Head-Hurtingly Stupid Quote of the Day

"They don't like animals"
--Anita Andrews from Alliance For Truth

At first glance, that doesn't seem stupid at all. But here's what makes it migraine-inducing stupid: The "they" she refers to, it's the Humane Society of the United States."

Yep, the Humane Society just plain don't like them animals!

So how did this quote come to be? Well, surprisingly, Tea-baggers are involved!

TPMMuckraker

Missouri Tea Partiers, Joe The Plumber Join Movement Against 'Radical' Anti-Puppy Mill Legislation

Jillian Rayfield | October 5, 2010, 8:51AM

A conservative group in Missouri is picking up the backing of the Tea Party and Joe The Plumber in its quest to stop the Humane Society of the United States (HSUS) and other animal rights groups from passing "radical" anti-puppy mill legislation.

You would think the teabaggers would have bigger fish to fry, what with the impending Commu-Nazi takeover and the death panels and what not, but no. They really really love their puppy mills. Or maybe they just love being mean to dogs, who knows?

The measure, which can be read in full here, is called Proposition B or the "Puppy Mill Cruelty Prevention Act."

"This measure would provide common sense standards for the care of dogs," Markarian [the Chief Operating Officer of the HSUS] told TPM, including sufficient food and clean water, vet care, regular exercise, and adequate rest between breeding cycles, among other things. Markarian said the measure only applies to "commercial dog breeding facilities" that have more than 10 breeding females who they use for "producing puppies for the pet trade."

Or so they would have you believe!

Well, according to the Alliance For Truth, the main force behind the anti-Prop B movement, there is something much more nefarious afoot (er, apaw) in the HSUS measure. The Alliance For Truth claims that the HSUS has a "radical agenda" and is "misleading the public with its intentions on Prop B. The society seeks only to raise the cost of breeding dogs, making it ever-more difficult for middle-class American families to be dog-owners."

That's right, the Humane Society goes to all the trouble and expense of organizing volunteers into a society, raising money, holding meetings, all the falderal that comes with being a non-profit organization just so they can make it harder for families to own dogs. That's the principle around which the entire group is organized. Like cartoon villains, they seek no personal gain for themselves, only the promotion of evil for the sake of evil.

Oh, you want me to take time out of my busy schedule to come down to the animal shelter and work for no pay? Gee, I don't know, what would be the point? Oh! Well, if we're making it harder for little Timmy to get a puppy, then count me in! Me and all my nefarious friends! I don't really even have any personal beef with little Timmy, I just don't like animals! Therefore, I am glad to donate my time to see that cruel, inhumane puppy mills are shut down.

So, would anyone like to jump in here and make this even stupider?

Yes, sir. You had your hand up?

The Alliance For Truth also has the support of some better-known conservative activists, like Joe 'The Plumber' Wurzelbacher, who wrote on the Alliance For Truth site that the HSUS is "cowardly hiding behind animal cruelty, lying to our citizens and taking our constitutional rights away - one state at a time."

Oh, God!

Yeah, Joe. That's right. The Humane Society has no interest in animal cruelty, they just see this issue as an opportunity to take away our rights. That's what they're doing. You got 'em. The jig is up. The Humane Society's real goal is to go from state to state taking people's rights away. Yeah, some folks thought it was the Freemasons behind all the dastardly plots, some thought it was the Bilerbergers. Nope, it's the freakin Humane Society. And now that you're on to us, Mr. The Plumber, I have no choice but to eliminate you! Bwahahahahaha!!!!

What? A guy can dream, can't he?

Dear God, Why Is Ben Stein Still Around?

Like, I assume, most normal people, I was blissfully unaware of the existence of Ben Stein until I saw "Ferris Beuler's Day Off" back in 1980-something. And like most everyone, I found it amusing to hear him say "Anyone? Anyone? Beuuuuuhler?" in a flat, expressionless monotone. Then some ad exec saw that and said to himself "Hey, if it's funny once, it's bound to be funny ten thousand fucking times," and soon Stein was doing ads for Chips Ahoy, and Clear Eyes, and Comcast, and then some credit-score scam, and everyone just wanted to throw a shoe through the TV screen whenever they heard that dull, dreary sound of pure tedium. Then I didn't see him for a while, and I had hope again. Hope that finally, finally, Ben Stein had retired from "acting" or died or whatever, just so long as he was out of public life. Then today, I saw this:

Here in Atlanta, some ridiculous little jagoff organization called "Seize The Day" is throwing a circle-jerk rally at Philips Arena, home of the Hawks, Thrashers, and the smell of failure. And who's that, second from the right? Ben Fucking Stein!

He's everybody's favorite deadpan teacher in "Ferris Bueller's Day Off." But in real life, Ben Stein is a brilliant writer, lawyer, actor, social and political commentator and financial expert. With his distinctive voice and offbeat style, Ben dissects today's economy and helps audiences balance life's priorities, even as he offers an eye-opening tour of its greatest absurdities.

Absurdities? What know you of absurdities, Mr. Stein? Ben Stein having an acting career, now that's an absurdity! Ben Stein being referred to a "brilliant writer?" well, let's see:

Ben Stein: Raising My Taxes Is a Punishment

Asks: If Raising Taxes Won't Help Economy, Why Am I Being Punished?

Oh, so many reasons. So many reasons to punish you, Ben.
Let's begin with the dishonest sub-headline.
If raising taxes won't help the economy, then why. . .? You could apply that logic to anything.
If eating breakfast won't help the economy, then why should I bother to pour milk on my Lucky Charms?
Here's a thought - maybe it's not about helping the economy. Maybe it's about paying down some of the debt you conservatives are supposedly so concerned about.

I am a fairly upper income taxpayer. Not anything even remotely close to sports stars or movie stars or financial big boys. But I am above the level Mr. Obama says makes me rich. [also the level that EVERYONE ELSE says makes you rich] So, in the midst of a severe recession, I am to have my taxes raised dramatically.

Dramatically? Really? Are you really serious?

I am not quite sure what my sin is.

Um, here's a hint:

I worked for almost every dollar I have, except for a small percentage my parents left me by virtue of hard work and Spartan living, and most of that was taken by the federal estate tax.

Okay, that's a lie. According to Wikipedia, your father died in 1999. In 1999, the estate tax didn't kick in until after the first $650,000.00, and after that, the very tippy-top rate it could reach was 55%. A significant percentage, but hardly "most."
And your father was an economist, which is a perfectly legitimate profession, but let's not pretend that he was out digging ditches for a living. According to Wikipedia he was: a senior fellow at the American Enterprise Institute and was on the board of contributors of The Wall Street Journal, so not exactly back-breaking work, collecting wingnut welfare.

I have a hell of a lot less than I did before the stock market and real estate market crashes.

Oh, no! Your un-earned income is going down! Someone get this man a tax break, stat!
Thank God you still get paid by the syndicator to complain about how little income you have!

I didn't get a bailout or any part of a stimulus program, except for traffic jams as the roads in Beverly Hills got worked on for the 10th time in the last 10 years (or so it seems).

How did you not get a bailout? Clearly, you and your Beverly Hills neighbors are struggling as badly as GM! And it must be rough having your streets worked on all the time. I'll think a kind thought for you next time the West Atlanta potholes destroy my alignment.

I pay my income taxes, and after them and the commissions I pay my agent, I am left with about 35 cents for every dollar I earn.

If your agent is able to get YOU acting gigs, count yourself lucky that he=is commission isn't your immortal soul!

I own some real estate in California and Idaho and the District of Columbia. Naturally, I pay property tax, supposedly mostly to educate local children. Not far from me, the city of Los Angeles just spent about $600 million to build the most lavish school in America for about 4,000 children. That's my money. Naturally, I had no say in it.

Oh, yeah that's tough. I remember feeling the same way when I had no say in whether my tax dollars were going to fund an illegal, ill-advised, immoral pointless war that you neocons insisted on. But yeah, kids having nice schools to go to, that's a real bitch. that's way worse than seeing kids coming home in body bags and thinking that's my tax dollars at work.

I am not asking for any tears.

Then shut the fuck up! Not asking for any tears? Then what the hell is this whinefest all about? ooh, I'm being punished! Ooh, my inheritance got taken! Ooh, I have to pay for schools! You don't want any tears? Bitch, please!

I am not asking for any tears. I live a great life, have a fabulous wife, a great son and daughter-in-law, four wonderful, furry dogs and six cats, all adopted. I have more than enough to eat.

But what I don't get is this: There is no known economic theory under which raising my taxes in the midst of a severe recession will help the economy recover.

Goddammit, we already went over this!

It isn't part of any well known monetarist or Keynesian theory. So if it does no good to raise our taxes, I assume we are being punished.

You know, I'm pretty sure you're smarter than this. I think you're purposely using this specious argument because you know that your readers are easily fooled. It won't help the economy recover, therefore it does no good? You know what else doesn't help the economy recover? You writing your stupid dishonest column. Therefore your column does no good, so I can only assume that your readers are being punished.

But for what? I don't own slaves. I employ a lot of people full- and part-time and they are all happy with their pay. When charity calls, I almost always write out a check. I don't have a yacht or ponies or a plane. My wife doesn't wear a tiara. I don't gamble.

Hey, I don't own slaves either! Neither does anyone else I know. Maybe no one should have to pay taxes! It's not fair that even though I own zero slaves, my money is still taken to build roads, and have a police department, and have mail delivered to my doorstep. What did I do wrong that I should have to pay for hospitals and national parks and the Marine Corps?

What did I do wrong? I know I have often lost my temper with my wife and the cats, but that's not a crime, yet. I tried to be successful, which is what I thought I was supposed to do. When did it turn out that was a crime to be punished? Maybe when the economy recovers, raising my taxes makes sense, but for now, it's just punishment, and I can't figure out what for.

Really? You can't figure it out? Here's a hint:

Caturday -- Cats Go Fishing

From ZooBorns:

Fishing Cats! As their name suggests, Fishing Cats are specialists at hunting critters in the water. They will even dive-in head first to catch their prey!

Watch them do some fishing!

Terrible Ad Campaigns - Miller Lite

Ok, first of all, this is a terrible product. Do you have any idea how many beverages a place would have to run out of before I would pay for a Miller Lite? Oh, the only beer you have left is Miller Lite, huh? Do you have any seawater? No? Any bile? How about spoiled milk? No? Okay, give me a Miller lite.

But that's not really the point. The point is the stupid "Vortex Bottle" ad:

If you're going to hang your hat on the bottle having grooves, you really ought to have some sort of explanation for how those grooves make your beer more palatable. You can't just say, "What's so special about the bottle with grooves? Why, it has grooves! Grooves, my friend, grooves!" as if we're just going to get how the grooves make your swill tolerable.

Because, seriously, there is no amount of grooves that are going to help this product. You can run this stuff through any conduit, any sluice, any Rube Goldberg contraption you want, and the taste ain't gonna change.

You could pour this carbonated mopwater through Scarlett Johansson's cleavage and it wouldn't become any less objectionable. How stupid is your target market that they're expected to fall for this? Hey, neato! The bottle has spirally grooves! That's sure to make the beer taste better somehow. Oh, modern bottle technology, is there any beverage you can't improve?

How Much Lower Can This Little Prick Possibly Go?

How is it that James O'Keefe is allowed to walk our streets freely without being subject to multiple crotch-punchings everywhere he lays down his slimy trail?
I mean, it's not like you'd do any time.

"Your honor, the defendant is charged with assault and battery.
"Oh? What did he do?"
"He punched James O'Keefe in the weiner."
"Hmm, James O'Keefe, James O'Keefe. . . oh, the cum-stain on Satan's tighty-whities? That James O'Keefe? Case Dismissed! I'm recommending you for a commendation, son!"

Okay, I don't know how the judge turned into the defendant's commanding officer, but you get the idea.

Fake pimp from ACORN videos tries to 'punk' CNN correspondent

Lusby, Maryland (CNN) -- A conservative activist known for making undercover videos plotted to embarrass a CNN correspondent by recording a meeting on hidden cameras aboard a floating "palace of pleasure" and making sexually suggestive comments, e-mails and a planning document show. [sic]

I don't know what a "Planning document show" is, but apparently he was making it.

James O'Keefe, best known for hitting the community organizing group ACORN with an undercover video sting,

Okay, stop. Stop it right there, CNN. That was not an undercover video "sting." That was a fraudulent, dishonest, libelous smear job. You'd think now that this little shit-smear has gone after one of your own reporters, you could drop the bullshit "objectivity" and call a spade a spade.

James O'Keefe, best known for hitting the community organizing group ACORN with an undercover video sting, hoped to get CNN Investigative Correspondent Abbie Boudreau onto a boat filled with sexually explicit props and then record the session, those documents show.

What was the point? Who knows? I guess if he could get a video clip of a reporter near some "sexually explicit props," he could run to FOX, show some deceptively-edited clips and claim that CNN can not be trusted because one of their reporters enjoys sex? Or something? I don't know what the point was, but I'm sure it was some sort of deceitful bullshit.

Apparently, a large part of the plan involved having James O'Keefe


Seduce CNN reporter Abbie Boudreau.

Once again, the foolproof plan involved having this guy:


Seduce this CNN reporter:

How could this possibly not work?

CNN has gotten ahold of a 13-page ridiculous plan for what O'Keefe calls his "CNN Caper"


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'Punking' CNN

The following highlights the relevant portions of a 13-page document obtained by CNN outlining a plan to 'punk' CNN. Click through the pages to see more.

And it just goes on like that. You can see the whole thing here: CNN

And if you see James O'Keefe, go ahead and punch him right in the crotch. No jury would convict you.