Rush Limbaugh

So Bloated, Bloviating Blowhard Rush Limbaugh wants President Obama to come on his show and debate him, which is a little like me challenging Kobe Bryant to a little one-on-one.*
I imagine the debate going something like this:

OBAMA: I believe, that in regard to the stimulus package. . .

RUSH: I hate women!

OBAMA: Yes, I know, but as I was saying. . .

RUSH: You're black!

OBAMA: Excuse me?

RUSH: I'm not going to bend over and grab my ankles for you, just because you're black!**

OBAMA: Good God, I should hope not! Now about the stimulus. . .

RUSH: LaLaLaLa, I can't hear you, LaLaLalLA Socialism, LaLaLaLaLaLa You're a socialist LaLa

OBAMA: Am I being punked?

RUSH: I win the debate! You owe me 1000 oxycontins!

I would rather see old Rush debate Susie Essman from "Curb Your Enthusiasm," because I think the debate might go more like this:

SUSIE: Rush, you fat fuck, shut your goddamned mouth!

RUSH: but, but but,

SUSIE: Fuck You, you drug-addicted cocksucker!

RUSH: But I. . .

SUSIE: Shut up, you lying sack of shit!

Then the ref stops the fight.

*Kobe, if you're reading this, I totally do challenge you to a game!

**Think I'm exgagerating? check this out. Or this.

The Food Network

Someone always has the Food Network on at least one of the TVs in the gym (which is kinda weird to begin with) and I have noticed a pattern. Other than the great Paula Dean, everyone on the Food network is either a strangely large-headed woman( Giada De Laurentiis, Sandra Lee, Rachael Ray) or some spiky-haired dude that's gonna show ya how cooking ROCKS!

Here's a tip: grown women should Never use the word "yummy." It's not cute or endearing, it's cloying and puerile. There is nothing charming about infantilization. Oh, and Racheal, "yummo" is about a thousand times worse.

here's another tip: No one should ever use the word "tablescape" That is not a real word, and it does not make you sound sophisticated. It makes you sound like a person who makes up words. On today's "ridiculous crap with Sandra Lee" Ms Lee said, and I'm paraphrasing here, "This tablescape is what I call Retro-Chic and Ultra-Cool." Really? Because the rest of us call it garish and trailer-park tacky!

Oh, and a tip for Giada de Laurentus: You don't need to tell us every time an ingredient is Italian. "Marscapone Cheese, that's Italian!" "Amaretto, that's an Italian Liquer."
We've all had Italian food. We know what Italian food is. You don't see me going around saying "Oh, look a Volkswagen, that's German! Bratwurst, that's German! Oh, look, skinheads!" well, you get the idea.
And stop pretending that salt and pepper are your special secret ingredients. Everyone uses salt and pepper. They put them on the table at restaurants, for God's sake! We're not idiots!

But, then I guess that if we're watching your show, maybe we are.

Hans Asperger

I'm sorry, but if you discover a disease and your name sounds like ass-burger, you don't get to name it after yourself. No doctor should ever have to struggle to keep a straight face while telling parents "I'm sorry, but it seems your son has Ass Burgers." That's just not right.

Other people after whom diseases may not be named:


Musician Bruce Cockburn

Movie Actor Bob Cummings









Composer/ Pianist Dick Hyman


19th Century French Poet Honore' De Balzac



Race car driver Dick Trickle

"I'm sorry, Mr and Mrs Smith, your son has Dick Trickle's disease."

Blessed Arrows

This outfit, Blessed Arrows, actually raises money to pay for vasectomy and Tube-tie Reversals.
Because people who can't afford to pay for surgery really should be having lots and lots of kids!

These geniuses are affiliated with the egregious "quiverfull" movement that encourages evangelical nuts to have as many kids as possible. Each kid apparently is an arrow to be fired in the culture wars, so it's important to have your quiver full of these arrows or something like that.

Here is a picture from one of these lunatics' websites:



Ah, yes! Children as weapons! God love the family values crowd!

Here's a nice quote:
We believe that God is the best birth controller,

(I can think of a few more effective methods)

Oh, and they home-school! Good way to make sure your future jihadists don't get infected with any of that science!

March 1

No irritants this weekend.
Mrs. Chaos and I are celebrating her new job.
Her employment is very important as some of my nefarious schemes will require large capital investments.

Read the whole story of her job search at "Searching for Work in the ATL" (see link on the right)

It's worth your while, Mrs. Chaos is a very clever writer.