, teachers, students and school administrators to celebrate the traditional winter holidays of Christmas and Hanukkah in public schools without fear of censorship, litigation or persecution.

Oh, fer the love of. . . well, you know.

Oh, yes. The persecution. Yes, it must be terrible. It must be so difficult to be a Christian in TEXAS! 

You know, what with all the, um. . . are there Muslims there? Probably. I know there's at least one Jewish guy.

“Our school officials and teachers have enough on their plate without having to worry about frivolous lawsuits for merely acknowledging Christmas (a Federal holiday since 1870) or Hanukkah in our public schools,” said Rep. Bohac.

When has a teacher ever been sued for acknowledging Christmas or Hanukkah?  Has that ever happened? Is this really something you needed a law for?

“We are here today to remind everyone that this law offers protection for and guidance to school officials and teachers by codifying Supreme Court precedent, thus providing ‘bright lines’.  This bill is ultimately about bringing ‘fun, joy and magic’ back into our schools during the Holiday Season.”

Oh my God, you said "Holiday!!!!" You called it the "Holiday Season!!!"  How dare you, you heathen? Jeezus, no wonder we need a Merry Christmas law!

House Bill 308, the "Merry Christmas Law," authorizes a school district to educate students about the history of traditional winter celebrations and allows students and staff to offer traditional greetings regarding these celebrations, including "Merry Christmas," "Happy Hanukkah," and "happy holidays."

All of which are already allowed and not in any danger of being not allowed, so what's the point of this law?

   The law affords students, parents and educators the right and opportunity to celebrate on school property with displays associated with those holidays, including Menorahs, Christmas trees and Nativity scenes. 

 

Now it makes sense. You just want to be able to put religious symbols in public schools. Because you love the Constitution soooo much! I mean, you do know this won't actually pass Constitutional muster, right? I mean, putting a Nativity scene in a public school is clearly using a government facility to promote a particular religion. There's really no way around that.

It does, however,  prohibit such a display from including a message that encourages adherence to a particular religious belief.

 

Ohhh, you  found a loophole!

You can put up a Nativity scene, a display honoring the most treasured story in the Christian canon, a display featuring the Christ himself, but as long as you don't put a "pro-Christianity" message on it, you're in the clear!

 

 “This bill originated when I picked up my first grade son from school last year and asked him how his day went. He told me that his class had decorated their holiday tree with holiday ornaments. When I asked what a holiday tree was, he told me it was the same as a Christmas tree. After inquiring with school officials as to why the term ‘Holiday Tree’ was being used, it became apparent that the school was fearful of litigation.” ~ Texas State Representative Dwayne Bohac

Um. . . aren't you going to at least pretend that the kid was somehow traumatized by this? "Cuz it sounds like the kid was fine with calling it a "holiday tree." Seems like he probably had fun putting ornaments on the tree. The only one with a problem was you. I mean, this is your story, why are you the asshole in your own story? Why cast yourself as the blue-nosed busybody who, after hearing about the fun day his kid had, contacts the school board to complain about their terminology? Everyone hates people like that, people who have a pathological need to find some tiny thing at which they can feign offense in every situation. Why in your own story are you the guy who spoils everyone else's fun?

You didn't like the word "holiday" so you decided you needed a fucking law?

You should check out the "Merry Christmas Bill" website. http://www.merrychristmasbill.com/ for stomach-turning heart-warming dreck like this:

“Daddy, why do we have a Christmas tree at home and a Holiday tree at school?”

Awww, look at that adorably cloying little moppet. How could a father possibly come up with an answer to such a heartbreaking question? Except for, maybe. . .oh, I don't know, maybe "because, sweetie, not everyone celebrates Christmas. Some people celebrate other holidays and it's not nice to make them feel left out." It took me like five entire seconds to come up with that and I'm not even a father, so I have no experience addressing these difficult issues with a child.

But the best part is the "Tales of Christmas Past" where readers of the site send in their harrowing stories of being told "Happy Holidays" or whatever with all the classic teabagger spelling and punctuation you'd expect to see from Texans who think Christians are being persecuted.

“YES, KEEP Christmas in our schools! I still remember being an angel in my first grade Christmas Pageant... which was a PUBLIC school. KEEP America, American—with the values of our Founding Fathers in tact.”

Deany M.
Houston, Texas

Yes, let's keep them "in tact."

Oyyyyyy. . .

Bad Ads - Bud Light

Where to begin?

First of all, I'm not sure that you really want your tag line to be that if you're holding a Bud Light you're obviously "up for whatever." Like, obviously this guy has no standards, no concern for his safety. . . he'll obviously try anything once if he'll drink this swill!


Secondly, Jimmy  Johnson is creepy as hell, especially since he did those ads for penis-enlargement pills



which I assume are a total fraud, or otherwise the men of America would all be walking around tripping over their wieners all day. And for a man as rich as Kimmy Johnson, former college and NFL coach, current television broadcaster, to sign on to a cheap con like this is shameful. Bad enough to do ads for a legitimate product, but do you really need to scrounge up a few more bucks taking advantage of gullible insecure saps?

Anyway. . .

The black  guy sitting with "Sean" is also holding a Bud Light, so he should also be "up for whatever," but as soon as Johnson walks in, the black guy immediately gets up like "this guy's obviously here to meet you, Sean" and gives up his seat so Johnson and "Sean" can play football. Like it never occurs to anyone, not even the black guy, that the black guy might enjoy a game of electric football with a gross, creepy former NFL coach. No, he just wordlessly stands up and gets out of the way so that his white friend can get the celebrity treatment.

Also, there is a woman in a 49ers shirt who is all excited to see Jimmy Johnson. 49er fans HAAAAAAATE Jimmy Johnson. Hate him! 49er fans hate Jimmy Johnson the way Republicans hate Obama. Deeply,  viscerally, irrationally hate him. There is no way this woman is cheering the appearance of Jimmy Johnson.

Also, too, no one has ever enjoyed electric football. I wanted one of those games so bad when I was a kid, and I found one at a garage sale, and it was even the 49ers against someone. I was so excited. then I took it home and plugged it in, and immediately realized I'd been ripped off. The players just sort of vibrate around aimlessly, occasionally falling down.  There's no real way to run any actual plays or have any kind of defensive strategy or really do much of anything other than watch the little players buzz around pointlessly until the one who has the tiny ball falls over or happens to stumble across the goal line. No one has ever found this stupid game fun.

But then again, no one has ever enjoyed Bud Light, either.

Come on, it's Lovely Weather. . .

. . . For a Slave-Ride Together With You.

I'm very sorry.

Troublesome Christmas Song Lyrics - Vol III

In what is becoming a holiday quasi-tradition (here and here ) The Daily Irritant once again presents Questionable Christmas Songs:

Santa Claus is Coming to Town

Why does the song begin with this?

You better watch out
You better not cry
Better not pout
I'm telling you why
Santa Claus is coming to town

So basically you're saying that in order to keep Santa happy you must not express any emotion?  Okay, I get pouting as a behavioral issue, maybe, but crying? Why is a healthy expression of sadness or frustration or pain be considered the kind of wrongdoing that would result in one being placed on Santa's naughty list?  That can't be a healthy lesson to teach a child. Santa knows if you've been bad or good, so you better keep a smile plastered on your face no matter how you feel!





Which reminds me of another popular Christmas song

Away in a Manger

The cattle are lowing, the baby awakes,
But little Lord Jesus no crying he makes.


 Why? Why wouldn't Baby Jesus cry? He's a newborn infant, if he doesn't cry, something's wrong. Why do we associate a lack of crying with goodness? We all do it. When someone has a baby that doesn't cry much, we say "oh, he's such a good boy!" But we can't even assume that because the Baby Jesus is the holy, sinless son of God, that somehow means he wouldn't cry, because:

Luke 19:41
As he approached Jerusalem and saw the city, he wept over it


John 11:35
35Jesus wept. 36So the Jews were saying, "See how He loved him!"…


So, if we know that adult Jesus cried, why would we assume that the baby Jesus didn't?

I don't know. But there is apparently something about Christmas that makes people want to suppress any negative emotions.