Problematic Christmas Song Lyrics

#1-- Do You Hear What I Hear?

I'm willing to accept the lamb speaking to the shepherd boy about something the night wind told him, I just assume the little shepherd boy found some unusual mushrooms to snack on. The real problem comes in verse 3:

Said the shepherd boy to the mighty king
Do you know what I know
In your palace wall mighty king
Do you know what I know


Okay, there is no way this little fucking peasant boy is getting in to see the mighty king.
Do you know how many layers of security you'd have to get through to see a mighty king? It's not like crashing a state dinner at the White House. And then you do somehow get an audience with the king, and you're going to pull that smartass Cindy Brady "I know something you don't know" routine? You're pulling that shit with the fucking king? I don't think so.

Then the shepherd boy finally tells the king what he came there to tell him:


A child, a child
Shivers in the cold
Let us bring him silver and gold
Let us bring him silver and gold

Silver and Gold? Silver and Gold? The baby is shivering in the cold, bring him a freakin blankie! A little hat. A tiny Snuggie! What is he going to do with silver and gold? Sure, tomorrow he could maybe buy a blankie, but it's the middle of the night and Wal-Mart hasn't been invented yet, so there is nowhere to buy anything until at least tomorrow. And tomorrow Wal-Mart will be closed, because it'll be Christmas Day!



And where are you going to get silver and gold, shepherd boy? You're a shepherd boy! You don't have a bunch of spare silver and gold lying around. When you say let "us" bring him silver and gold, you really mean let "you" bring him silver and gold, don't you?


#2 -- It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year

I'm willing to overlook lines like "kids Jingle-belling" And "There'll be much mistletoe-ing" because I know it can be hard to find rhymes for words like "telling" and "glowing" but what I can not understand is the line:

There'll be scary ghost stories
And tales of the glories
Of Christmases long, long ago

Who tells scary ghost stories at Christmas? What kind of family did this person grow up with? No one sits around the Christmas tree sipping eggnog and "hanging from the door was a BLOODY HOOK!!!!!!!"

And there are what, like a hundred different recordings of this song and No one has ever thought "yeah, let's replace that line."
How about "We'll have veal cacciatore"
Or "There'll be several Hugh Lauries"
Or "There'll be rocks from the quarries"
Or "We'll have large inventories."
Or " We'll vote out the Torries"
I don't know, but there has to be something better than "scary ghost stories"





#3 -- Here Comes Santa Claus

Here comes santa claus, here comes santa claus,
Right down santa claus lane.

He doesn't care if you're a rich or poor,
He loves you just the same.

That is such a blatant lie that it barely merits discussion. Of course Santa cares if you're rich or poor. Santa brings more and better gifts to the rich kids, everyone knows that. Interestingly, this line does not exist in Gene Autrey's original song. It was added to the Elvis Presley version for some reason.

Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night.

Three Things I Have in Common with Wanda Jackson

1. I've never kissed a bear.



2. I've never kissed a goon.



3. I can shake a chicken in the middle of the room.




Although, to be honest, I never actually have shaken a chicken in the middle of the room, but I feel confident that I could if called upon so to do.

The Biggest Story Ever!

Oh My God!!!!!!

Ala. Dem defects to GOP

over health care, policy

HUNTSVILLE, Ala. – A U.S. House Democrat who opposes the health care overhaul announced Tuesday he is defecting to the GOP, another blow to Democrats ahead of the midterm elections.

Stop The Presses!
This is a HUUUUUGE blow to the democratic party whose House majority has now been whittled down from a commanding 81 seats to a razor-thin 79!!!!!!

AP – Rep. Parker Griffith of Alabama discusses his decision to switch from the Democratic Party to the Republican …

And what a valuable ally he's been to Congressional Democrats, voting against healthcare, against the stimulus, against equal pay for women, and against
cap-and-trade.

And now he'll be voting with the Republicans against everything the Democrats propose from the other side of the aisle? What a paradigm-shifting development this is!

So good bye and good riddance, Congressman Griffith. Don't let the door hit you on the way out. And would you mind taking Ben Nelson and Max Baucchus with you?

The Kitten

Courtney Love is Concerned About her Daughter.

Courtney Love: 'I don't want Frances Bean to become Jamie Lynn Spears'

Seriously? Because I really think that might be the least of your worries.

I might be more concerned about her turning into the drug-addicted suicide or the drug-addicted fame whore than I would about Jamie Spears.

Really. How is Jamie Lynn the scenario you're worried about?

Oh, you know what? You know how you could show your concern? Write something on FACEBOOK!

"I hate to sound cold but any kid of mine who pulls this shit has lost her position. She was deceptive, she lied and she's lying to herself. My daughter is not always honest. She is clearly deluded if she thinks she can buy her grandmother a small house in L.A. I'd love to see how that works. She thinks she has all this money. The point is, I have all the money she has."

OK, no. You're doing it wrong.

"dont worry frances is a wonderful kid. . ."

Better!

"dont worry frances is a wonderful kid shes gotbadd people around her and wants it both ways, her aunt brieanne who isnt kurts sister is a black hole, look ask charlie cross or don cobain whart a disaster the drunk as fuck nasty assed brieanne is,ask kelly osbourne,

No!

well im going out with ms palmer and ms kirke and frances have fun on your covers of the tabs, thats what your wonder bread side likes, you couldve asked for emanicaption youc ouldve gone to simons rock, but you have to get involved with that terrifying not to me, to you witch who keeps britney spars in jail?

I'm sorry, what? Who's got Britney in jail?

thats insane. you realie this will put you in juvenoile fami;y circus three times
in your little life?

Gee, whose fault is that?

this is what along with his mother killed your father,

Oh, good God! Are you fucking kidding me? You're really going to go there?

i think im selling a house today, not in the mood to supportthese assholes anymore. i have shit to do, i love you and always will unconditionally."

Wow! Way to finish on a high note. After she reads that, she'll probably forget all about the incoherent rage of the previous sentences! I just don't understand how you could possibly have lost custody!

Oh, right!


You know, it's fine to be a rock and roll trainwreck. God knows we need rock and roll trainwrecks, but if you're going to go that route, don't have kids. Okay?

Addendum:

Courtney Love may try to sue the makers of Guitar Hero.

Cobain's widow just unleashed a serious Twitter attack on Activision -- the game developer -- saying they never got her permission to use Kurt's image ... and she wouldn't have given it to them if they had asked. Here's a sample:
"not in twenty JILLION years would i EVER have allowed this and this islethal."
"we get NO money for this, travesty, Frances gets NO money for the rape."

Wow, is Activision really using Cobain's image without his widow's permission?

Activision released the following statement:
"Guitar Hero secured the necessary licensing rights from the Cobain estate in a written agreement signed by Courtney Love to use Kurt Cobain's likeness as a fully playable character in Guitar Hero® 5."

Gosh, I just don't know who to believe!

Hey, Courtney, um, maybe you should focus some of that righteous anger on the many bands who ripped off Nirvana in the 1990's. Like, oh I don't know, maybe you could start with HOLE!