Going Galt

All across the nation, literally dozens of angry, misinformed dimwits are staging "tea parties" to protest policies which they don't understand. These differ from the original Boston Tea Party in that the colonists who staged the original protest boarded British ships under cover of darkness to destroy British cargo, denying tax dollars to the English monarchy, knowing that they risked their freedom, if not their lives, by displaying defiance in the face of the British Empire, while modern "teabaggers"* buy bags of Liptonat the supermarket and then throw them into trashcans.

Um, I don't think that word means what you think it means.

One of the most popular activities at these "tea parties" is threatening to "go Galt" This refers to the fictional character John Galt from the book Atlas Shrugged. Look, guys, I read the book, and if someone were to edit out about 100 pages of repetition, it would be a decent work of fiction. But Ayn Rand is like the Jimmy Stewart character in "Rope." Her ideas may be fun to bandy about at cocktail parties, but you don't try to actually put them into practice. (In the case of the character from Rope, because you will end up in jail for committing murder. In the case of Ayn Rand, because her ideas are stupid.
Since most of you teabaggers have apparently not read it, let me explain something to you. John Galt was an titan of industry who bestrode the world like a colossus. You, on the other hand, are, um, not. Honestly, if you "went Galt," if you stopped producing out of spite, no one would notice - except your kids who would ask why there is no money for food.

No. You are not. Really.

The people who would, theoretically, be in a position to "go Galt" um, they're in Wahington begging for government handouts.

And if anyof you don't feel like slogging through all 1084 pages of Ayn Rand's diatribe, lhere's how it ends. John Galt and the other wealthy industrialists all move to a deserted valley in Colorado and start their own society, building new railroads, factories, etc. Does that sound like something you could do?

You are not Atlas. If you shrug, the world will shrug back. Unless you are really going to drop out of society and start your own country, just shut up and go back to work.

Oh, and do a google search for the term "teabagging." You'll be glad you did.



*I swear to God, this is really how they refer to themselves.

Gwyneth Paltrow

Yes, Apple, I'd cry too.

First, she names her daughter Apple. Look, I know you must be bitter about being saddled with the ridiculous name Gwyneth, but don't take it out on the kid.
Then, she prances around with a Madonna-level fake British accent saying crap like “I like living here because I don’t fit into the bad side of American psychology. The British are much more intelligent and civilized than the Americans,” Which, granted, is probably true, but you don't say it out loud.

But now I find out that she has an ultra-pretentious website called "GOOP"
Yes, GOOP. Maybe she let Apple name it.

The site has six categories: "make" "go" "get" "do" "be" and "see'.
In other words, the great Gwyneth will tell you what to make, tell you where to go, what or who to be, etc.

Let's have a look, shall we?

This week we have a BE that focuses on the question of how to BE with one’s children. There are some familiar voices below, but I have also enlisted the wisdom of two other incredible women, Heidi Butz and Camila Batmanghelidjh. Their responses made me realize that we are all always in the process of evolving, and you do not need to have children to benefit from these ladies’ amazing insights. Simply regard yourself as the child we are asking about, no matter your age, and see what comes up for you.

Thank God! Thank you, God! Parents everywhere were wondering how to raise their children. It seemed so cruel to deprive them of the guidance of a second-rate actress. Oh, please God, tell me there's more!

And if I can humbly add one small idea to their thoughts..

No, I don't believe you can humbly do anything, but do go on.

it has been my personal experience (both as a child and a mother) that children are like little radios picking up our frequency. They know the real truth about what we are feeling versus what we are presenting and it is incredibly isolating to find a major discrepancy between the two. When in my grown-up sphere I am confronted with disappointment or my own intolerance and a bad mood to boot, I often name what is going on (in other words, I say, "Mommy is having a hard day, and I am feeling upset") so that the very mundane human “bad” feelings do not turn into some grim phantom in the room with me. Sometimes I don’t have the maturity in the moment, and when it fails me, I apologize at bedtime when my children and I are having a talk. I have felt my daughter’s whole body sigh in relief when I have simply and very specifically voiced regretting my own behavior.

AAAUUGH!! My Gag reflex!

Ok, enough "be," let's try something else. Tell us, Oh Gwyneth, where should we go?

New York

Ok, New York. That should be Ok, I think. You're not going to ruin it for us, are you?

As much as I am a product of many places, I am a New York girl through and through. I did most of my growing up in this glorious city and it is a part of who I am. I was an uptown kid and a downtown grownup and this duality helps define me. I still get an indescribable buzz when I am in New York. I suppose it's the feeling that so many worlds co-exist, that you can lose yourself in any one of them at almost any hour of the day. There will be more newsletters on this great city, with love letters to match. In this issue of GOOP, we will start with restaurants and hotels. I ♥ NY.

Oh, God Damn it! Now I don't think I can ever go to New York! I thought you didn't like America. New York is America, you know.
What about movies? Everyone likes movies. What should we see?

I’m not one of those film people who can tell you who the cinematographer was on On The Waterfront or who most influenced Truffaut. When it comes to knowledge of film history, I’m semi-rubbish (a friend of mine once left the dinner table when I admitted I had never seen one of the most famous and most well-regarded films of all time).

Oh my God, you actually have a friend more pretentious than you?
And no one, ever has used the phrase semi-rubbish. I know it's important to you to try and sound British, but come on.

The films I love best usually contain a breathtaking female performance (The Reader, Sophie’s Choice, Klute), as the genius of a creative woman inspires me in all areas of my life.

Oh, great. You've just put me off actresses. Great. now the only movies I can watch are Sleuth and Lawrence of Arabia. Thanks.

I can see why you prefer to live in a country where no one has a gun. I'm fighting the urge to purchase a .38 and a one-way ticket to London.

JP Morgan Chase

Embattled bank JPMorgan Chase, the recipient of $25 billion in TARP funds, is going ahead with a $138 million plan to buy two new luxury corporate jets and build "the premier corporate aircraft hangar on the eastern seaboard" to house them, ABC News has learned. The financial giant's upgrade includes nearly $120 million for two Gulfstream 650 planes and $18 million for a lavish renovation of a hangar at the Westchester Airport outside New York City. The Gulfstream 650's are described by the manufacturer as the "fastest," "widest" and "most comfortable" private jet ever with superior cabin amenities, an optional stateroom, and 12 interior designs to choose from.

That is it! I can't take any more of this shit! My head is in the process of exploding! These ratfuck bastards drive the economy into a ditch, demand that we bail them out, then they spit in our faces. Give us our fucking money back, you sons of bitches! If anyone sees one of the JP Morgan executives, please, I beg you, kick him square in the balls. I'll make it worth your while. Seriously, I'll buy you donuts.

Jake DeSantis (AIG Quitter)

WAAAHHH, People are trying to make me feel bad about my million dollar bonus. Waaaaahhhh. My little feelings are hurt. waaaaahhhhh. . . . .I Quit! waaaaahhhhh. .

Hey Jake! No one feels sorry for you! First of all, you begin your pathetic resignation/op-ed by stating "I am proud of everything I have done for the commodity and equity divisions of A.I.G."Are you freakin serious? What the hell are you proud of? Even if, as you say, you were not involved in the shady credit-default swaps that brought the company down, what is it you did? The Commodity and Equities Division? You shuffled immaginary money around from one account to another so that your company could skim off a percentage. How is that anything of which to be proud?
Then you say: After 12 months of hard work dismantling the company — during which A.I.G. reassured us many times we would be rewarded in March 2009 — we in the financial products unit have been betrayed by A.I.G. No, Jake you haven't. You are still getting your obscene bonus in March 2009. What the hell do you consider a betrayal?

I and many others in the unit feel betrayed that you failed to stand up for us in the face of untrue and unfair accusations from certain members of Congress last Wednesday and from the press over our retention payments

That's it? Ooohh, my boss didn't stand up for me when the mean men were calling me names!

Your fucking feelings are hurt? Really? Waahh, My bonus!

In response to this, I will now leave the company and donate my entire post-tax retention payment to those suffering from the global economic downturn. My intent is to keep none of the money myself.

OK, (A) I'll believe it when I see it, and (B) That's not a donation, that's restitution!

Then there's this, adressed to your boss:

I have the utmost respect for the civic duty that you are now performing at A.I.G. You are as blameless for these credit default swap losses as I am. You answered your country’s call and you are taking a tremendous beating for it.

Um, Jake, you're quitting. No need to kiss your boss's ass anymore. And, no, he's not fucking blameless! He ran the Company! All the asses that ran these scams worked for him!

I take this action after 11 years of dedicated, honorable service to A.I.G. I can no longer effectively perform my duties in this dysfunctional environment, nor am I being paid to do so. Like you, I was asked to work for an annual salary of $1, and I agreed out of a sense of duty to the company and to the public officials who have come to its aid.

The only reason you have a job at any salary is because we the people are paying for it. And the ammount of your actual salary really isn't that important when you are guaranteed a fucking million dollar bonus regardless of your job performance. Do you really expect any of us to believe that you are actually working for $1? If you want us to fall for that, you shouldn't have included this line: On March 16 I received a payment from A.I.G. amounting to $742,006.40, after taxes.
Just because your salary on paper was $1 doesn't change the fact that you were paid (by us!) more money than most of us make in a decade.

So what am I to do? There’s no easy answer.

Frankly, my dear, no one gives a damn!

I know that because of hard work I have benefited more than most during the economic boom and have saved enough that my family is unlikely to suffer devastating losses during the current bust. Some might argue that members of my profession have been overpaid, and I wouldn’t disagree.

Enough with the "hard work" crap! Where the hell do you get the balls to talk about hard work? Spend a day on a construction site or at a steel mill or in goddamn Fallujah, then let's talk about hard work. You shuffle papers. You sit in a climate controlled office moving money around with clicks of a mouse. Hard work? Are you kidding me? Don't talk about how hard you work in the same paragraph in which you admit to being overpaid! (The first honest word in this whole pitiful screed)

Mr DeSantis, you are a preposterous buffoon with a completely undeserved sense of sel-importance and entitlement. Don't let the door hit you on the way out.

Mom! People are saying mean things about me in the blogosphere!

The Worst Song I Heard At Work This Week

The Muzak at my place of employment is a veritable cornucrapia of insipid lyrics set to wearisome tunes, but the all-time cake taker has to be the atrocious "Where Have All The Cowboys Gone?" by the abominable Paula Cole. (seen here taking herself way too fucking seriously)

The tune, to begin with, is just an unimaginative mediocrity, and Ms. Cole is a passable vocalist at best. If these were the only complaints, this song would barely merit a mention. It would slide by un-noticed like most second-rate records. But, no! Apparently, the producers had a brilliant idea: "hey, Paula, what if, instead of singing the main verses, you recited the lyrics in a semi-rhythmic stage whisper?"
" Oh My God! Brilliant! Now people will know that I'm a serious artist!"

Then there's the lyrics themselves, which are basically a bizarre longing for a pre-feminist relationship in which "I will raise the children if you pay all the bills." and "I will wash the dishes, you go have a beer." (seriously: Link) And she can't even pronounce "beer" like a normal person. When Paula sings it, it comes out like "beeee-yurrrr." How hard is it to pronounce beer? It's one fucking syllable! BEER! There, see how easy that was?

And, hey, Ms Cole, women have spent the last 30-odd years trying to explain to men that we should be more sensitive, more in touch with our feelings, and God help us, we've been trying. We may not be that great at it, but we have been trying to be more Phil Donahuey and less Clint Eastwoodey. And now here you come along whining "where is my John Wayne?" John Wayne is dead. And if he was alive, he probably wouldn't be a lot of fun to be married to. Remember this famous quote from the Duke? “Women have the right to work wherever they want, as long as they have the dinner ready when you get home”
(Although, based on your lyrics, maybe he would be your ideal husband.)

Anyway, just when the song is winding down, just when it seems like the crapfest is over, Ms Cole launches into a ghastly caterwauling which Lyrics.com translates as "yipee yo, yipee yeah," but sounds for all the world like "Dah- ah - ahh, Duh-ha, Duh-ha!" Either way, I'm pretty sure it violates the Geneva Conventions.

And, ys, I know that this song is over 10 years old, but it hasn't gotten any less horrid in the interim.