Movie Trailers That Make Me Say "No!"

Trailer # 1: LUCY




No.

Okay, I get that this is supposed to be science fiction, but sci-fi still has to have some basis in reality. Like, if people can build an International Space Station, theoretically, with enough technological advances, they should someday be able to construct a Death Star. Currently, a Death Star is science fiction, but someday it could very well be science fact.

This movie, however is based on the thoroughly debunked *urban legend that humans supposedly use only 10% of their brains. Which makes the entire premise of this movie incredibly stupid, no matter how much gravitas Morgan Freeman brings to the pseudo-scientific narration.

And what if it were true? What if humans only used a small portion of our brains? And Scarlett Johansson somehow was given some drug that allows her to use the other 90%? Would that enable her to learn Chinese in an hour? Maybe. Would it allow her to freeze time, knock people over with telkinesis, and change her hair and eye color at will? That's just fucking stupid.

Maybe the intended audience for this movie is people who have somehow been reduced to 10% brain function?


Trailer # 2: LET'S BE COPS




No.

Okay, first of all, this was an episode of "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia."
So now you're going to stretch out that premise for 90 minutes with exponentially less funny people?

No.

Also, this trailer is over a minute long and there is nothing even resembling a laugh in it.


Trailer # 3 : TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES






No.
Just no.

Why?
Why would you think this was something anyone wanted to see?
Somehow the "douchebag frat boys who happen to also be turtles and know karate" thing managed to catch lightning in a bottle and appeal to a particularly obnoxious segment of 1980's children, but do you think that lightning is going to strike twice?

No.
Just no.

Just fucking awful.

*Though an alluring idea, the "10 percent myth" is so wrong it is almost laughable, says neurologist Barry Gordon at Johns Hopkins School of Medicine in Baltimore. "It turns out though, that we use virtually every part of the brain, and that [most of] the brain is active almost all the time," Gordon adds.

My evening in pictures

 

 Yea! The Giants are gonna be on TV tonight!

 I hardly ever get to watch a Giants game out here in Atlanta! Play Ball!

 

 Sighhhhh. . .

So, did I miss any stupid while I was gone?

Haha, of course I did!

Duh!

I missed Republicans trying to find ways that a plane getting shot down by a missle was somehow Barack Obama's fault.

I missed Congressman Phil Gingrey a doctor, for God's sake, fearing that Honduran refugees might be bringing the ebola virus with them, because the easiest way to the texas border is apparently via Sierra Leone?

I missed a wingnut nurse lady suing a hospital for not hiring her to do d job she refused to do.

But I got home just in time for this

Why we DON’T use Birth Control

An areticle written by a group calling itself, I kid you not, "Catholic Sistas."

 

You'd think so, but no!

They are, however, a group of Catholic women who felt compelled to post "reasons" for their decision to eschew birth control. Now one would think that the "reason"  would be "cuz I'm Catrholic," but no, these ladies have put a lot more "thought" into this issue.

We do not use birth control…….

Right. That is true. That is why I don't ever exercise because lack of muscle tone is not a disease. And I never read or watch television because boredom is not a disease. Basically, anything that is not a disease I really see no reason to avoid. Why comb my hair? Slovenliness is not a disease/

“Because observing and charting my fertility is empowering!”

In what way?
 **crickets**

Oh, is "empowering" just some buzz word you've heard that you think will make you seem smart?

 

Um, you know birth control doesn't actually break your ladyparts, right? 

Oh, you don't? 

 

Really? No foreign objects?

“Because my fertility is my superpower.”

That may be the saddest sentence I have ever read. Fertility a superpower? Because, compared to a sea turtle, you really suck at fertility, and no one thinks a sea turtle is a superhero.


“Because regularly shooting my body up with extra hormones would make it a lot harder to be a reasonable, thoughtful, and logical human being.”

 

Um, no. Not really.

“Because I really don’t think it’s healthy for my body to think it is perpetually pregnant.”
 
Yes, much healthier to actually BE perpetually pregnant!
Also, what you "really think" isn't really all that persuasive compared to what doctors and science people really think.

 
“Because I want my husband to actually be involved in our decision to have sex and know that I’m not carrying the weight alone and that he is not just using me for sex.”


So, wait. Do you normally not include your husband? What, do you just wait for him to fall asleep and then mount him, or. . .? How does this work, exactyl? Seriously, tell me how this works, Slowly. In great detail!

 

I don't think you know what the word "genius" means. Genius exists between your ears, not between your legs.

Um, okay.
I don't, um. . .
I don't see what that has to do with, um. . .
I gotta think that maybe the husband might be a bit happier if, every time he asked "hey, hon, how about we. . ." you're not having to respond with "not this week, dear!" Or "I'd love to, but Gah, another baby?"

“Because if I didn’t want to have a baby, I just wouldn’t have sex.”

Wow. The last of the red-hot lovers, eh? What a wonderful life you must have, constantly having to make that false choice.

“Because I cannot imagine one of my children not existing.”


Yeah, because if you take birth control, your kids stop existing, just fading away like Michael J. Fox in Back to the Future.


“Because having a family is on my bucket list. And infinitely more fun and rewarding than anything else.”

Maybe learning the difference between birth control and sterilization should also be on that list?


“Because I don’t need anything to control me, I can control myself.”

Um, you can control your ovulation? You can, by sheer power of will, prevent your fertilized ova from implanting in your uterine wall? Damn, that is impressive. Suck on that, Tibetan monks!

Yeah, that's pretty much what normal couples do, too.

The coolest thing I saw in Mexico

It's hard to decide what was the coolest thing I saw in Mexico.

And I would think it would be easy because we saw sea turtles.




Not in the water.

We got to watch them crawl up on to the beach, drag themselves across the sand, dig a burrow, bury themselves. lay their eggs then drag themselves back to the water again.

 



 The whole process takes about 3 hours, which is admittedly, a bit over long. Sea turtles have very little sense of showmanship, but still. Pretty freakin' cool.


They don't come out until after dark and lights disturb them, so I don't have any decent photos to show you. Also, I'm not sure which of the 7 types of sea turtles they were, but they were about 3+ feet long and seemed to be mostly grey.

In the water, a sea turtle is a beautiful, graceful, elegant creature. On the land, not so much.

It's a little bit sad to watch them drag themselves clumsily along the sand, seemingly exhausting themselves with the effort. We tried to tell them "that's far enough, Mrs Turtle. The people are just going to dig them up and re-bury them somewhere safer anyway. Just go ahead and lay them right there." but you know how turtles are. They always have to do things their own way.

Anyway, under most circumstances, that would be an easy winner for the title "coolest thing I saw," but then we saw a guy doing this:









So it's a tough call!

One last stupid person

Well, we're heading off to Mexico for a week or so, hopefully Sean Hannity will let us back in without shooting us too much!






Yeah, of course Hannity's down there defendin' our border along with all the other squirrelly fruitcakes who decided that since it worked so well at Bundy Ranch, they might as well   take their guns down to the Rio Grande to start enforcing their own laws.

But that's not the stupid person I'm talking about.
This is the stupid person I'm talking about:

Minnesota House candidate makes AIDS, 'Gay Agenda' campaign issues

By Cyndy Brucato | 07/09/14

I know, I know, there's sadly nothing surprising about a Republican candidate making the (scary music) "gay agenda!!!" a campaign issue. It's depressingly predictable. But this guy, oh this guy is special!

 

Businessman Bob Frey

But when questioned about his position on social issues, Frey added that it “does certainly need to be addressed for what it is. It’s not about the gay agenda but about the science and the financial impact of that agenda. It’s more about sodomy than about pigeonholing a lifestyle.”   

Did anyone understand any of that? 

I heard sodomy! Then he lost me.

But anyway, that's not even the stupid part.
This is the stupid part:

Frey then explained his view: “When you have egg and sperm that meet in conception, there’s an enzyme in the front that burns through the egg. The enzyme burns through so the DNA can enter the egg. If the sperm is deposited anally, it's the enzyme that causes the immune system to fail. That’s why the term is AIDS – acquired immunodeficiency syndrome.”

Oh. My. GAWD!!!

First of all, is there such an enzyme? Well, I did a little research and it looks like there might be. Let's just say that I now know way more about sperm than I ever wanted to and I'm still not certain.  Does that enzyme somehow cause AIDS?



How would that even work?

How would an enzyme that eats through a cell membrane cause immune system failure?

And if somehow, an enzyme eating through the cell membranes of the anal cavity caused immune system failure, it seems logical that it would do the same thing in the vagina.

Oh my God, I don't want to think about this anymore.

 

Anyway, the point is, it's 2014, not 1983. We know what causes AIDS. It's a virus. There's no black magic that causes sperms to turn lethal in the butt.
And in the 21st Century, we know that two dudes in San Francisco having buttsex doesn't cause AIDS, it cause God to send tornadoes to Kansas or hurricanes to Florida. Geez, read a science book, why dontcha?

Anyway, that's it for me for a little while. See you soon.

Viva Mexico!

And Deutschland Uber Alles!