Presidential Candidates as Simpsons Characters

Hilary Rodham Clinton





Dr. Ben Carson




JEB! Bush




Bobby Jindal



Rand Paul




Chris Christie

 

 Mike Huckabee



Lindsey Graham



Marco Rubio




Ted Cruz



Carly "Fire 'em All" Fiorina



Donald Trump

The candidates speak

First up, Marco Rubio who's already sick of being in the Senate. (Think how sick the rest of us are of you being in the Senate, Marco.)

“I don’t know that ‘hate’ is the right word,” Rubio said in an interview. “I’m frustrated.”

I know.It's frustrating when you don't get to just destroy everything you don't like and bring the country down around your ears in a smoking pile of rubble. But there are still a few grownups left who won't let you. And that is just so unfair!

“That’s why I’m missing votes. Because I am leaving the Senate. I am not running for reelection,” Rubio said in the last Republican debate

Right, because that's totally how it works. Once you've put in your two weeks' notice, you don't have to do any work anymore. Of course you still get to collect your paycheck, but you can show up when you feel like it until you're ready to leave. We the taxpayers are happy to keep paying your salary while you dick around doing whatever you want, pretending you have a chance to be President. Wait a minute. . . Sarah Palin? Is that you?



Then there was JEB! Bush.

JEB BUSH: If this election is about how we're going to fight to get nothing done,

It is. On your side of the aisle it is.

. . . then I don't want to have any part of it. I don't want to be elected president 

Don't worry. 

. . . to just sit around and see gridlock become so dominant that people are literally in decline in their lives.

Oh, right. Gridlock. Would sure hate to see any of that.

That is not my motivation. I got a lot of really cool things I could do other than sit around and be miserable, listening to people demonize me and feeling compelled to demonize me. 

No you don't. You have zero cool things to do.

That is a joke. Elect Trump if you want that.

But of course nobody is going to out-crazy Ben Carson:

"As a teenager, I would go after people with rocks, and bricks, and baseball bats, and hammers. And, of course, many people know the story when I was 14 and I tried to stab someone," Carson said Sunday on NBC's "Meet the Press." 

Holy shit!

I mean, I thought it was bad when he said he used to throw rocks at cars.
And, you know, it would be one thing if he had said "i used to throw rocks at cars. I was an angry young kid, I had some real behavioral problems, but now of course I can see how wrong that was." Bu, no. He says "I used to throw rocks at cars. You know, like everyone does when they're a kid." Like it's perfectly acceptable to a) damage other people's property, and b) risk causing an accident that could potentially injure or even kill someone.

But this is way worse. Rocks, bricks, bats and hammers? If you're going after someone with a bat or a hammer, you're either in the mafia or you're a psychopath and either way, that's not very presidential.

That's when Carson mentioned his violent childhood growing up in Detroit, Michigan. He'd also detailed his youth in his book "Gifted Hands," writing about nearly stabbing a friend during an argument before beginning to read the Book of Proverbs and applying its lessons. 

Proverbs? Proverbs? What verses from the book of Proverbs convinced you to stop trying to murder people?

 What words of wisdom from King Solomon inspired you to not beat people with hammers or stab them during petty arguments? Because most of us kinda know that instinctually.

Scary Halloween Post

At first I thought about doing a "what did I miss while I was away?" kind of post. Then I saw how much crazy shit I missed and figured there's no way I have that kind of time.

So, instead, here is a Scaaaaaary Halloween post:

Saw a link to this on MPS:

3 More Sure Signs Witchcraft Is Attacking You

9:00AM EDT 10/17/2015 

 Jennifer LeClaire

Well, dang! I sure would want to know what to watch out for. What are the signs that you are under attack from an imaginary thing that would be scary if it existed?

Earlier this month, I went through a massive witchcraft attack. My mind was clouded. My eyes were burning. My body was worn out. People were attacking me with unfounded accusations. I had a low-grade headache that lasted for days.

Oh dear God!
Imagine being this lady. Imagine every time you get a fucking headache, you're convinced that you're under attack from fucking witches!

And not for nothing, witches, but you need to seriously step up your game. In my day, if a witch wanted to attack you, she turned you into a newt! No a "low-grade headache" amd feeling tired is considered a "massive attack?" Honestly, if you have a headache, you feel run down and people are accusing you of things you don't remember doing, that usually just means you tied one on last night. 
Or witchcraft. Could also be witchcraft, definitely.

But seriously, what kind of pathetic witch is this? Someone goes to the trouble of being in league with Satan, sells her soul and whatnot, then casts this weak-ass spell? 
How did that incantation go?

Oh forces of darkness, demons of the nether realm, I summon thee and command thee to do my bidding! Jennifer LeClaire has angered me andc I call down a curse upon her. She shall have a, um. . . a low grade headache! And feel really tired. And , um, I guess sort of cloudy headed? Yes, cloudy-headed! Bwahahahahahaha!!!

And the demon is all like:
Um, listen witchie? I don't want to tell you how to do your thing here, but would you rather I just killed her maybe?

Ha! Killing is too good for her! I will not show her that mercy! Ahahahahaha!!

Well, how about If she was stricken with madness? Like we did to that guy in the Old Testament? Have her live out her days with the beasts of the field? No? Maybe a horrible disease? Horrifyong disfigurement?

No, headache and befuddlement it is! And maybe have people accuse her of stuff? That's pretty upsetting right?


So anyway. . .

She was attacked by witchcraft. That's pretty scary, right? oooooohhhhh scary!

So what happened?

I've literally written a book on witchcraft and I did everything I knew to do. In the end, all I could do was stand.

Stand? You stood? And that didn't work? How could that not work? Dang, you better call in a priest or something if standing didn't work!

I recently heard that the late prophet Bob Jones once said that weeping breaks witchcraft. That's something I intend to study,

Study? What study? Just weep! How hard is that? I mean, granted it takes a bit more effort than standing, but what have you got to lose at this point? Someone says to you "hey, weeping breaks witchcraft" and you're all like "I don't knowwww. . . Gonna have to do a little research on that before I try anything that radical. You know, set up a control group, double-blind study and all that.I really want the cold hard scientific facts about how to deal with witchcraft!"

As I said in last week's column—"5 Clear Signs Witchcraft Is Attacking You Right Now"—I believe witchcraft is one of the powers in the hierarchy of demons Paul listed in Ephesians 6:12

Yeah, I wasn't familiar with that verse, either, so I Googled it. Here it is in its entirety:

12For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the powers, against the world forces of this darkness, against the spiritual forces of wickedness in the heavenly places.

That's it. No hierarchy, no list. Just a vague reference to "forces of wickedness." So now I'm starting to think this lady may not be all that reliable.

Witchcraft attacks often start with imaginations. 

Yeah. No fucking kidding! Also vampire attacks and bigfoot attacks and dragon attacks. They all come from imaginationland. 
Um, that is, Spooooooky imagination land! Oooooooohhhhh! Veddy Scarey!

Witchcraft plants seeds of deception through imaginations. These voices tell you things like "What's the use?", "Nothing will ever change," "I can't do anything right," and "I don't feel like going to church. I want to be alone." 

So, you have low-grade chronic depression and you want to sleep in on Sunday? Eek! Scary witches!


With that said, here are three more signs you are under a witchcraft attack right now.

Right Now!
You could be under attack by witchcraft right now! 
Without even knowing it!
How scary is that, right?

1. Angry and frustrated. When witchcraft attacks, you may feel angry and frustrated. You feel like people and things are standing in your way. You may get mad at yourself, mad at the devil or even mad at God. You're sick and tired of your circumstances, but what you don't realize is that the enemy is magnifying your circumstances with distorted mirrors and smoke that clouds reality. When this happens, just keep acknowledging the Lord. He will make your paths straight (Prov. 3:6).

Wait, so I'm not angry and frustrated because my co-workers are dolts, I can't lose these last 10 pounds and I'm a 49er fan?  It's because of witchcraft? Dang, I better start weeping!
Wait a minute. I weep whenever I watch a 49ers game or step on the scale, and yet, still with the witchcraft? Unfair!

 2. Sickness, aches and pains. I've told you before that when witchcraft attacks me, my eyes burn. Sometimes my chest gets tight and I get dizzy. One of my intercessors gets terrible back pain when witchcraft manifests in her life.

Jeezus, go to a doctor!

Wait, that's not scary. An exorcist! Go to an exorcist!

Sickness is not from God. We have authority over it, but many times we like to grumble and complain and confess how bad off we are, which only strengthens the enemy's grip on us. The devil brings what Jonah 2:8 calls "lying vanities" against you to make you think something is wrong so you'll confess it out of your mouth and open the door for it to settle.

So, nothing is wrong. But witches make you think something is wrong. So then you say something is wrong and that causes something to actually be wrong? Have I got that straight?

 3. Just plain worn out. If you've slept eight hours, had a tall cup of coffee and you still feel like you've been run over by a truck, witchcraft could be attacking you. This is one of the ways witchcraft comes after me. I've learned not to give in by laying down for a nap that turns into four or five hours of witchcraft-induced sleep. If you are eating well, sleeping well, exercising well and living well—and if you are generally healthy—you shouldn't feel like you're walking through quicksand. This could be a witchcraft attack.

Or a health problem. Maybe sleep apnea? Or iron deficiency? Or hypothyroid? Sure, you could go to a doctor and find out, but he's just going to tell you it's witchcraft and writ you a prescription for weeping and standing.


Can you imagine being one of these people? Every little ache or pain you feel is part of some supernatural struggle between forces of good and evil. I swear, left to their own devices these people are about six months away from throwing virgins into volcanoes.


So, to sum up:

Witches are after you. They could attack at any time and you might not even realize it because their dark powers sare apparently limited to causing headaches and maybe some flu-like symptoms? So, you know, scarrrrry! Bwoohahaha. . .Pleasant dreams, my little readers. You may want to keep the lights on tonight!




P.S. My piece of junk computer is still being worked on. I'm using the Missus's work computer, so posting may not be able to be an every-day thing for a while. Also, to avoid contracting more viruses, no cutting and pasting of pictures, so you'll just have to imaging Count Floyd every time you read the word "scaaaaary!"

Computer trouble

I'm posting this from the Microsoft Store in Perimiter Mall. Hopefully will be back to regular posting in a day or two.

Another week away

We're having to go to Oregon for a funeral. Blogging should resume next week