Conservative Hero of the Day

Eric Smith (Not his real name) is a student at a large Midwestern college. One sunny day he was minding his own business, hanging out on the quad when he casually shouted "FAG!" at a fellow student.

Suddenly, and without warning Eric was attacked by people he had thought were his friends, who began to shout "dude, not cool" and "don't be an asshole" at him. Silently praying for strength, Eric stood up to the pc police and their gestapo tactics. "No!" he shouted. "You will not take away my Constitutional right to free speech! I will not be persecuted for my religious beliefs!"

Just when he thought he had overcome their prejudice, one of his classmates stepped towards him and unleashed the question "dude, what the fuck are you talking about?" Was he frightened? Of course. But somehow Eric dug deep inside himself and found the strength to stand up to this bully. He looked the aggressor right in the eye and calmly stated "c'mon. That guy's a total fag!"

And for the crime of standing up for his beliefs, this brave patriot was subjected to an unending onslaught of head-shaking and eye-rolls as his former friends deserted him, walking away and returning to class.

Of course it goes without saying that Eric is currently in hiding in an undisclosed location, fearing for his safety and that of his family, as it is expected that gay thugs will of course seek to do him violence, possibly with the assistance of jack-booted government goons. But for standing up bravely in the face of unimaginable intolerance, Eric Smith is our Conservative Hero of the Day!

The Year in Television, Part Two

More shows that have brought us joy or at least staved off the ennui for a short time this year.

Most Intriguing Show:

Rectify.

 

This show is about a man who, after spending twenty years on death row, is released pending a new trial. It's mostly about his difficulties in trying to adjust to normal life again. The question of his guilt or innocence is never really addressed, and honestly, not much really happens on this show. But somehow, it's just fascinating. They only made six episodes for season one, but it is supposed to be coming back for a second season sometime in 2014. It's on the Sundance Channel, which I guess a lot of people don't get, but it's worth seeking out.

Best Newcomer:

Maron



I have a weakness for shows about neurotic comedians and they don't get much more neurotic than Marc Maron. If you enjoy his WTF Podcast, or remember him fondly from Air America, this show should be right up your alley. I know some people have pointed out (notably Micheal Ian Black) that the show is, shall we say, a bit reminiscent of Louie, but a) That's like complaining that Parks & Rec borrows heavily from the Office, and b) I wish there were a hundred shows that were similar to Louie.

Most Annoying Character on TV

The Sofia Vergara character on Modern Family




I don't even know her character's name, because I've only seen this show a couple of times. I think I would like it, too, if not for her. She seems to be a two-dimensional caricature of the hot-blooded Latina sex kitten stereotype whose main function is to serve as a symbol of the Ed O'Neill charcter's success and affluence. I feel bad saying that her accent is ridiculously exaggerated because I guess it's possible that she really does talk like that, but the exaggerated accent, the exaggerated sexuality always spilling out of an outfit a size too small and the fact that it's supposed to be howlingly funny that she often mispronounces English words all add up to the most annoying character on TV. She does everything but shake maracas, shout cootchy-cootchy and tell Lucy that she has some 'splaining to do. Feh!


Other notable shows:

The Bridge



Definitely flawed, but a good suspenseful murder mystery

The Americans



A relationship drama wrapped in an espionage thriller coated in moral ambiguity.


Orphan Black



A tight, keep-you-guessing mystery based on a sort of silly premise but it totally works, thanks in large part to Tatiana Maslany who plays at least a half-dozen different characters and nails them all.

The Walking Dead

 

I never was into zombies, but this is really a story about survival, and what people will do to survive, what kinds of moral choices they have to make. It works. And Michone is my favorite tv bad-ass ever. Actually, this show has probably had more strong, tough female characters than any other I can remember.

Lowbrow Comedies

 

 It wasn't the best season for any of these shows, but I still laughed at all of them. I'm not proud of that fact, but there it is.

2013: The Year in Television

If you know me at all, and you don't, you know that I love me some television. So without further ado, the Daily Irritant is proud to present THE YEAR IN TELEVISION!

Best New Trend:
Original Programming on Netflix. Two of my favorite shows of this year were Netflix originals: Orange is the New Black and Derek with Ricky Gervais.

 

And, although I didn't care for House of Cards, I couldn't stand Kevin Spacey talking to the camera with that ridiculous Lindsey Graham accent, the missus loved it, and I think most people did too. So I'm counting that as another win for Netflix.

Best Network Sitcom:
I know, it's damning with faint praise, since the networks insist on churning out dreck like The Big Bang Theory and 2 1/2 Men, but ABC has stumbled onto something good with Super Fun Night.

And star Rebel Wilson continues another positive trend: the funny fat woman. For years, we've had funny fat men, from Oliver Hardy to John Belushi to Chris Farley, but even in comedies, women were always expected to be traditionally pretty/hot in order to be on camera.  Melissa McCarthy blazed the trail a few years ago, and now Saturday Night Live has its first "plus-sized" woman cast member, Aidy Bryant. Now Rebel Wilson has her own show and she is KILLING it!

Most Addictive Show:

Scandal.





This drama somehow managed to fly under my radar until this year when some of my wife's co-workers strongly recommended it To be honest, I almost gave up on this show after one episode because it was a little corny, what with the hero-worship the other characters have for lead character Olivia Pope and their ":we're not lawyers, we're gladiators in suits" schtick was bit cheesy, but both of those aspects get downplayed in later episodes, and once the plot twists started, I was hooked. we binge-watched the old episodes on Netflix and started watching it live on ABC. This show is definitely flawed, it can be slightly soap-operaish and some of the dialogue can get a bit Aaron Sorkiney, but every episode introduces a new twist and you just can't wait to see what happens next, as they strap on the water skis and head in the general direction of the shark but somehow always avoid jumping it.
Trigger warning: This show does have a problem with consent. It's not a spoiler to tell you that Olivia Pope is having an affair with a married man, but there are a few scenes in which that married man grabs her, pushes her against the wall and jams his tongue down her throat. And at least one scene where she clearly says "stop" and he doesn't. But creepily, almost every one of these scenes ends with seemingly consensual sex.  It's wrong,and I don't understands why this keeps happening in a show created by and executive-produced by a woman. But even that can't break my addiction.

Best Animated Show:
Bob's Burgers.



 I don't know how I missed this one, but I started watching it this year, and Kristen Schaal and Eugene Mirman just kill it on a weekly basis on this show. The rest of the cast is good, too, especially Megan Mullalley in a recurring role, but Mirman and Schall's gleefully anarchic shouts of pure id keep me laughing like no animated show since the glory years of the Simpsons.

Worst show that used to be good:
American Horror Story



God, season one was so good! Although, to be fair, it did run out of steam towards the end and the season finale was just awful, but for most of the year, they kept you guessing about what the hell was going on and what was going to happen next.

Season two was a bit of a train wreck. They couldn't decide whether it was going to be about the Nazi scientist and his human experiments, or about alien abduction, or about the serial killer with the worst serial-killer name in history, "Bloody Face." For a while, it seemed like maybe iut was going to be about devil possession, but the nun that got possessed just ended up being more fun, bringing a jukebox into the hospital and seducing men. Nothing scary at all. But Jessica Lange was so good that she made it all okay.

But, Lord. even Jessica Lange can't save Season Three. From the very beginning with the main character's "oh, well, I guess I'm a witch, *shrug*" voiceover, this season has been a disaster. The voiceover removed any hope of suspense as we already knew exactly what was going on. And it's never recovered. For one thing, they can't seem to make up their mind whether the witches are good or evil or neither or both. And they just seem to have been born witches which means they don't have to do any spooky, occultic ceremonies or rituals. And the main witch girl's power is that she can fuck guys to death? And she can't turn this power off, so she can never have sex with anyone she actually likes or anyone she wants to do it more than once with. What a stupid power!
But the worst sin this season commits is somehow coaxing really terrible performances from usually Oscar-worthy actresses Kathy Bates, Angela Bassett, and Gabourey Sibide. Just depressing.

Best Drama now that Breaking Bad is gone:
Hell on Wheels







I don't know where the Hell Anson Mount has been all this time, but if there's a more charismatic lead actor in television today, I sure don't know who it would be. He's great, Common is great, Colm Meany is good, the large unknown supporting cast is terrific, and if you can suspend disbelief about a group of white trash men in the 1870's accepting Common in a position of authority, the show is damn-well written. If you're not to put off by violence and gunplay, this is a really compelling drama.

I know I'm forgetting something, there were a lot of shows I really liked this year, bu that's all I can think of right now.

Steve Stockman Continues to be Disgusting

Reprehensible human being Steve Stockman tweeted this high-larious tweet today:

Rep. Steve Stockman @StockmanSenate

Follow

The best gun lubricant around.

2:58 PM - 30 Dec 2013

 

 Ooh, good one! You know what else is a great gun lubricant? The tears of parents whose children have been senselessly slaughtered! Ha! Zing!

 Oh, oh, or the tears of the surviving family members of people who get murdered in movie theaters! Get it? Ha ha ha ha ha!!!!

Or the sons and daughters of police officers gunned down in the line of duty by criminals who never should have had access to guns in the first place! These jokes just write themselves! 

Oh, Steve Stockman, what a clever, hilarious jokester you are! Everyone must be just ROFLing right now, except for those folks who have a shred of human decency! Lucky for you those folks don't vote in Republican primaries.

 

Tom DeLay? Seriously?

Tom DeLay is back? Seriously? That smarmy little criminal? And yes, I know his conviction was, to use a social-conservative phrase, "overturned on a technicality," but still, how have we not seen the last of this little scumbag?
 

WND EXCLUSIVE

Tom DeLay on America: Lose God, lose greatness

Cites abortion, divorce, homosexuality, debt in calling situation a 'disaster'

What do divorce, homosexuality and debt have to do with each other?

No?

 Are you sure?

 

 No, definitely couldn't be that.

I'm sorry, we were looking for "Things that Republicans pretend are scary!"

Pictured: A lovely parting gift!

Anyway, back to what we were talking about:

Former U.S. Rep. Tom DeLay, R-Texas, who was elected House majority leader in 2002 but later left office in the middle of a battle against unsubstantiated claims of money laundering, says America is losing its greatness because it has abandoned God.

 If by "unsubstantiated," you mean totally true but legally we can pretend otherwise, then sure. Unsubstantiated!

Speaking at a meeting of the Texas Tea Party Republican Women, he cited Colossians 1:16, which reads, “For in him all things were created: things in heaven and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or powers or rulers or authorities; all things have been created through him and for him.”

He contends the verse demonstrates God created America and the Constitution, and that both should be defended for this reason alone.

DeLay told WND the Founding Fathers, “along with most of the citizens of the colonies, were religious, moral, and well educated on which was based their worldview.”

“From that worldview, they knew there was a God, and they called on Him for guidance. They knew that God and the Bible were the solutions for the tyranny they faced,” he said.

Okay, and here is where we run into a little logic trouble. Because clearly the Founding Fathers did NOT believe in the Bible verse you cited. Obviously they could not have believed in that principle, in which much of the Western World did believe, of the "Divine Right of Kings" because if they had believed that, they would have no moral justification for the Revolutionary War. You can't believe that the King has been chosen by the Almighty to be your ruler and also think that you ought to have a violent overthrow of that king. God and the Bible can't be the solutions for the "tyranny" they faced, because God is the one who put the "tyrant" in charge in the first place. Also, if you think God is going to be the solution, why bother having an armed uprising? Why not let God handle it?

You can't have it both ways. You can't believe that "whether thrones or powers or rulers or authorities; all things have been created through him and for him.” applies to George Washington but not to King George. You can't say that the all authorities are "created through him and for him, except for Barack Obama, let's have a second Revolution!" If you believe that God has put authorities and rulers and powers in placed, then you goddamm well better start showing some fucking respect for the leader He has chosen. Even if He chose a black guy this time.