Beck starts out by raising fears about Russia (Um, Glenn, the Cold War is Over), then goes completely over the edge talking about FEMA prison camps. First he says that he was tired of hearing about them and wanted to debunk these rumors. But then he did a lot of "research" and found that *gasp* he COULDN'T debunk them!!!! I don't know how you can be unable to debunk something as patently absurd as FEMA prison camps, it should be like debunking the tooth fairy or martians. (Now even i'm sick of the word "debunk." I will try not to use it again in this post)
Now, it's one thing to say that he can't technically disprove the existence of these prison camps, but by the end of the interview, he's referring to them as though they are established fact! Glenn, you idiot! This is an old militia movement conspiracy theory. This is black helicopters, new world order, UN communism nonsense. No sane person believes this. But you know who does believe this crap? People like Timothy McVeigh. People like the Montana Freemen. People wh run around in the woods with automatic weapons preparing for a war against the US government. And when these crazy motherfuckers see someone like you on TV, on a major news channel, talking about htis kind of stuff, it just confirms their delusional beliefs. This kind of irresponsible chatter just encourages these lunatics.
Sorry this post wasn't funny, but there's nothing funny about this kind of thing.
At a time when newspapers around the country are cutting back, or even shutting down altogether (R.I.P. Seattle Post-Intelligencier) many of them continue to purchase newsprint and use it for this: annnnddd, pause for laughter. . . . . . . .
Are you done laughing yet? Good, because I am going to reveal to you the secret of writing your own "One Big Happy" strip.
Ready?
Just follow this simple template:
have the little girl mis-understand some common expression:
Or, just copy a page from “The Big Book of Cornball Jokes that were Old When Your Grandfather Told Them” and add cheesy, cloying illustrations:
Oh, the hours of fun and profit you'll make from this hackery!
But don't forget to offend an ethnic group if you can.
I believe the theme of that strip was: Italians, sure they're loud and inconsiderate, but once you get to know them, they're fun to dance with!
And now, the crowning acheivement (experienced hacks only) combine an offensive stereotype with an innocent misunderstanding for comedy GOLD!
See, it's funny because Italian men are so lecherous and horny that they think every woman they see (including, apparently, elementary school girls) is Bellissima! Ouch! My gut just busted! It busted from laughing so hard!
For some reason, one of the weekly papers here in Atlanta insists on giving a forum to the ludicrous Jonah Goldberg, a man whose main claim to fame seems to be that he is the offspring of the atrocious Lucianne Goldberg*, and whose magnum opus is a preposterous book which making the laughable claim that Mussolini was a liberal. When I first moved to Atlanta, this paper (initials S.P.) used to have 4 political columnists. Representing the Left were Jesse Jackson and Arianna Huffington, and on the right were Shrieking Harpy Ann Coulter and congenital Liar and rage-addict Bill O'Reilly, because, you know, who needs credibility? Now the first victim of the budget cuts at the "SP" is the pretense of objectivity. On alternating weeks, the sole political column is written by either the editor ( a reasonable, thoughtful, conservative voice) or the clownish buffoon, Jonah Goldberg.
Can You Spot The Difference?
Let's Take a look at some of Mr. Goldberg's writings shall we? Here are a few selections from some recent columns:
By now you’ve probably heard: The GOP is becoming too regional, too white, too old to compete at a national level. Democrats look like a merging of the cast of Rent and Up With People, while Republicans look like diehard fans of Matlock and Murder, She Wrote.
That's right, the most hip, current pieces of youth culture Jonah can come up with are "Rent" and "UP WITH PEOPLE!" Up with people? Up with fucking people? That's about as relevant a reference as Frankie and Annette! Or Glenn Miller! Or Vaudeville! Up With People? Maybe someone like George Will or Bob Novak could be excused for this kind of "Those damn kids with their rock and roll" outburst, but Jonah was born in 1969! How does he even know who they are?
Here's another:
Well, given what Obama wants to do, I hope he fails too. Of course I want the financial crisis to end — who doesn’t? But Obama’s agenda is much more audacious. Pretty much every major news outlet in the country has said as a matter of objective analysis that Obama wants to repeal the legacy of Ronald Reagan and remake the country as a European welfare state.
Okay, first of all, do you even understand what you're saying? Barack Obama is trying to end the financial crisis. If the crisis ends, he will have succeeded. If he fails to end the crisis, then it will continue. You can't hope that he fails while simultaneously hoping that he succeeds. Second, Who are these major news outlets? If any of them are saying what you are pretending they are saying, that would be editorializing, not "objective analysis." Do you even know the difference? And do you understand that the legacy of Ronald Reagan is Crippling National debt, the arming of Bin Laden and Sadam, and the destabilization of latin America? Who wouldn't want to repeal that?
What movie have they been watching? Because I could swear that conservatives opposing the expansion of big government is what conservatives do. It’s Aesopian. The scorpion must sting the frog. The conservative must object to socialized medicine.
So the objection to health-care is just a Pavlovian, knee-jerk response? There's no thought put into it at all?
Obama’s budget priorities are a great ideological bait-and-switch. He says he wants to fix the financial crisis, but he’s focusing on selling his longstanding liberal agenda on health care, energy, and education as the way to do it, even though his proposals have absolutely nothing to do with addressing the housing and toxic-debt problems that are the direct causes of our predicament. Indeed, some — particularly on Wall Street — would argue that his policies are making the crisis worse. So the Wall Street guys, the guys who were wrong about everything? The Guys who didn't see any of this coming? The guys who were shocked when the dot-coms imploded? Those guys are saying that Obama's policies might make things worse? Those guys? The guys who thought Junk Bonds were a good idea? The guys who were bullish on Enron and World-Com? Those are the guys who are warning us about the President's policies? The geniuses who got us into this mess in the first place?
Oh, and do you understand what bait-and-switch means? Barack Obama ran on this platform af health care, green energy, etc. People voted for him because they liked these ideas. Why would anyone be shocked that he is now trying to implement the ideas on which he ran?
And yet, I’ve met innumerable writers and editors who are scared, even terrified, of one or more of these groups: gays, blacks, Latinos, Asians, Jews, feminists, evangelical Christians, and the handicapped.
Um, innumerable means "too many to count," not "I'm unable to count that high." And where are you meeting these writers and editors? At he paranoid pants-wetter support group?
What a racket. I wish I could get paid for making shit up.
*most famous as a minor figure in the Monica Lewinsky scandal, she was also one of Nixon's dirty tricksters, being payed $1000/month to dig up dirt on the McGovern campaign staff.
Micheal Lohan, seen here with Stephen Baldwin at an assface convention.
Listen, Mike. Whatever problems your daughter has (and Hoo Lordies, she's got plenty!) are at least 50% your fault. Here is a list of possible courses of action you might take to try and make things slightly better.
1) hang your head in shame.
2) hang yourself in shame.
3) stay the hell out of the public eye.
4) see #2.
But no, you've chosen to actively make things worse. What the hell would motivate you to post shit like this on the interwebs?
While I was enthused that Ali was with Lindsay, rather than SaMANtha, I am torn to see that SaMANtha has once again manipulated Lindsay into leaving her little sister in LA, only to join SaMANtha on another DJ gig in Boston.
Good God, you're clever! I see what you did there, emphasizing the word "MAN" in Samantha to imply that women who are attracted to other women are not really women at all! Give me a minute to roll on the floor. . . .
. . .Ok, I'm back. Ya know what,here's something you might not have thought of. One of those women who loves other women is, um, YOUR DAUGHTER, YOU MORON! Openly mocking your daughter's sexuality in a public forum, hmmm. . . I'm not a father myself, but I'm pretty sure that's the sort of thing that would be described as poor parenting. In fact, I'm pretty sure that fathers are not supposed to humiliate their daughters with open displays of hostility. Well, at least you didn't belittle her spirituality. What? Really? No I haven't seen London newspaper "The daily Mail" recently, why? What does it say?
Lindsay Lohan wants to convert to Judaism to prove her love for Samantha Ronson, according to Page Six:
Lohan flew to London to attend the bar mitzvah of Ronson's half-brother, Joshua. "She's explored the Church of Scientology, she tried kabbalah, and now this. I think it's just another phase," her estranged father Michael Lohan, a born-again minister, told London's Daily Mail.
Ohhh, Mike! Why are you talking to the press? Seriously, just crawl back under whatever rock you crawled out from and leave the poor kid alone.
When a mother or father sees their child in turmoil (losing weight, not working, and purportedly cutting herself) are we supposed to stand by , remain silent and pretend it isn't happening? Or are we suppose to step to the plate and not care what people think, and do something about it? Well, as you can see, I'm not going to sit back and let it slide.
No, really, let it slide. Seriously. You're not helping.
let me say that I never took a penny for my blog or anything I ever did for any of my children. I did what I did, out of love and concern, regardless of any of your opinions. I did it to help them, advance their careers and give them hope. I taught them that anything is possible if you really want it enough, and that when your heart is in the right place, God will make it all happen!
Um, God called, he said to leave him out of this. He's not taking the fall for this one.
For the record, when it comes to sexual preference, I am not biased.
I don't think you understand what the word "biased" means
.
I am asking everyone out their to intervene in every way possible to help Lindsay, and quite possibly, save her life. Help this wonderful, good hearted and gifted young lady to see what SaMANtha is doing to her and how she is destroying her life.
Yeah, enlist the general public's help in destroying your daughter's relationship. Goddamn, you are one class act!
P.S. I wonder why Lindsey doesn't like men? Just saying.
