Customer with concealed carry permit fatally shoots ax-wielding attacker at 7-Eleven
Not because the guy shot the axe attacker, that seems like a good thing. But now everyone's gun-nut relatives are going to be posting this story on Facebook and Twitter and everywhere else and saying "Seeeee? I told you. Good guy with a gun!"
And of course, they will completely disregard the deluge of headlines like
Gun-promoting mother shot in the back by toddler with .45
Apison toddler accidentally shot himself in the head, authorities say
Grocery store employee accidentally shot by manager
NYC Police Officer Shot by Friendly Fire During Drug Arrest
Gun ownership is a bit like seatbelt use. Everybody knows someone who knows someone whose life was supposedly saved when he was "thrown clear" because he wasn't wearing a seatbelt, or someone who was trapped in a burning car because his seatbelt jammed. And those stories may be true. But 9 times out of 10, seatbelts save lives. And, yes, occasionally a "good guy with a gun" shoots a dangerous criminal and saves the day. But way, way more often, it ends up like this:
California Toddler Critically Injured After Police Say She Shot Herself
But all we're going to hear about is this ersatz John McClaneand how everyone would be so much safer if we all had guns and blah, blah, blah. . .
In a desperate attempt to remain pseudo-relevant, Dr. Ben Carson has thrown his not-at-all-significant support behind the guy who was already going to win anyway, tiny-fingered egomonster Donald Trump.
They're Yoooge!
Palm Beach, Florida (CNN)Ben
Carson threw his support behind Donald Trump Friday morning, saying the
two men had "buried the hatchet" and praising the Republican Party's
front-runner as a "the voice of the people to be heard."
Jeezus Christ, can't he say anything normal? You can just say "the voice of the people." I mean, sure, it's ridiculous and stupid, but at least it sounds like something a normal person might say. (just not about Trump) But "the voice of the people to be heard?" What the hell even is that?
He explained that there were "two Donald
Trumps" -- one that the public sees, and another more reserved and
"cerebral" man who "sits there and considers things very carefully."
"Some
people have gotten the impression that Donald Trump is this person who
is not malleable, who does not have the ability to listen, and to take
information in and make wise decisions. And that's not true," Carson
said. "He's much more cerebral than that."
Okay, see, that makes it even worse. You're saying that Trump actually knows better. Like he knows perfectly well that most Mexicans are not rapists, most Muslims don't hate America, and that whether or not Megan Kelly was on her period has no bearing on how she does her job, he's just ginning up hatred and anger to attract the worst element of American society into his camp, consequences be damned. Which is probably at least partly true. Trump can't possibly be as stupid as he seems to be. But you pointing that out isn't really helpful to him.
The reporter asked, “You said throughout your life God has led you to
your most important decisions. This truly is an important decision. Did
God lead you to Donald Trump?”
Woah, hey! I had NOTHING to do with this!
This truly is an important decision. Or it would be if your endorsement meant anything. You know, like if there were people who give a shit what a crazy somnambulist retired doctor thinks about the political landscape. Is what the reporter meant to say, I assume.
Carson said that God had given him several signs – once of which included a vision from an unnamed friend.
“I prayed about it a lot, and I got a lot of indications,
people calling me that I haven’t talked to for a long time saying, I had
this dream about you and Donald Trump — I mean, just amazing things…”
Wow! Your friend had a dream.
I had a dream that someone shoved a guitar into my hands and pushed me out on stage and I discovered that I could magically play really really well. So I'm pretty sure that God wants me to quit my job and start a band.
I am NOT taking the blame for this with your wife, pal!
"What I've been seeing recently is political operatives ... once again
trying to assert themselves and trying to thwart the will of the
people," Carson said. "I find that to be an extraordinarily dangerous
place right now."
Really? Because, you know what would really be a dangerous place right now for you? A Donald Trump rally.
Wow, he's given you permission to give him free publicity for his upcoming movie? What a get!
And you know it's some honest film-making because the trailer begins with D'Souza pretending he was sentenced to Oz for campaign finance violations.
And that he was sent to jail not for having committed a crime, but because the Obama Administration wanted to "shut him up." I mean, yeah, pretty much everyone wishes you would shut up, Dinesh, but that's not why you were jailed. You actually, literally committed a crime, don't pretend like we don't know this.
And D'Souza promises to reveal the "secret history" of the Democratic Party. And the bombshell revelation? The Democratic Party used to be the favored party of Southern racists!
Um, everyone knows this.
It's like "revealing" that the San Francisco Giants used to play in New York. Everyone already knows, and it's means nothing. The Giants used to play in New York, the Dodgers were in Brooklyn, the Nationals used to be the Expos, and none of that has anything to do with the way the National League is currently configured.
White Southern racists used to vote for Democrats because they couldn't forgive the Republicans for being the party of Lincoln. Then LBJ signed the Civil rights Act, Nixon came up with the "Southern Strategy" * and Strom Thurmond led the racist Exodus from the Democratic Party to the GOP. Everyone already knows this. This is not a "secret" history.
Also, it's a little hard to portray the democrats as the party of the Klan when the Klan has just endorsed Republican front-runner Donald Trump.
And it ends with the question "what if their plan is to 'steal' America?" And in this context, I guess the word "steal" means "get elected to public office by the voters? And then govern?
The trailer is scheduled to debut
officially Saturday at the Conservative Political Action Conference
(CPAC) in Washington, D.C., as part of D’Souza’s presentation on a
panel.
Ahh, CPAC! The Cannes of bullshit!
“The Democrats at their national
presidential nominating convention in Philadelphia will be meeting in
July to put out their official story of the Democratic Party’s role in
American history, and we will be opening in theaters across the country
to put out the counter-narrative – namely, the truth,” D’Souza told WND
in an interview Thursday.
Theaters across the country! And by "theaters," we of course mean church basements, VFW halls and multi-purpose rooms rented out by the College Republicans.
Anyway, there's probably more we could get into, but the computer is acting up agai. Let's just say that if any of you are members of the Democratic Party, enjoy it while you can. Because Dinesh D'Souza is going to blow this party out of the water!
*Technically, I think Kevin Philips came up with the Southern Strategy on Nixon's behalf, but I don't like to quibble.
It's getting really hard to do this kind of a blog anymore, now that everything has descended into self-parody. It's hard to come up with sarcastic comments about, for instance, the NRA's Wayne LaPierre railing against "gun-free zones" from the safety of a gun-free zone at CPAC.
Or how could one possibly satirize the GOP harrumphing about Donald Trump's refusal to "refudiate" the Klan? "A racist? In our Grand old Party? Well, I never!"
Yes, you must absolutely reject bigotry while trying to prevent gay marriage, deporting millions of Hispanics, keeping minorities from voting and coming up with ways to justify every shooting of an unarmed black person. What could I possibly say that would be more absurd than their actual position?
What could anyone write that would be more ridiculous than a Presidential debate devolving into dick jokes?
Although, I'm still trying to figure out Trump's logic on that one. Instead of just saying "look, you can see my hands are normal size," he tries to get all logician on the subject with "well, if my hands were small, then it follows that my penis would necessarily also be small, and I assure you that my penis is not at all small, so ipso facto my hands must not be small either." First of all, I'm pretty sure that the whole hand-size/penis-size thing is a myth. My hands are quite large, and. . . um. . . forget it, it doesn't matter.
So, yeah. It's tough these days for a smart-alecky blogger. But I'll keep trying.
