The cure for all your ills

Author S.I. McMillen has the solution to all your health problems. Stop being such dirty little sex pigs!


McMillen published a ridiculous book called None of These Diseases back in 1963, which would be not at all interesting except for the fact that it's still being touted by nuts like David Barton.

So, what is the health risk of being the filthy little libertines you are? Oh, only toxic goiters, arthritis, and insanity!

The community does not know, but the physician knows, that breaking through God's fences around sex is the basic cause of Kathy's toxic goiter, or Helen's arthritis, or Suzanne's commitment to the insane asylum.

Yes, that is exactly what the physician knows. The physician knows that all illnesses are the result of reckless sluttiness.

S.I. McMillen apparently truly believes that the Bible holds the cure for all of mankind's illnesses from the common cold to cancer.

Who would expect Moses to make breakthroughs in epidemic prevention? Yet Moses recorded an unlikely promise to the ancient Hebrews:

If you give careful attention to the voice of the Lord your God, do what is right in his sight, give ear to his commandments, and keep all his statutes, I will put none of these diseases upon you, which I have brought upon the Egyptians, for I am the Lord who heals you.

Which is why no one in ancient Israel ever got sick. In fact many of them are still with us today. I live down the street from the prophet Ezekiel!

But what about all those who did die?

Thousands have dies through the centuries, however, because doctors ignored the biblical rules. Finally, when doctors read and tried these guidelines, they quickly discovered how to prevent the spread of epidemics. . . Even today we are benefiting from God's 3,500 year old instructions. 

One of those instructions was to separate lepers from the rest of the community to keep the disease from spreading, which, yes, does have the desired effect. But one would think that God would have give Moses an  actual cure, rather than just telling him to send the lepers out of the city to die alone. Also, the promise was supposed to be that people would not get diseases in the first place, not that diseases could be prevented from spreading, but perhaps I quibble.

What about mental health?

The individual who has Christ in his heart and the Bible in his hand has splendid fortifications against man's greatest mental disturbance - schizophrenia. Why do I make that statement? It is medically recognized that schizophrenia is the result of anxiety stemming from an inability to meet the adjustments of adulthood. 

Really? Is that medically recognized? Is it?
No. No, of course it isn't. According to the National Institute of Mental Health:

 Genes and environment. Scientists have long known that schizophrenia runs in families. The illness occurs in 1 percent of the general population, but it occurs in 10 percent of people who have a first-degree relative with the disorder. . .  recent research has found that people with schizophrenia tend to have higher rates of rare genetic mutations. These genetic differences involve hundreds of different genes and probably disrupt brain development. Other recent studies suggest that schizophrenia may result in part when a certain gene that is key to making important brain chemicals malfunctions. 

 Studies of brain tissue after death also have revealed differences in the brains of people with schizophrenia. Scientists found small changes in the distribution or characteristics of brain cells that likely occurred before birth. Some experts think problems during brain development before birth may lead to faulty connections.

So, no. Not anxiety.

It is medically recognized that schizophrenia is the result of anxiety stemming from an inability to meet the adjustments of adulthood. In highly predisposed individuals even a little anxiety can tip the scales. Furthermore, it is felt that any individual, if subjected to sufficient stress, could experience the schizophrenic reaction.

No. just no.

 Some authorities state that less than half of married women have ever experienced sexual orgasm. However, the emotions they derive from the sexual act are beautiful and completely gratifying without the need for any physical climax. Their emotions are diffused throughout their bodies. To them the glowing embers of hardwood are just as satisfying as the quick bright flash of a little gunpowder.

I believe the authority he cites in this paragraph is his wife, who produced the landmark study "It's okay, honey."

Maybe we can share Caturday?

Does Caturday have room for one adorable puppy?


(Via Cute Overload)

So, Yeah, Paul Ryan is Exactly the Douchey Little Frat-Boy You Thought He Was.

From Time Magazine's Lightbox:

The Backstory

Thursday, October 11, 2012 | By Belinda Luscombe | 1117 Comments

Paul Ryan: All Pumped Up for His Closeup

When TIME named Paul Ryan a runner-up in the 2011 Person of the Year issue,

[What the fuck? Was it that pathetic a year?]

many were familiar with his proposed budget, but few knew that the Wisconsin Congressman stayed fit with the now best-selling P90X workout plan.

Also, no one gave a good goddamn. No one looked at Ryan's ridiculous budget plans and thought "how does that moron stay so darn trim?"

 

(Ryan’s father and grandfather both died of a heart attack.)

That is one hell of a heart attack, to kill two men with one attack!

In fact, it was Ryan’s fitness regime — and Herculean strength on all things fiscal — that inspired this workout-themed sitting for Person of the Year.

Herculean strength on all things fiscal? If by Herculean you mean idiotic and by strength you mean also idiotic, then sure. He has Herculean fiscal strength. Nice objectivity, by the way, Time Magazine. Did a 13-year-old fangirl write this? Damn liberal media!

 

This looks exactly like the college-aged tools that used to try to buy beer from me when I worked in a convenience store, the guys who called me "brah," and would ask me 'sup?

This is really, really not a congressional look. This is not the look of a serious person. It is certainly not the look of a person with "Herculean strength" either in fiscal or physical matters.

Seriously, Paul Ryan, if you're going to pose with weights like this:

 

 

You really ought to have a physique like this:

  

Or this:

 

 

Or, dare I say, this:

 

 

 

 

If you're going to invite us all to the gun show, there really ought to be some guns. Just sayin'.

The problem is, We Just Aren't Killing Enough Children These Days

You know, sometimes, no matter how hard  you beat a child, that child just never learns to respect his beater. And when that happens, that child is a lost cause. The only thing left to do is kill him in as gruesome a way as possible, to serve as an example to the others.



Hi, I'm Republican legislative candidate Charlie Fuqua, and I'd like to speak to you parents about why it is that none of you seem to be stoning your kids to death.

As I've said in my book Kill 'Em All, Let God Sort 'Em Out, or whatever it's called,

The maintenance of civil order in society rests on the foundation of family discipline. Therefore, a child who disrespects his parents must be permanently removed from society in a way that gives an example to all other children of the importance of respect for parents. The death penalty for rebellioius children is not something to be taken lightly. The guidelines for administering the death penalty to rebellious children are given in Deut 21:18-21

Now for those not familiar with the Good Book, by which I mean the Bible, not my book, although mine's pretty good too! LOL! The passage reads as follows:

18 If a man have a stubborn and rebellious son, which will not obey the voice of his father, or the voice of his mother, and that, when they have chastened him, will not hearken unto them:

19 Then shall his father and his mother lay hold on him, and bring him out unto the elders of his city, and unto the gate of his place;

20 And they shall say unto the elders of his city, This our son is stubborn and rebellious, he will not obey our voice; he is a glutton, and a drunkard.

21 And all the men of his city shall stone him with stones, that he die: so shalt thou put evil away from among you; and all Israel shall hear, and fear.

Now, I know that some of you LIB'RULS out there might say that this is a pretty good example of why we shouldn't base our laws on the Old Testament, but I say fuck you, I want to kill some kids! I mean, that's what God commands.

This passage does not give parents blanket authority to kill their children. They must follow the proper procedure in order to have the death penalty executed against their children.

Am I not merciful?

 the Scripture provides a safe guard to protect children from parents who would wrongly exercise the death penalty against them. Parents are required to bring their children to the gate of the city. The gate of the city was the place where the elders of the city met and made judicial pronouncements. In other words, the parents were required to take their children to a court of law and lay out their case before the proper judicial authority, and let the judicial authority determine if the child should be put to death. 

Because you want to be sure that all of society shares in the responsibility for stoning a child to death. You can't just go around hucking rocks willy-nilly at every kid who looks at you sideways. It's not the wild west! Proper channels, people!

 Even though this procedure would rarely be used, if it were the law of land, it would give parents authority. Children would know that their parents had authority and it would be a tremendous incentive for children to give proper respect to their parents.

Because who is more respected than someone who threatens to kill a child with rocks?


Now, you may think that I'm some lone voice calling in the wilderness, that no one else is going to have the balls to stand up for the execution of sassy children, but you'd be surprised. My campaign has received financial support from  from the Arkansas Republican Party and U.S. Reps. Tim Griffin and Steve Womack, And, according to the Arkansas Times blog:

To date, Congressman Griffin and Republican Party Chair Doyle Webb have criticized some of the things Fuqua has said. Womack has said nothing. But no party official has demanded money back or urged Fuqua to withdraw from the race.

Hell, it's Arkansas! Down here, I'm considered a reasonable centrist. You should see the things that Loy Mauch  writes on a regular basis.  Heck, Jon Hubbard makes a habit of extolling the virtues of slavery, and no one says boo to him either! Welcome to Arkansas, mother fucker! Yee Haw!

I'm Charlie Fuqua and I approve this message.
Now go throw a rock at a child.

This is So Wrong.

Who in the Hell thought that this was a good idea?

Santa, a photo by spudboy67 on Flickr.

Yes, it's Santa's Deer Stand. Deer Stand as in "place from which to shoot deer." Seriously. It's a little hard to see in this photo, but Santa is holding a deer rifle.

Santa2, a photo by spudboy67 on Flickr.

Yeah, Santa's getting ready to waste Blitzen.

And in case anyone's not getting the full horror of this situation, they include this little guy:

Santa3, a photo by spudboy67 on Flickr.

With a look in his eyes that seems to ask "Why, Santa? Why?"

Who would come up with such a thing? What sort of twisted mind at the Christmas decoration factory said "hey, I know. Let's put Santa in a tower with a rifle like Charles Whitman, and have a little reindeer looking on in terror. A little reindeer that knows he can only remain out of sight for so long before the Reaper Claus rains death down upon him. You know, Merry Fuckin Christmas!"

And how many layers of management does an idea like that go through before the final approval is given and the inflatable lighting homage to death is manufactured and shipped to the stores? Are they trying to ruin Christmas? And childhoods?

Oh, I found a picture of it online. Here it is in all its splendor!



You can really see the gun in this picture.
Actually, in this picture, Santa looks a bit less bloodthirsty. He kinda looks like he's embarrassed that Donder has stumbled on to him in his deer-killing lair. Like "oh, Donder, heh heh. Ooooh, this is awkward. Was that your mom I just shot?"