There Are Some Dicks In The Salvation Army

Not these guys. These guys are probably perfectly nice people.

But in Houston. . . .

Well just check it out:















From the Houston Chronicle:

Some toy drives check immigration status

They don't claim to know who's been naughty or nice, but some Houston charities are asking whether children are in the country legally before giving them toys.

I'm sorry, WHAT?

. . . several programs providing Christmas gifts for needy children require at least one member of the household to be a U.S. citizen.

Just as Jesus intended!

The Salvation Army and a charity affiliated with the Houston Fire Department are among those that consider immigration status, asking for birth certificates or Social Security cards for the children.

So, the point here is obviously to punish children for having the temerity to be born of immigrant parentage, right?

The point isn't to punish the children but to ensure that their parents are either citizens, legal immigrants or working to become legal residents, said Lorugene Young, whose Outreach Program Inc. is one of three groups that distribute toys collected by firefighters. “It's not our desire to turn anyone down,” she said. “Those kids are not responsible if they are here illegally. It is the parents' responsibility.”

Oh, I get it. You're punishing the parents. You're punishing the parents by making sure their children don't get any toys on Christmas.

“We want to be good stewards, so the people that are donating to us trust we're going to do the right thing,” said Sonya Scott, manager of care ministries at West Houston Assistance Ministries. The group does not check immigration but requires identification, including birth certificates for children, and proof of income.

Right, because when I give a toy to Toys For Tots, I want to damn sure know that it's not going to a child that hasn't been properly vetted. I want birth certificates, I want full background checks, I want to see this child's last three tax returns before she's getting my hard-earned Goddamned Barbie doll!

What the Hell is wrong with these people? Do you know what the Salvation Army's mission statement is? I didn't either, I assumed it had something to do with how much they love ringing bells in the freezing cold, so I checked their website. Here is their mission statement:

The Salvation Army, an international movement, is an evangelical part of the universal Christian Church. Its message is based on the Bible. Its ministry is motivated by the love of God. Its mission is to preach the gospel of Jesus Christ and to meet human needs in
His name without discrimination.

(emphasis added)

Without discrimination! I guess being in Houston, the anti-immigrant impulse overwhelms the anti-discrimination rule.

For fuck's sake, how do you look at a kid like this

and tell her, sorry, kiddo! Your parents came here to try and give you a better life through their backbreaking and often demeaning work, so no toys for you! Feliz fuckin' Navidad, loser!

Sorry, we only do God's work for little AMERICAN Children. See, God is an American, so he just doesn't like you as much as the children that speak English, which is the only language God understands.



You know, I would think that the people who join an organization dedicated to trying to help people would be less likely to be total assholes, but I guess I should have known better. It's like Lily Tomlin said, "No matter how cynical you get, you can never keep up."

Barbara Walters gets "Edgy!"

(From the AP)
NEW YORK – Barbara Walters thinks this year's roster of fascinating people is a little edgier, more current and less obvious than usual.

Oh, you just know this is going to be good. What does Grandma think is "edgy?"

Here's glam rocker Adam Lambert, speaking with Walters on the heels of his racy performance at ABC's American Music Awards . . . "We said, 'Should we have done Adam Lambert or should we have done Taylor Swift?' And then he did this huge thing (on the awards show) and we said, 'Ah! We got the fascinating one!'"

What more fascinating than Taylor Swift? The deuce you say!
Oh, wait. I get it. Lambert's gay! That's so edgy! No popular singer has ever been gay before!




































Comedian-writer-entertainment mogul Tyler Perry is yet another one of Walter's fascinating people. But while wildly successful among black audiences, "most white people have never heard of him," she says.

Never heard of Tyler Perry? Who the fuck hasn't heard of Tyler Perry? The man has a movie out about once every six weeks, has two prime-time TV shows currently airing (both of which are gawd-awful, by the way) Who could possibly not have heard of Tyler Perry?


Have you seriously not seen these?










Oh, but yeah he's clearly a fascinating person. and so edgy. He dresse like a woman in his movies! Ha! No one's ever done that before!













































Who else?

She talks with mother of eight Kate Gosselin, who recently ended her TLC network reality series and is about to end her marriage to former co-star Jon Gosselin.

"Nobody hit the scales harder this year than Kate Gosselin," says Walters. "And this career is not over."

Edgy! Because it's not like you can turn on the TV without seeing this talking birth canal.

And I don't know what "hit the scales" means, but yes, this career is over.

As a different way of noting Michael Jackson's impact this year, Walters' program will profile the late King of Pop's kids: Paris, Prince Michael and Prince Michael II (known as Blanket).

Fascinating! Usually it's members of Micheal's family looking to milk one last dollar out of his corpse. But Barbara puts her own twist on the ghoulish ritual. Let's involve the children! Children love an exploitative debacle!

She talks with South Carolina's first lady, Jenny Sanford, who this year suffered every married woman's nightmare: the scandalous disclosure that her husband, Gov. Mark Sanford, had cheated on her during a mysterious disappearance last summer to Argentina.

Jenny Sanford is fascinating? Because she got cheated on? No politician's wife has ever been cheated on!

So what is so different about Jenny sanford that makes her so fascinating? Glad you asked!

"Jenny Sanford has reacted with dignity and courage and integrity," says Walters, "and touched a chord in many women, with a little bit of a warning for men: 'Don't take me for granted.'"

Quite a warning. Don't take me for granted, or so help me, I will react with dignity and courage. Maybe even integrity. I'm serious!
And who equates taking your spouse for granted with sticking your wang in an Argentinean hoochy mama? There really seems to be a pretty big difference, like one's a misdemeanor and one's a felony.

Glenn Beck, the highly popular, often incendiary radio and TV host, discusses with Walters his past struggles with alcohol addiction.

Okay, I'll give you this round, Barbara. Glenn Beck sorta fascinates me too. Mainly because I can't tell how much of his schtick is a put-on and how much is he really just bug-eyed poo-throwing crazy? And yeah, the idea of putting a libel-prone conspiracy theorist on prime-time network television could definitely be seen as "edgy." So you win this round, Walters. But I'll be back! This is all far from over! Bwuhahahahahahah!!!

Click Here

Click here to let Harry Reid know how you feel about the public option:

http://pol.moveon.org/healthcare/reid/o.pl?id=18145-3755587-XROL.5x&t=4

Stand For Christmas! Or don't. Whatever.

So apparently, the war on the "war on Christmas" has begun! And the latest volley comes from a website called StandForChristmas.com

This site allows you, the shopper, to post reviews and comments about various stores and their level of pro-Christmasiness or anti-Christmasitude.

Seriously.
Here is a sample of some comments on the site, which I will try to translate
into sane English.

Comment Date: Dec 2 2009 8:22 AM
Rating: Christmas-Offensive
Comment: When did a Christmas tree become a 'Great tree'? When it appeared at Macy's. They won't get my patronage.

Translation: If you aren't using our Lord and Savior as a marketing tool to boost profits, you'll get none of my money!

Comment Date: Dec 1 2009 8:06 AM
Rating: Christmas-Offensive
Comment: Me and my family shop at Dadeland Macys in Miami Florida.The Salespersons are very friendly and Christmas Focus.I am a very Aggressive and Bold person for CHRIST any store that i spend my money in they better tell me Merry Christmas or a VOID will be following in seconds.

Translation: And the Lord said to his disciples: "Go ye into all the world and scream my name in the faces of retail clerks, lest thou have to void thy transaction."

(On a side note, I really don't get why this person rated Macy's as Christmas-Offensive when he says that the salespersons are "very friendly and Christmas focus."[sic])


Comment Date: Nov 24 2009 2:37 PM
Rating: Christmas-Friendly
Comment: Shopping CHRISTmas friendly stores is very important to me. I do not believe that CHRISTmas advertising should begin until after Thanksgiving. The day to celebrate the birth of Jesus has become far more too materialistic, and seems to become that way more each. year. Loacally the CHRISTmas decorations, songs, etc. began before holloween. Absurd and disgusting. Thank God for Focus on the Family and all you do. God Bless each and everyone at Focus. Myrna

Translation: Retailers MUST invoke the name of Christ in their marketing! But Goddamn it, don't you invoke his name before Thanksgiving. God hates it when you make too big a fuss over his birthday. It makes him feel all self-conscious and reminds him that he's another year older, and who likes that? In summary, I want to see CHRISTMAS plastered all over every store in the mall, but boy is it a shame how Christmas has gotten so commercialized!

Comment Date: Dec 1 2009 4:13 PM
Rating: Christmas-Offensive
Comment: I just watched the commercial for GAP, I was truly repulsed when they mentioned that we should liberate and how they put Christmas next to solstice. Pretty much what they said was we need to break free and do what we feel is right which goes against everything for this Christmas season. Please go to youtube and watch the commercial if you haven't already seen it. I will NEVER step foot into one of their stores or any store affiliated with them. They have completely lost my business and my families too.

(note: how many families do you have? And how did they all get lost?)

Translation: Christmas is about strict conformity! Liberation is the enemy! War is Peace! Freedom is Slavery!

Comment Date: Dec 1 2009 3:46 PM
Rating: Christmas-Offensive
Comment: Very offended by the recent advertisement. How dare they suggest we celebrate what we want? This is a Christian nation.

Translation: You will celebrate what you are told to celebrate, and goddamn it you will do it with a smile!

Comment Date: Dec 1 2009 12:29 PM
Rating: Christmas-Offensive
Comment: I will never buy anything with their name on it or wear it. They are truly offensive in their year round marketing that is corrupting our youth with the lack of modesty they sell.
(note: this comment refers to The GAP)

Translation: Why don't these perverts sell burkas? I mean seriously, just look at these whorish outfits: http://www.gap.com/browse/category.do?cid=34785
When I was a young lady, we wore nun's habits until our wedding night and that's the way we liked it!

Comment Date: Nov 30 2009 11:57 AM
Rating: Christmas-Offensive
Comment: Happy Solstice? Since when is Wicca an equal of christianity or judaism?

Translation: How can you compare some Stone-Age Celtic mythology to our glorious Bronze-Age Israeli mythology?

Comment Date: Nov 30 2009 4:03 PM
Rating: Christmas-Friendly
Comment: I was very pleased to find 2 tables of Christmas books displayed. I would like to see this closer to the front door but at least there were the tables set aside. Thank you.

Translation: No matter what you do, I'm going to find some way to feel slighted.

Comment Date: Nov 29 2009 8:11 PM
Rating: Christmas-Negligent
Comment: When I paid for my Christmas shopping, I said, "Thank you and have a Merry Christmas!" To which the cashier simply said you too.

Translation: No matter what you do, I'm going to find some way to feel slighted.

Comment Date: Nov 25 2009 12:41 PM
Rating: Christmas-Offensive
Comment: They sure do have a lot of titles with "Christmas" in them, but they are accompanied by cursing or other inappropriate words. Absent in the store in totality is any mention of Christmas. Lots of "Christmas alternative" holiday items also. Ugh.

Translation: They have lots of christmas stuff, but no Christmas stuff! Also, the Christmas stuff which they do have (yet also don't have) all have 4-letter words in the titles. "How the Fucking Grinch Stole Christmas," "Rudolph the red-dicked reindeer," "A Child's Christmas in that shit-hole Wales." etc. Also, they have Jewey Channukkah crap, which disgusts me.

Comment Date: Dec 1 2009 8:48 AM
Rating: Christmas-Friendly
Comment: Thank you, Home Depot for the big Merry Christmas greeting painted across your front entrance windows. We as Christians are only sharing our dollars at stores where the corporate executives recognize Christ as the reason for the holiday. Thank you again and may God continue to bless your business and your employees.

Translation: I have no idea that the founders of Home Depot, Bernie Marcus and Arthur Blank, are both Jewish.

Comment Date: Dec 1 2009 6:49 AM
Rating: Christmas-Friendly
Comment: had heard chrismas carols while shopping in the store

Translation: I don't know how to spell Christmas, nor do I realize that "Christmas" is a proper noun and, as such, should be capitalized.

Comment Date: Nov 30 2009 5:58 AM
Rating: Christmas-Friendly
Comment: I love the bags "make Christmas count." The Christmas advertising made me want to buy more at K-mart just because they aren't afraid to call it what it is! Great job K-mart!

Translation: I don't realize that I'm being played. I will give K-Mart even more of my money as long as they continue to manipulate my religious convictions!

Comment Date: Nov 29 2009 12:19 AM
Rating: Christmas-Friendly
Comment: The K-mart in Fairfield, Calif. has been playing Christmas Music, with the words of Christmas and even Glory in the Highest by Michael W. Smith. I hope that K-mart would tell those who would complain to go shop somewhere else or offer them earplugs,so those of us who truly treasure our Christmas are not deprived.

Translation: Fuck everyone else. These are the songs I like, and you can like it or lump it.

(note: No one complains about music being too Christmassey. And when people like this complain about things being less than sufficiently Christian/Christmassey, I would love it if someone offered them earplugs or invited them to pound sand.)

Comment Date: Nov 28 2009 11:39 PM
Rating: Christmas-Friendly
Comment: Love the Christmas carols celebrating the reason for our celebration as well as "Christmas" used throughout the store as well as employees who are friendly, attentive and not afraid to wish me "Merry Christmas". I tell EVERYONE to shop here! (K-Mart)

Translation: Friendly and attentive employees? I don't know where I was, but it sure as hell wasn't K-Mart!

Comment Date: Nov 29 2009 12:43 PM
Rating: Christmas-Negligent
Comment: 11/29 Ad: "Every Season starts at Dick's" That's all: no Holiday, no Christmas. no Dick's.

Translation: I find it hilarious that there is a store named Dick's!

Comment Date: Nov 25 2009 8:41 AM
Rating: Christmas-Negligent
Comment: Other stores are too commrcial as well. All are most interested in making money rather than the real meaning of Cristmas

Translation: I don't understand how capitalism works.
Do you mean to tell me that retail stores are in business to make money? Not to spread the Gospel? Well, I never!

Comment Date: Nov 30 2009 1:02 PM
Rating: Christmas-Friendly
Comment: I shopped at JCPenney on Black Friday after researching their use of Christmas. I was very pleased with their use of Christmas in their ads. I appreciate and am proud to shop at JCPenney!

Translation: JC Penney is still in business? Holy Crap!

Comment Date: Nov 30 2009 1:40 PM
Rating: Christmas-Friendly
Comment: As a platinum card holder, I received a gift in the mail from Dillard's wishing me a Merry Christmas. I almost fell over and I am thrilled to shop there this Christmas. I was more excited about them wishing me a Merry Christmas than the gift.

Translation: That's right, I said PLATINUM card holder! Platinum! That's better than gold! I'm so fucking awesome!

Comment Date: Dec 1 2009 7:46 AM
Rating: Christmas-Offensive
Comment: Last week, I read through a Crate and Barrel catalog to see what their stance was on Christmas. I was amazed that the catalog was chocked full of Christmas themed items with no mention of the word "Christmas". This was made more eery because they seemed to try not to use "Holiday" either. Very bizarre.

Translation: Everything frightens me!

Marc Mezvinsky is a lucky SOB

Marc Mezvinsky is one lucky guy.

The man who's marrying Chelsea Clinton

And not just because Chelsea Clinton is easy on the eyes. And not just because she's Stanford-smart, which is like Yale-smart without the evil.
No, Marc Mezvinsky is one lucky guy because he will be the only married man in the US who can rest assured that Bill Clinton won't hit on his wife.