Trump and his manos pequeños go to Mexico

So Trump went to Mexico for some reason and gave one of his patented "speeches that read like a word-cloud" speeches for a group of people who I pray don't speak English. Here are a couple of highlights:

I happen to have a tremendous feeling for Mexican-Americans

Yeah. We know. we know all about your feeling for Mexican Americans. It's a lot like my feeling for sushi. It's gross, I don't know who the hell let it in here, and I wish it would go back where it came from.

I happen to have a tremendous feeling for Mexican-Americans, not only in terms of friendships, but also in terms of the tremendous numbers that I employ in the United States, and they are amazing people, amazing people.

You know, other than all the raping.

I have many friends, so many friends, and so many friends coming to Mexico, and in Mexico.

Friends! Mexico! Lots and lots of Mexico friends! Going to Mexico, coming from Mexico. . .Friends! So many of them!

Ever since George W. Bush, it's getting hard to find a Republican who can string together a coherent sentence!

                             Nope!

Nuh-unh! Try again!

  Steee-rike Three!                    

So you know that no matter what he said, his supporters were going to have to pretend that he did a  fantastic, tremendous job - really one of the best jobs - but some of these tweets. . . .

I hear Churchill had a nice turn of phrase, but Trump's immigration speech is the most magnificent speech ever given.

— Ann Coulter (@AnnCoulter) September 1, 2016

 

 You know nothing of my work!

Seriously? Better than "ask not what your country can do for you" or "I have a dream" or "was it over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor?"



Was it better than "it just doesn't matter?

I know she has to keep saying the most ridiculous things to keep in the public eye, but sheesh!

then there's Laura Ingraham

Anyone who doesn't think this wasn't Trump's finest hour is just not being honest. And Pena-Nieto came off great too.

— Laura Ingraham (@IngrahamAngle) August 31, 2016

Oh, his finest hour? That's not saying much, considering his next finest hour was talking about his dick on stage in a debate.


Oh, and speaking of which. . . .

FOX's  resident quack psychiatrist "Doctor" Keith Ablow for some reason brought up the Trump tiny hands moment at that debate that was like a couple months ago or whatever:

“When the ‘small hands’ issue was raised during the debate—that supposedly got the Clinton campaign very excited, they thought ‘Man, he’s off his game’—he wasn’t off his game at all. Freud would have been standing up, like applauding. Standing ovation.”

You know nothing of my work!

Why would Freud supposedly have been standing and applauding?
It's been a long time since my Psych classes, but I'm pretty sure that Trump understood defensiveness masking insecurities.  I'm pretty sure Freud would have thought "Damn, I've got to get this guy on the couch. I'll make a fortune!"
Except, you know, in German.

“To be able to address such an intensely personal issue and say, ‘Listen, there’s no problem in that department,’ to me, that showed an incredible degree of psychological strength.”

The kind of psychological strength you usually only find in every single high school boy on the planet.

Oh, yeah. It's pretty big. You could ask any of the girls that I've totally had sex with. 

You don't know them, they go to a different school.

You know what would maybe show some actual psychological strength? Just coming out and saying "yeah, it's kinda small. So what? I have many other fine qualities."
Or maybe just not talking about it at all. Just ignoring Rubio's dig at his tiny hands might have showed some psychological - well, not strength, exactly, but. . . I mean it's what any normal functioning adult would do when confronted by a juvenile taunt.

Oh, man - remember normal functioning adults? I miss them!

People who aren't even trying, Part II

Person who is not even trying #2: Sarah Palin

I know, surprise surprise the laziest woman in politics isn't even trying. But really, it seems like whoever writes her social media posts for her used to put a little effort into making them coherent, didn't they?

Here's her post about Hillary Rodham Clinton:

Leave Hillary Alone, Bullies
Aww, c'mon guys, give her a break. Anyone can be out of commission.... for weeks on end... whilst in the heat of battle for the highest office in the land. 

Um, okay. But she absolutely has not been out of commission for weeks on end, so I'm not sure what point you're trying to make.

For instance: here is a list of the campaign events she held in July.


July 2, 2016

	MSNBC	Television (MSNBC)	Hillary Clinton
July 5, 2016	Charlotte, North Carolina	Organizing Event	Hillary Clinton & President Barack Obama
July 5, 2016	Washington, DC	National Education Association’s 95th Representative Assembly	Hillary Clinton
July 6, 2016	Atlantic City, New Jersey	Organizing Event	Hillary Clinton
July 8, 2016	CNN	Television (CNN)	Hillary Clinton
July 8, 2016	NewHour	Television (PBS)	Hillary Clinton
July 8, 2016	Philadelphia, Pennsylvania	African Methodist Episcopal Church Quadrennial Session	Hillary Clinton
July 10, 2016	Austin, Texas	Fundraiser	Ann O’Leary
July 11, 2016	Houston, Texas	Fundraiser	Ann O’Leary
July 12, 2016	Portsmouth, New Hampshire	Organizing Event	Hillary Clinton & Senator Bernie Sanders
July 12, 2016	New York City, New York	Hamilton: An American Musical (Fundraiser)	Hillary Clinton
July 13, 2016	Springfield, Illinois	Organizing Event	Hillary Clinton
July 13, 2016	St. Louis, Missouri	Fundraiser	Hillary Clinton
July 13, 2016	Palo Alto, California	Fundraiser	Jake Sullivan & Sara Solow
July 13, 2016	Los Angeles, California	Fundraiser	Trevor Houser
July 13, 2016	New York City, New York	Fundraiser	De’Ara Balenger
July 14, 2016	Washington, DC	League of United Latin American Citizens National Convention	Hillary Clinton
July 14, 2016	Annandale, Virginia	Organizing Event	Hillary Clinton & Senator Tim Kaine
July 14, 2016	Charlotte, North Carolina	Fundraiser	LGBTQ and Allies for Hillary
July 14, 2016	Seattle, Washington	Fundraiser	Jake Sullivan
July 14, 2016	The O’Reilly Factor	Television (Fox News)	Hillary Clinton
July 16, 2016	St. Louis, Missouri	Netroots Nation (Video Conference)	Hillary Clinton
July 18, 2016	CBS This Morning	Television (CBS)	Hillary Clinton
July 18, 2016	Cincinnati, Ohio	NAACP Convention	Hillary Clinton
July 18, 2016	Cincinnati, Ohio	Organizing Event	Hillary Clinton
July 18, 2016	Minneapolis, Minnesota	American Federation of Teachers Convention	Hillary Clinton
July 18, 2016	Portland, Oregon	Fundraiser	Ann O’Leary
July 18, 2016	Atlanta, Georgia	Fundraiser	Barney Frank
July 19, 2016	Las Vegas, Nevada	The American Federation of State, County and Municipal Employees International Convention	Hillary Clinton
July 19, 2016	Las Vegas, Nevada	Voter Registration Event	Hillary Clinton
July 19, 2016	San Francisco, California	Fundraiser	Former Ambassador Eleni Kounalakis
July 20, 2016	Boston, Massachusetts	Fundraiser	Demi Lovato & Nick Jonas
July 20, 2016	Brooklyn, New York	Fundraiser	Michelle Kwan
July 21, 2016	National, New York	Fundraiser	Ann O’Leary
July 22, 2016	Orlando, Florida	Rountable Discussion	Hillary Clinton
July 22, 2016	Tampa, Florida	Organizing Event	Hillary Clinton
July 23, 2016	Miami, Florida	Organizing Event	Hillary Clinton
July 23, 2016	Philadelphia, Pennsylvania	Fundraiser	Robby Mook
July 24, 2016	60 Minutes	Television (CBS)	Hillary Clinton & Senator Tim Kaine
July 25, 2016	Charlotte, North Carolina	VFW National Convention	Hillary Clinton
July 25, 2016	Charlotte, North Carolina	Organizing Event for Volunteers	Hillary Clinton
July 25, 2016	Philadelphia, Pennsylvania	Democratic National Convention – Day 1	Senator Bernie Sanders, First Lady Michelle Obama, and Various
July 26, 2016	Philadelphia, Pennsylvania	Democratic National Convention – Day 2	Bill Clinton and Various
July 27, 2016	Philadelphia, Pennsylvania	Democratic National Convention – Day 3	Senator Tim Kaine, Vice President Joe Biden, President Barack Obama, and Various
July 28, 2016	Philadelphia, Pennsylvania	Democratic National Convention – Day 4	Hillary Clinton, Chelsea Clinton, and Various
July 29, 2016	Philadelphia, Pennsylvania	Rally	Hillary Clinton
July 29, 2016	Harrisburg, Pennsylvania	Organizing Event	Hillary Clinton & Tim Kaine
July 30, 2016	Johnstown, Pennsylvania	Manufacturing Event	Hillary Clinton & Tim Kaine
July 30, 2016	Pittsburgh , Pennsylvania	Organizing Event	Hillary Clinton & Tim Kaine
July 30, 2016	Youngstown, Ohio	Organizing Event	Hillary Clinton & Tim Kaine
July 31, 2016	Fox News Sunday	Television (Fox News)	Hillary Clinton
July 31, 2016	Cleveland, Ohio	Manufacturing Event	Hillary Clinton & Tim Kaine
July 31, 2016	Columbus, Ohio	Organizing Event	Hillary Clinton & Tim Kaine

Okay, that's 24 days on,, seven days off, including July 4th weekend, with multiple events on most days. Including visits to hostile territory on the 14th and 31st. When has she been "out of commission?"

By the way, this took me about 10 seconds on Google to find.

No press conferences for nearly a year? No scheduled campaign events for days upon days?

Okay, I'll give you the press conference thing. She really should hold more. Or some. But she's giving interviews pretty much every day to some reporter or FOX employee so it's not like she's incommunicado. And when are these "days upon days" that she has no events scheduled? Since you're too lazy to type "Clinton campaign schedule" into the Google, let me give you this link: https://hillaryspeeches.com/scheduled-events/
If it's not too much trouble, you could click on it and see all the events she has scheduled for almost every day in the coming month.

No statements, no answers, no accountability, no problem. Layin' low to run out the clock before November, but you're SEXIST for noticing it.

 

Jeezus Christ, you're too lazy to pronounce words correctly when you're TYPING them? "Layin' low?" Seriously? Just type the fucking G. (See how I spelled out "fucking" even though in normal speech I would probably have dropped the "g" and pronounced it "fuckin'?" Wasn't that hard!)
 Also, you're not sexist for noticing it. You're delusional for noticing it. You're delusional for thinking it's a real thing. You're either an idiot or a liar for mentioning it.

 And you're MISOGYNIST for questioning a female's fitness. Good thing media didn't hound the crap out of '08 candidate John McCain for his decades-old military medical records or I'd guess them to be hypocrites.

What? When? When did the media ever "hound the crap" out of John McCain re: his military service? When has the media ever been anything less than deferential to John McCain when it comes to his military service? Maybe you're thinking of John Kerry? I mean, the media didn't necessarily trash Kerry's military service, bu they sure as hell enabled the slanderous pricks who did.
The only person who has EVER had a problem with John McCain's military service is your buddy Trump.

Leave Hillary alone! All that email-evidenced yoga, and wedding planning, and cookie-baking-grandma-duty wears you out. Believe you me.

Okay, I get that it wears you out. Serving half a term as governor wore you out. Ten minutes of debate prep wore you out. But Hillary's schedule is goddamm insane and she isn't wearing down. She isn't worn out. She comes bounding onto each stage with that phony smile plastered on her face, gives her stump speech with the same fake enthusiasm night after night, then jumps on a plane headed to the next town like a god damn rock star. And I know this is what every candidate fro president does, I'm not saying she deserves any special credit for doing something Bob Dole was able to do, but still. Where the hell would you get the idea that she is worn out?

Heck, even those of us claiming to be fit as a (seasoned?) fiddle, hit bumps in the wellness road. Even I. Especially I. (Remember Piper's middle name is "Grace"; mine isn't.)

Wait, her middle name is a real name? So you are familiar with real names? You didn't have to go with Brisket and Rock and Peepee and Dweezil?

Rock-running recently, I tripped over my own two feet and crashed & burned face-first. I recovered with the doc's SuperGlue, and now any man who asks "what happened?" I'll refer to as just a mean ol' SEXIST bully. 

Yeah, that's a totally sane reaction. Someone expresses concern (or curiosity) and you respond by calling him a sexist bully. Completely what a normal person would do.
Also, I don't know who this guy with the super glue is, but I don't think he's a doctor. You can sniff glue with him all you want, but I wouldn't get into his van!

Glad for Hillary's protective media's precedence. The next woman running for POTUS has no need to answer to much of anything, for we've got weddings to plan, and Down Dogs to do, and cookies in the oven! So just leave us alone, boys.
- Sarah Palin

None of that made any sense. I've read that through a dozen times and the best guess I can come up with is that you think the press is giving Hillary a free pass? Or going easy on her? Or something like that? Maybe?
I don't know. But seriously, Sarah, you've got to put a little more effort into this. It's like you're not even trying.

People who aren't even trying

Person #1: Jared Vallorani, the CEO of Liberty Alliance,which is some bullshit website thing to scam frightened right-wingers out of some hard-earned monies.





Jared Valenti has an idea you guys! He's got a scheme to, I guess scare gay people into, um, not being gay anymore? Or something? I don'r know, here's what he has to say about his brilliant idea:
(via: .Joe.My.God.)

Dear fellow Christian and Patriot, Our nation is reeling. I turn on the news and see Bruce Jenner being celebrated for wearing a dress.

I'm not sure you know what the word "reeling" means. Our nation was "reeling" in 1861. We were "reeling" on 9/11/01. seeing Caitlyn Jenner on TV is just annoying. Not because she's a trans person, but because she and every other member of that gross awful family are annoying.

Women on Instagram exploiting their bodies for fame.

Well that has certainly never happened before!

Until the advent of social media, no woman had ever capitalized on her sex appeal!

The music industry is selling sex, drug use and explicit language to our children.

Whaaaat?!?!?! Musicians selling sex and drugs?!?!

What is this world coming to?

I see riots in our streets, as men throw rocks at police and vandalize public property. Protesters stomping on and burning Old Glory. I see “race” issues getting worse instead of better.

I was going to laugh about the idea of riots being something new, but why is the word race in quotes? Seriously asking. I can't figure out why the implication that race is something that doesn't really exist or that race-based problems are not really about race, or what is the point he's trying to make?

Anyway, here's his idea. Or the prelude to his idea.

Maybe you feel like it’s hopeless to save our nation. In 70 AD, Rome came and sacked Jerusalem. They burned everything to the ground, just as it was foretold by the prophets.

Which is almost as dire a situation as we are facing now, what with Cait Jenner and all.

They burned everything to the ground, just as it was foretold by the prophets. But yet a remnant remained. Today in America, there are still millions and millions of Bible-believing Christians throughout our nation.

Yes, in fact, according to a recent ABC poll, Eighty-Three Percent of Americans identify as Christians. That's quite a remnant. So maybe you could stop acting like a persecuted minority all the time?

The homosexual population? Less than 3%. Transgenders? Less than .3%! Why are we scared?

Exactly! What the fuck are you people worried about? "Straight" Christian people are the majority in this country. Quit being such whiny babies. No one is suppressing you.

We are the MANY, they are the FEW. We need to take back our streets, take back our cities and take back our nation for the Glory of God!

Take back our streets? Other than Castro Street, heteros are pretty much the majority on every street in America. And I've been to the Castro and let me tell you, the gay folks are not hostile to us. They have no problem with breeders walking down their street.

Pictured: What Jared Valenti thinks every street looks like right now.

Also, I'm not really sure that God needs 'Murica in order to feel glory. I mean, he lives in Heaven, right? Isn't that pretty much the best country in the world? (Sorry, Sean Hannity, but it's true. Heaven beats America.)

Okay, let's just skip ahead. past the doom and gloom and self-pity, to this doofus's brilliant idea.

But it’s not too late. It may feel like it is, but I assure you, Christian citizen, it is NOT! We need to visibly show the nation that we are here and we are not going away quietly. You have seen the Jesus fish on cars for many years now. But we are more than Christians. We are Christian Patriots! That’s why we need your help. We want to see 1 MILLION cars on our streets and highways with this emblem.

You know, because that's not blasphemous at all. Conflating our Lord and Savior with the earthly authorities of the US of A. It's not like God has ever demanded top billing or anything.

We are not hiding. We are right in front of you and we will not lay down and allow any more of this foolishness to destroy our country

We're here! We're not queer! We're driven by fear!

I want every Christian Patriot in America to get the Star-Spangled Fish Emblem for their vehicle. Can you imagine driving through town and seeing 5 out of every 10 cars with the emblem on it? I assure you, they will take notice! Just like in any game, when the defense makes a big play, it strikes fear in the heart of their opponent. 

I'm a little confused as to why you think that an LGBT person would see your Jesus/America fish and find it frightening. Is he supposed to think "hmm, that person loves America, as do I, and he's also a Christian, like most Americans. . . .Ye Gods! I've got to get out of here!"

Or maybe the LGBT community isn't the "opponent." I don't know. But whoever the opponent is supposed to be, I kinda doubt they're going to be scared by the cheap easy gesture of putting a magnet on your car. If you're trying to scare people, you've got to try a little harder. Maybe incorporate something that people are actually scared of. Like snakes. Or ghosts. Or Floridians.

Or dolls. Dolls are scary.

See? Way scarier than a fish.

Or, you know, if you're really married to the whole fish motif - 

There was going to be at least one other person who isn't even trying, but it's getting late. Part II tomorrow, I guess.

News From a Parallel Universe

Apparently, there really is a parallel universe, similar to our own but also different in a Bizzarro-World kind of way. And, much like the Demogorgon, Donald Trump has seemingly slipped into our dimension from the "upside down."

It may interest you to know what news Trump brings from the parallel world. Well, glad you asked! It seems that in the dimension Trump is from, the main reason that Bizzaro Chicago has so much crime is that the Bizzarro Police has been handling its citizens with kid gloves.

Pushed by Fox News host Bill O’Reilly to provide specifics on curbing violent crime in cities like Chicago, Donald Trump said Monday that he would simply put “tough” cops in charge.

“So, specifically, specifically. How do you do it? How do you do it?” O’Reilly asked.
“I know police in Chicago,” Trump replied. “If they were given the authority to do it, they would get it done.”
“How? How?” O’Reilly pressed.
“You have unbelievable—how? By being very much tougher than they are right now,” Trump said. “They are right now not tough.

 Well, I guess it depends on your definition of "tough." Is it "tough" to chase a kid into a backyard and shoot him in the back?




I don't know, I would call that pretty cowardly.

This guy would seemingly disagree.

But extrajudicial executions are only happening in OUR dimension. In the upside down, police are afraid to do much of anything, lest they be - I don't know, disciplined in some way for killing an unarmed citizen?

 

Also, in this universe, Trump is leading in the polls!

I could tell you this very long and quite boring story but when I was in Chicago, I got to meet a couple of very top police.

I believe the departmental  ranks go: Lieutenant, Captain, Very Top.

I said, ‘How do you stop this? How do you stop this? If you were put in charge,’ to a specific person, ‘Do you think you could stop it?’ He said, ‘Mr. Trump, I would be able to stop it in one week.’ And I believed him 100 percent.” 

He said that and I believed him completely. Uncritical credulity is a desirable trait in a president, right?

O’Reilly: How? Did he tell you how he’d be able to stop it?
Trump: No, he just wants to use tough — he wants to use tough police tactics, which is OK. You have people being killed.

 

Pictured: The not-tough-enough tactics currently employed by police.

O’Reilly: All right. So your tone is pro-police.
Trump: You have to give them back their spirit.
O’Reilly: How do you stop the bad guys from attacking them?
Trump: By giving them back your spirit and by allowing them to go and counterattack. I mean it’s ridiculous what’s happening, they’re not respecting the police anymore, and the police are afraid to do anything […] they don’t wanna lose their job.

Huh! That's weird. See, here in our universe, pretty much every day there's a new hashtag on Twitter with the name of someone killed by police. And every day, it seems a cop is put on "paid administrative leave," not charged with anything and then welcomed back to the force.

Pictured: Police officers who did not lose their jobs. And don't seem "afraid to do anything."

“It’s a little bit like, we could win the war a lot more quickly if we’d let our generals do the job properly.”

Hm, that sounds familiar. I'm guessing we should probably bomb Chicago back to the Stone Age?

Now Today comes this headline:

Chicago Police Say Trump Lied About Meeting ‘Top’ Cop to Talk ‘Tough Police Tactics’

by Tommy Christopher | 12:22 pm, August 24th, 2016

Yeah, Chicago P.D. That meeting never took place in OUR universe. You need to check with the Bizzaro Chicago PD. In the Upside Down.

Comforting News

For anyone who was afraid that a President Trump wouldn't surround himself with qualified, serious advisors, worry no more!

August 21, 2016, 09:04 am

Michele Bachmann: I'm advising Trump on foreign policy

Oh, what a relief! I was afraid he'd go with someone monstrously unqualified!

Tea Party firebrand Michele Bachmann says she is advising Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump on foreign policy. 

The former Minnesota congresswoman attended a fundraiser in the state for Trump on Saturday, where she revealed to the press that she has his ear on foreign policy. “He also recognizes there is a threat around the world, not just here in Minnesota, of radical Islam,” she said, according to MPR News.

Oh my God, really? Because all this time I was thinking it was just Minnesota! Are there really other places in the world where Islamic radicals might be a problem?  I mean, you should really be advising both candidates with that kind of inside knowledge!

God, imagine being "advised" on foreign policy by this nut!



The person whose approach to diplomatic relations with the state of Israel is based on fear of being cursed.







Who wouldn't want to be advised by a woman so astute that she thinks this guy is heterosexual?




I imagine a lot of conversations like:

"Mr. President, there's a situation brewing in the Middle East!"

"What is it,  Secretary Bachmann? And don't say the Anti-Christ!"

"Oh. Um, never mind Mr. President."


Could you imagine? You're the President of the United States, you call in your foreign policy advisor to ask about rumors you're hearing about a possible new terrorist threat and you get something like:

"Now think carefully, Mr. President. Did this beast have seven heads or ten? And were there crowns upon each of his heads when he rose from the sea?"

'cuz if it's this guy, we're fucked!