Monday, August 17, 2015

Bad Ads -- Food Sex

It's becoming a disturbing trend.

Carl's JR/Hardee's has been doing it for years.






Trying to make the eating of a hamburger into an act of unbridled eroticism. Which must be working, because they've been doing this for years. I have to imagine that a lot of teenage boys are getting very disappointed when they bite into a burger and find it to be nearly entirely unlike sex with Kate Upton. ( I assume.)

And the green M&M has been around for a while.




But it seems to be getting worse.

Recently, Payday candy bars started running ads implying that their peanutty treats have genitalia.




And that they want to engage in some mutual exhibitionism with you.




Then there's this Klondike Ice Cream Kandy Bar ad which. . . well, see for yourself.






I don NOT want to think about the food I'm about to eat having sex with other food. How is that not creepy? And you're eating their baby? The Klondike guy and the candy bar lady get it on and then she gets pregnant, delivers a half-ice cream / half chocolate bar baby and you eat that?

Then there's this:




They're just coming right out and saying that a chicken fucked a box of french-fries and the abomination of "chicken fries" is the unnatural, ungodly bastard offspring of this coupling. And you should eat it.
Well, no thank you.
I don't want to think about the chicken I'm eating maybe having had sex with another chicken, let alone the level of depravity with which this hen hath debased herself. - conceiving the spawn of, not just another species, but a different classification of nature, a plant which is, by the way DEAD! It's been chopped up and fried. And she has lain down with this tuberous corpse and produced its ungodly spawn? She should be burned at the stake! Or at least on a rotisserie, maybe with a nice garlic and sage rub, after being brined overnight? Mmmmmmmm. . .

Wednesday, August 12, 2015

A few Thoughts



So I heard the audio of the Republican debate (the big-boy debate, not the junior varsity debate).  The Majority Report did a sort of Mystery Science Theater thing with the livestream on the podcast which made it bearable.

 So. . . couple things.
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First off, sorry Republican Party, but the only one on that stage who made any impression at all was the buffoon Donald Trump. It's honestly hard to remember anything any of the other candidates said.

And speaking of Trump, this thing with him and Megyn Kelly is kinda odd. First of all, Megyn Kelly took him to task over his sexism, which is good, someone should. But a few minutes later, she was busting chops on some of the other candidates for not being sufficiently anti-choice. So it's unacceptable to say bad things about women but perfectly laudable to actually legislate against them?



And then Trump gets dis-invited from the Erick Erickson ass-jamboree because his comments about Kelly were just beyond the pale. And they were, no doubt. But Erick Erickson is the man who called a justice of the Supreme Court a "goat-fucking child molester," and he gets to pretend to be offended by Trump's comments?

Oh, and by the way, congratulations Republicans. This is your party. All your top presidential candidates flocking to Georgia to kiss the ring jammed onto the porcine hoof of a man who coined the slur "Abortion Barbie" to describe Wendy Davis. And also called a Justice of the Supreme Court a "goat-fucking child molester." You must be so proud.

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Also, it's amazing how glib Trump is about his role in government corruption. He proudly boasts about how he gives money to all kinds of politicians because when he needs something from them, they're there to help him. And when he talks about giving money to candidates in order to buy favors from them, I heard a few of the other candidates say "well, I hope you'll give to me!" as if he wasn't talking about legalized bribery. And then he says that this shows that the system is broken. Well, truer words were never spoken, but how is it that you can just stand up there and say "I'm a big participant in this corruption, vote for me and I'll put an end to it.?"

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And of course, they all agree that the "system is broken," but none of them have a single word to say about what they would do to fix it, besides cutting taxes and regulations. Not a single mention of Citizens United. No one says the words "campaign finance reform," but they all pretend like they're just soooo disappointed with how the "system" is "broken" The system that has allowed most of these guys to hold political office at one time or another.

And it's the same thing with "Obamacare." Everyone says that we must "repeal and replace" it, but not a single word about what they would replace it with. Except from Trump, who surprisingly admits that single-payer works well in Canada and Scotland and then bizarrely claims that it would have worked well here several years ago, but not now. (???) And then says he prefers a "market-based system" which is pretty much another name for Obamacare.


Ben Carson gets the award for most bizarre suggestion of the day, as expected. He proposed a flat tax, which is nothing new, but his flat tax would be 10% across the board BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT GOD REQUIRED FROM THE ISREALITES IN THE OLD TESTAMENT!


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And it doesn't seem to occur to him that God doesn't have an army to run, or schools to fund, or roads to build, or really He has pretty much no overhead at all, which is why the ancient Isrealutes could take their tithe and burn it on the altar because God doesn't actually need any money whereas governing a nation is fucking expensive. And no one laughed at him. No one said that there's no fucking way that you can run a modern superpower on a 10% flat tax and the Bible is not an economics textbook and the Bible doesn't even claim that the tithe was keeping the Kingdom of Israel in the black because the King was definitely collecting taxes from his subjects, and slaughtering a calf in the Temple ain't going to keep Solomon's 700 wives in gemstones and fancy underpants.

John Kasich says he attended a gay wedding. Wow, that must have been awkward! He is on the record opposing marriage equality, but says basically that he has to accept that the Supreme Court has made it legal, and oh, congratulations Jim and Bob! I'm thinking both grooms or both brides were having a long "I thought you invited him. Me, why would I invite that dick?" kind of conversation.

At the end, they actually asked each candidate whether God had spoken to them to tell them what to do as President. As if this were a legitimate question to ask people. Unless maybe it was meant to weed out the schizophrenics? Anyway, after a couple candidates answered, someone must have been screaming "abort, abort!" in Megyn Kelly's earpiece because she suddenly made up a phantom audience member who wanted to ask about veterans. I'm sure any veterans in the audience must have been honored to have been included as an afterthought.


Tuesday, August 11, 2015

Two Headlines


Headline #1:

Scott Walker cuts $250 million from public universities

Scott Walker cuts $250 million from public universities
 Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker’s recently signed a state budget that included $250 million in cuts to the state’s university system


Headline #2:

Scott Walker Plans to Approve NBA Arena With $250 Million in Taxpayer Money







Funny how no one brought this up at the debate.





Friday, August 7, 2015

Flashback Friday -- J Church



J Church was a Sna Francisco band started in the early 1990's. The name comes from the J-line streetcar that runs down Church street, right past the house we lived in when we lived in SF. Oddly, despite seeing their name in the "alternative weekly" papers a lot, I never actually heard them until I stumbled on to their "Nostalgic for Nothing / Singles Going Shitty" cd in a record shop in Seattle. Anyway, J Church did some of the best garage/indie rock songs of the 1990's and somehow never got on the radio or had any commercial success, even during the flood of post-Nirvava soft/loud/soft bands, most of whom could only dream of frontman Lance Hahn's songwriting chops.

Tragically, Lance Hahn died in 2007 at the age of 40 from kidney failure. This world didn't deserve him.




















In case you were wondering. . .





Republican Presidential Debate Taking Place In Gun-Free Zone


Yep. The Republicans managed to hold their debate in one of this country's dreaded "gun-free zones."


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Somehow, they all managed to survive the evening despite the lack of good guys with guns to protect them. And, honestly, I don't even think they seemed scared, even though, as we all know, a gun-free zone is basically just an invitation to any would-be mass-murderer to come and find easy targets. 

But they courageously threw caution to the wind and with heroic disregard for their own safety would not let anyone bring guns in to the place they were going to be.

Oh, you know where else you can't bring a loaded gun? 
NRA conventions.

So, yeah. In case anyone was still wondering, the answer is yes. Yes, they do know exactly how full of shit they are about guns. They know and they don't care. They don't want their followers being armed anywhere in the vicinity of where they are, but they have no problem with the rest of us having to hope their isn't an angry inbred with a small penis toting a goddamm machine gun when we walk into Target.